Busty Zombie Hookers From Space

♫...I'm so sick Infected with where I live...♫

2012-02-24T13:31:00.000-06:00

Hey, guess what?!?! Thanks to the seriously insane weather here in the Devil's Waiting Room (yesterday it was 78 degrees, today it's 53 and going to get down into the 30s), I am sick. This morning I woke up and my lips were stuck together...because my mouth was so dry...and my sinuses and eyeballs as well. Now my whole head feels like it's filled with that squishy stuff that they put in stress balls. So, I'm taking a break for a few days...so that I can die in relative peace. Okay, more like I'm going to lounge in bed, let myself sleep late, and watch everything I can with Benedict Cumberbatch in it (thank you Netflix...& my own personal library)...except Atonement...I can't watch him in Atonement...it creeps me out...he's just that damn good of an actor.

So...play amongst yourselves...

♫...Down and down she goes, oh, Amanda...♫

2012-02-22T22:12:00.002-06:00

Today is my dear, sweet Amanda's birthday. I would love to pick her up and fly her to London, where we would celebrate in a wild and hedonistic fashion...alas, I'm poor.

...so instead...I'm inflicting a VERY VERY poorly written snippet of a story on her and calling it a 'gift'.

I am the most horrible thing!

Forgive me!

I think I miss baths the most. Bubble baths, specifically. Something about the frothy, fruit scented bubbles sliding along my skin felt decadent. To sink down in a tub full of the hot, scented water had once been a favored way for me to relax and wash away the cares of the day. How many times had I stumbled in after a particularly bad day at the office and made a beeline straight for the comfort of my bath, never imagining a moment when that perfectly hot water wouldn't come pouring out in abundance for me. When I emerged from the cooling water feeling soft, feminine, clean, not once did I seriously think there would come a moment in my lifetime when even this simple pleasure would become a distant dream.

That was before...
...before the world became a nightmare...a continual stream of days spent struggling to survive in the face of insurmountable odds. Baths were a luxury we couldn't afford now. Water too precious to waste on vanity. Occasionally we were gifted with a few moments to dip in the tepid water of a lake that we happened to stumble across. You could never be sure that it was completely safe under it's dark surface though.

It had only been seven or so months since the worst of it had begun, but it felt like years to each and every one of us. Our group was much smaller now that it had started out. Each of us was scarred with loss, and yet determined to fight for each and every day that we were gifted with.

We still weren't sure how the nightmare had began. In the beginning we were told that it was a mutated version of the H1N1 flu virus that was killing untold numbers of people everyday. Rich, poor, men, women, children or adult. The virus took every type of person from every social class. Even before then you couldn't trust the media to tell you the truth. Rumors began to circulate, whispered with a tone of joking but only because the idea was so unbelievable. My brother had come in from college early one afternoon a few weeks after the first cases had been reported. The college had cancelled classes amid an outbreak of the flu that had left more than half of the students out or trying to come to class in feverish and delirious states.
He flung his backpack on the couch and looked at me with horror, "Ruby, I heard something today that I just...I can't believe it might be true. I mean, normally I would hear something like this and laugh it off, call the person crazy, but...after what I've seen out there today. I just don't know."
Ben was white as a sheet, and grasping for words. Never in my life had I know my sarcastic and witty baby brother to ever be at a loss for words. The fear haunting his hazel eyes was new as well. "What is it?"
"This virus. It's not the flu, or it's not what they told us it was at least. There are stories going around that this was something the government had been working on, something that they had been planning to use, but that it got out of control, it mutated, and someone brought it out of whatever lab or whatever they had created it in."
I stared at him, waiting for him to say he was joking. Waiting for him to laugh and call me a noob like he so often did.
"That's not even the worst of it." He ran his hand through his dark hair nervously, and pinned me with a gaze so serious that I almost didn't recognize him for a moment. "More have died than are being reported...and...and..they're not staying dead. I can't believe that I'm actually saying that out loud. That kind of thing only happens in horror movies. It can't be happening for real, can it?"

I hadn't answered him....didn't know how to answer him. Logic told us that something as far-fetched as the dead returning to life was as unlikely as to happen as me becoming a theoretical physicist. Logic was fucking wrong.
It wasn't long after that afternoon with Ben that things began to spiral out of hand. The military began pouring into the most populated cities, taking over and trying to sustain some since of order. It didn't last long, however, so many people began to succumb to the virus and it quickly became impossible to hide the truth.The dead were determined to rise, and there were not enough of us left to stop them.

Chaos. Death. Horror. Loss. There aren't words to describe the things I had seen since my world fell apart. No words for watching some of my family die a painful, virus induced death, only to rise moments later and try to rip the flesh from my body. No words for witnessing other people I loved being ripped apart by hordes of undead. No words for the constant fear and vigilance needed to keep myself alive since then. No words for the things I've had to do to protect this group.

I shook myself. I can't think about my family. It breaks me, and I have to stay vigilant, stay strong for the group. If we were lucky, we would have a time to grieve later.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, dumbass?" I heard a familiar female voice ask in annoyance. "You're suppose to be helping secure the house for the night. Do you think think the nails are just going to jump up and hammer themselves in? Get the hell to work!"
Smiling reluctantly, I looked up and watched Amanda walk away from the errant worker and saunter towards me. I studied her features as she neared, trying to ascertain what she had seen while patrolling the grounds of this new homestead. A saucy grin danced on her full lips, and like most of the women in camp she had her long dark brown hair tied behind her head. It was either that or shave it all off these days. Greasy hair was a pain in the ass. She pulled her rifle off from it's position slung over her shoulder and plopped down beside me on the porch steps. Amanda and I lead this group together. We tried to do what was best for them, to do what we could to increase all of our chances of survival as long as we could. We'd stumbled on this farmhouse completely by accident and had spent the vast majority of the day checking it for the undead and to determine if it would serve as a good camp for a while. We did the best we could with the help we had. Her two young children were more help than some of the adults we were saddled with, but we muddled along somehow.
"You find anything?" I asked.
"Not much. It's a pretty big farm, so we might find more when we have more daylight to explore with. The house has some supplies. Not a lot, but it's better than nothing, I guess."
"Yeah."
"What were you thinking about so hard when I walked up?" she asked, knowing my moods too well.
I snorted, "Bubble baths."
"Bubble baths?" she asked with a laugh.
"I was trying to decide what I missed most since the world went to hell."
"And you decided it was a bubble bath?" she looked like she was going to check me for a fever at any moment.
"I think I just want to be clean!"
"Well, maybe we can secure this place for a while. There's bound to be a well of some kind on a farm like this."
"Maybe." I mumbled. It was never certain how long a location would be habitual. There was no such thing as safe during this madness...only safer.
We sat in companionable silence, taking a few moments to relax after a day spent hiking through the thick woods of the Appalachian foothills and scouting the farm for undead. These moments were few and we had earned them. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had Amanda with me. Part of me likes to think that I still would have thrown myself together and carried on. The rest of me knows that I would probably have sat in my kitchen floor, covered in my family's blood, and crying until I was overrun by the roving hordes of undead if she hadn't found me and slapped some sense into me. With her by my side, I was able to keep the grief constantly nipping at my heels at bay, and soldier on. She helped me to keep fighting.

"Look at that ass. That ass is a thing of pure beauty." Amanda declared happily beside me. I laughed when I followed her gaze to the ass in question. She and Aidan Darcy had been inseparable since the moment that they clamped eyes on each other. Damn the zombies, right there in the middle of stocking up on supplies in the Bass Pro Shop, she had leaned over and said, "Dibs!". Soon after, if they disappeared together, you did not go looking for them, not unless you wanted a boot or some other heavy object thrown at your head.

I shook my head and smiled. Leave it to Amanda to have a hot, torrid love affair in the midst of the zombie apocalypse. While others would be trembling and paralyzed with fear, she would would casually stroll off for a quickie given half the chance. The very definition of badass, my sweet Amanda is.

Out of the corner of my eye I watched someone round the side of the house and make their way towards Aidan. As soon as the person came into focus my hormones stood at attention and began to pant. Shirtless, with a an ax thrown casually over one shoulder, Benedict strode across the yard on his wonderfully long legs. At 6 foot tall, he towered over me and I wanted nothing more than to climb him.

"I take it back." I said, not taking my eyes off of him.
"Take what back?"
"The bubble bath thing. I take it back. The thing I miss most is sex. Definitely sex."
"Well THAT we can do something about!" she shoved me playfully. "We are in a perilous situation here, hon! We never know if we're going to survive one day to another. I suggest you get your ass up right now and go sit on those goddamn perfect cheekbones of his!"
We erupted in giggles. Giggles! Not once in all this months had I really laughed, let alone giggled. We attempted to right ourselves from the tumbling, giggling mess we had tumbled into, and caught the two men staring at us...and the giggles began all over again. Something in me changed then, something that told me that maybe we have a semblance of a life in the midst of all this chaos. Some piece of happiness in all this hell.

'Another Year of Anti-Lent'...or 'I'm Probably Going To Hell'...

2012-02-21T19:53:00.003-06:00

I can't believe that I almost forgot! Today is Fat Tuesday, or what I call 'flash my boobs at people for beads day'! Seriously though, tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and Lent begins for those out there who observe it. I don't observe it. I usually participate in the opposite of Lent...meaning I indulge my vices even more, and place bets with myself on whether or not I'll survive.

Last year I participated in the 46 Days of Anti-Lent...and I really encourage you to give it a try, if you haven't already. Like the original post says, instead of giving something up...you'll spend 46 days indulging in things. The list starts on March 9th (because I think that's when Lent began that year), but you can start it tomorrow...just make a copy and change the dates...or whatever...DON'T MAKE IT DIFFICULT, DAMNIT!

If you participate, let me know about any little adventures and fun you have!

♫...Fuck Armageddon, this is hell...♫

2012-02-20T15:41:00.001-06:00

I just got told BY MY MOTHER that I'm crazy and can't take a joke because I get bent out of shape when my brothers make jokes about Domestic Violence with the purpose of 'messing' with me.

HOLD THE GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKING PHONE.

When I reminded her that I have been in an abusive relationship, she said that it was in the past and I needed to move on.

AT WHAT FUCKING POINT DO YOU GET TO WHERE IT'S FUCKING OKAY TO JOKE ABOUT SHIT LIKE THAT?

Never. It's never okay to joke about domestic violence, Rape, abuse of any kind!

I just don't understand how these people's small minds work. I just don't. I thought better of my family...thought they had some goddamn sense, but obviously I was WRONG. Between the constant gasligting (they always tell me that I'm crazy when I'm trying to make a point or passionate about anything), and this. I can't live here anymore. I really can't. I'm stuck here thanks to my financial situation but goddamn it! I can't deal with people who think this way. I can't handle being told that I'm crazy and unable to take a joke because I can't stand people 'messing' with me about domestic violence. They call me crazy and delusional when I try to point out what they are doing...when I try to defend myself. It's the past, you should have moved on and gotten over it. FUCK YOU! You NEVER get to the point where it's okay to hear jokes about it...and it's NEVER okay to joke about it, assholes.

I'm sorry, I just can't reply to any comments or blog posts today. I will later if my head stops spinning and I stop puking my guts up over this.

♫...you're sick and tired of me reeking of gin...♫

2012-02-20T12:30:00.002-06:00

Add caption

I'm in a rather foul mood thanks to my gaslighting, ass of a brother...and my favorite shade of fingernail polish is now empty...and I need to be working on my novel, but instead I'm sitting here, freezing, trying to stay awake (thanks to this godawful head cold). Plus, there isn't any booze...I REPEAT! THERE IS NO ALCOHOL IN THE HOUSE...this is a level 5 emergency. The apocalypse is upon us! Everyone to your battle stations. This is not a drill. We are out of booze...

P.S. I swear this was not me:

Text From Last Night

♫...Go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to...♫

2012-02-19T19:52:00.000-06:00

I really don't feel like writing today. I feel hollow...like a dried out husk of myself...because my mother tried to kill me!

The story begins Thursday afternoon. I was suffering from a sinus headache thanks to the bipolar weather we have been having here in Satan's Waiting Room. It was quite bad, and while I usually refrain from taking any kind of medication, I mentioned to mum that I was in a bit of pain, and likely to start stomping around town in a godzilla like rage if it didn't stop soon. She said she had something I could take for that. I consented and she walked off to her room. She came back and handed me a small pill, which I just assumed was some kind of over the counter decongestant. I mean, she's my mother, I can trust her, right?

Well, another four or so hours passed and nothing changed. My head was pounding, every little bit of noise made me want to grab the offending party and rip their heads off with my teeth. There was an unbearable ache behind both of my eyes, and for a few moments I contemplated removing my eyes just so the pressure would stop. Finally, I came back to my mother and told her that her measly little pill had not even put a dent in my pain. I asked her if she was sure she had given me the right thing.

Long story short...the woman gave me a heavy duty water pill, instead of a decongestant, by 'mistake'. Her advice to me was to make sure I drank a lot of water. Now, I do drink a lot of water. In fact, that's all I drink. Water, coffee (made with water), tea (made with water), so I was under the impression that I had that under control.

Hahahahahahahahahaa. No.

Over the past two days I've experienced the most agonizing leg/feet/toe/hand/finger cramps I've ever experienced IN MY LIFE. You should probably be aware that I have a bit of a potassium deficiency, and had horrible cramps in various appendages for years, but I have had them under control for years now. Last night, the muscles in my legs took on a mind of their own...they twitched and quivered and cramped nonstop for hours. Finally, after massaging them, I thought I had it under some control, and decided to go to sleep. After only an hour of sleep, pain shot through both of my legs, and I was jolted out of highly erotic Benedict Cumberbatch fueled dream. The pain was so bad and the cramping was so intense that I could not seem to straighten my feet into the position needed to walk. I tried to stand and immediately crashed to the floor. The waves of pain just laughed at me...and my toes started cramping up as well. Finally, after quite a bit of struggling and whimpering I was able to make it to my feet. The only thing to do was try to 'walk it off'. I walked all over the house like a crazed speed walker. Finally, I walked into the kitchen and began to drink water like my life depended on it. I'm not sure how much I drank...but if I had to guess, I'd say an Atlantic Ocean sized amount.

Today I woke up feeling like someone used that water sucky thing from Tank Girl on me. My mouth was a barren, dry wasteland....and I'm convinced Mum did it on purpose...to kill me.

♫...Three is a charm, two is not the same...♫

2012-02-18T16:47:00.000-06:00

I got into a bit of a 'tiff' with someone on Twitter this week. I know, so unlike me. The thing is, it really pisses me off when someone claims that there is only one way to have a successful relationship. That is the furthest thing from the truth. It pisses me off even more when this person claims to be a professional...and then goes on to brag about being extremely rude to a client. This is the kind of person that gives people in our line of work a very bad name. She stated matter-of-factly that open relationships never work. Wrong. So wrong. When I deleted her and stated that people who claim that there is only one way to have a relationship need to grow up...she told me that I needed to educate myself. That's laughable since I have far more education and experience on the subject than she obviously does.

I'm going to do a bit of stereotyping here for a moment, but you'll have to forgive me since it's accurate. The kinds of people who say things like that are usually privileged, straight, and cisgendered...and don't take anyone else's sexuality, upbringing, gender identity, etc into consideration when they make these outrageous claims. They see the world through one window: straight, monogamous relationships. That's great for those people who prefer that...but guess what? Monogamy isn't for everyone...and there are all kinds of juicy flavors of sexuality out there.

There is an extremely well-written and amazing book written by Vicki Vantoch called The Threesome Handbook: A Practical Guide to Sleeping With Three. It's not just a how-to guide on threesomes, it's a very informative book on the possibilities and benefits of triad relationships (3 people romantically involved...not just sex). I can tell you for a fact, that she and her husband were high school sweethearts and are still married. They have the cutest little baby boy as well.

Monogamy, polyamory, open relationships, asexuality...who gives a fuck as long as it works for you?!

My point? What works is being in a relationship that is right for you. A relationship where you are allowed to be yourself and to grow...one based on respect, honesty, and a desire to allow each person to be be wholly who they are...one that is also sexually gratifying for you both.

One of the most important things I learned from my years of education and experience is that you have to approach the people you're helping from their viewpoint...not by applying your personal views/beliefs to their life.

♫...She looks so sweet...♫

2012-02-17T17:19:00.003-06:00

Right at this very moment, I'm sitting in my bedroom, the windows are open...and there is a gaggle of children screaming across the street. They are getting on my nerves. My first instinct it to yell obscenities at them...but as I'm trying to adopt a new, people friendly demeanor, I refrain... grudgingly. Was I that annoying as a kid? Probably, but there's one huge difference: I was adorable, awesome, and hilarious.

Baby me. You've never seen anything as cute, I know.

Me and Mum. The cute should have killed you by now.

Torturing my hair since the womb.

Before I realized what a pain in the ass he was going to be.

The last time I ever
dressed 'appropriately'

Preparing for my future career.

Note the kool-aid mouth and dazed expression
That's me now, except with Whiskey.

Pure, 100%, undiluted me, right there.
This was taken after I finished singing 'I'm gonna wash that
man right out of my hair' from South Pacific, and danced
around my grandmother's yard in my underwear.
Nothing has changed, in other words.

♫...We've got the right to choose, and there ain't no way we'll lose it...♫

2012-02-16T18:38:00.004-06:00

This is not going to be the usual silly, naughty Things I Love Thursday. No. I am so sick of rich, overly conservative, white dudes telling me what I can do with my body. I'm also sick of people who think that the contraceptive issue is not important. These people are making women's bodies, women's right to do with their bodies as they please a political war zone. If you don't think this issue is important, you're an idiot. If you're a woman and you don't think it's important, you need more help than I can professionally give. This is not the only issue, with the Blunt Amendment, they will give insurers and employers (ALL, not just religious based) the right to deny any type of coverage they see fit to deny based on their 'moral convictions'. That doesn't just mean not covering birth control. No, let me break it down to you this way: Say I'm a sexually active, unmarried, female. I work for an employer who believes that it is immoral for me to have sex outside of marriage. Not only can he choose to not have my insurance cover any of my birth control, he can deny coverage for me to have cervical cancer screenings that could save my life. Its not just the women folk who need to worry about this amendment though. If you smoke, if you're obese, if you need psychologcal treatment...and you're employer has a moral 'objection' (moral disgust would cover the smoking and obesity factors) to those issues. You're out of luck. HIV patients? Denied because you're employer thinks you brought it on yourself. Maternity care? Fuck you.

It'll start with birth control...then it will get worse, I assure you. If you've never read The Handmaid's Tale, I suggest you pick it up and read it with the seriousness that it deserves...because that is where we're headed. If you think that it's not possible. If you think the things in that book are so far out there that they would never happen in America...you're not paying attention. If you're not horrified and terrified of the things being decided for you by our government, you are not paying attention. You should be chilled to your bones with fear.

Now, things I love:

House Democrats Walk Out Of One-Sided Hearing On Contraception, Calling It An 'Autocratic Regime': I'll put it very simply: Rich, white, dudes deicded it wasn't important to have someone there speaking for the millions of women who depend on birth control for family planning as well as for their health.

"What I want to know is, where are the women?" Rep. Carolyn Maloney (D-N.Y.) asked Issa before walking out of the hearing after the first panel. "I look at this panel, and I don't see one single individual representing the tens of millions of women across the country who want and need insurance coverage for basic preventative health care services, including family planning. Where are the women?"

The Testimony Chairman Issa Doesn't Want You to Hear:

The video summarizes the testimony Chairman Issa rejected at today's hearing: Sandra Fluke, who would have been the Minority's witness and the only female voice on behalf of millions of women who seek safe and affordable coverage for preventive health care. Visit Democrats.Oversight.House.Gov to read more.

#CreativeBirthControl: One of Santorum's backers stated that back in his day women used aspirin between their legs for birth control. In response to this absurdity (and a great look into the minds of the men deciding on the fate of millions of women), twitter blew up with this hash tag. If we didn't take a few moments to laugh at the idiocy and small mindedness, we'd never stop crying...or screaming.

This quote from the President:

"No, you can't deny women their basic rights and pretend it's about you
'Religious Freedom'. If you don't like birth control, don't use it.
Religious freedom doesn't mean you can force others to live by your own beliefs.

I think our rallying war song should be this, ladies:

EDIT: Just ran across this article that I think you all should read: How The GOP Went Back To The 1950s In Just One Day.

♫...I just wanna make love to you...♫

2012-02-15T18:31:00.006-06:00

No! NO! I LOVE YOU!

I'm going to sit over here in the dark...drinking whiskey...eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's...and watching Sherlock...while I cry over how I will never, ever be able to lick this man's face...or other parts...

P.S. My spidey senseis tingling...you guys had better not be preparing to stage an intervention...

♫...Goodbye, goodbye Valentine...♫

2012-02-14T11:00:00.001-06:00

Ten Things You Can Do To Keep Your Mind Off This Bullshit Holiday

1. Read When She Woke: [Mild spoiler warning, but it's revealed in the first few pages so, not really that much of a spoiler] This book endeared itself to me by claiming to be something akin to what would happen if The Handmaid's Tale and The Scarlet Letter got drunk one night and made a baby. Now, you may not know this about me, but I love The Handmaid's Tale...it scares the bejezus out of me...because I see how perilously close our country is to becoming the world in that book...but I also love it. I hated reading The Scarlet Letter when I was younger...but now that I've matured a bit, I can see more to it then I could then...and at least now I get it. This book is no Handmaid's Tale...but it's not what most people expect when they think of The Scarlet Letter. It's set in the future in a world where most of the states in the US have overturned Roe vs. Wade, a line between church and state does not exist, and Sanctity of Life laws have been put into effect (I refuse to link to Anti-Choice sties on this blog, so if you want to read up on that nonsense, you'll have to search for it yourself.). Abortion is illegal and considered 2nd degree murder. Our heroine, instead of being forced to wear a scarlet A on her chest, has her entire skin turned a highly pigmented red in a process called Melochroming after having an illegal abortion in order to protect the identity of her well-known and married lover. As an added bonus, it was real easy for me to imagine that Benedict Cumberbatch was Aidan.

2. Watch any of the following:

My Bloody Valentine: It's bloody, it's not a RomCom, and above all else it has Jensen Ackles and his perfect lips.
Repo!: The Genetic Opera: One of my favorite movies. It's got lots of blood and violence and it has Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer singing...also Sarah Brightman.
The Boondock Saints: Another favorite. No love. Lots of violence. Lots of Norman Reedus and Sean Patrick Flanery...and if you've never seen this I don't want to speak to you again until you do (kidding...or am I?)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: First off, a procedure that allows you to erase someone from your brain completely? Fuck yes, sign me up. Second off, they know that their relationship is fucked up and yet they're all 'What the hell, let's do this!"...and that, my friends, is one of the most beautiful and true moments of cinematic history. Also, every goddamn body who knows me says that I am the real life embodiment of Clementine (and not just because of the hair).
Amélie: Let's forget for one moment how goddamn beautiful it is to just look at okay? Because it fucking well is the most beautiful film ever. She's an oddball, he's an oddball...and it's so freakin' sweet that I'm sure I have diabetes every time I finish watching it...which is a lot! It will give hope to the hopeless.
MirrorMask and Stardust: Written by Neil Gaiman...and that's all you need to know. Escape into the fantasy.
Bright Star: You think YOUR love life is sad and worthy of tears? You ain't got shit on John Keats and Fanny Brawne so sit down and shut up and get ready to see some REAL heartbreak.

3. Get Drunk: Seriously. Lock the doors...hide your keys, phones, and modem...and just get 'toe up from the flo' up'....just remember what I learned in Neurochemistry class...take an aspirin before you start drinking...hydrate A LOT...and when you wake up hungover, eat whatever your body seems to be craving because it probably contains what you need to feel better.

4. Video Games: You guys. When I start a new game...time flies by. I can sit down at 2 in the afternoon and before I know it it's four in the goddamn morning. I'm partial to World of Warcraft. It's my favorite drug and I'm a complete junkie for it. It's been about 2 months since I've played, and I'm just about ready to start blowing dudes behind Kmart for WoW time. Fable III rocks my socks as well.

5. Be Surly: If you want to be in a bad mood, then by god be in a bad mood. I'm not one of these you-must-always-be-happy-and-positive-rainbows-shooting-out-of-your-ass-kumbaya-The-Secret-hippies...like my mother. You have every right to be a ball of dark, squiggly, rage and loathing. Be a snarky little bitch/bastard...just don't mess with me or I'll make you cry.

6. Polyamory: Find yourself a nice couple who has been at this for a while and be their unicorn. You'll never regret it.

7. Alien Abduction: If you can swing this, it's sure to make for an intresting day. If you stumble upon The Doctor...you'd better DAMN WELL make sure he comes by to pick me up as well...or we are no longer friends. Just watch out for those aliens who are all about probing and mutilation...unless you're into that sort of thing, far be it from me to criticize.

[[via]]

8. Candy: Concentrate on the fact that over the next few days, all that good candy is going to be marked down again and again until it's ridiculously cheap. All those expensive Russell Stover candies in those ridiculous heart shaped boxes? Yeah, they'll practically be giving them away...and you can sit and eat all of it while singing Nirvana....or is it just me that does that?

9. Zombie Survival Plan: Now would be an excellent time to refine...and even practice...your survival plan for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse. The first ones to be savagely torn apart by the undead during the early days of the Z.A. will be those who were woefully unprepared for it's arrival. Constant vigilance, my friends!

10. Act like me for a day: Don't crawl out of bet until waaaaay after noon...roam around the house in your trashiest lingerie...sport some serious bed head all day...have 'coffee' or 'tea' quite often (that's coffee or tea spiked with the booze of your choice)...sit at your computer staring at a blank word document for half the evening and yell at anyone who disturbs you while you're 'working' on your manuscript...watch a fuckton of Supernatural/Doctor Who/Sherlock...and go to bed around 4am with your B.O.B...

[[via]]

♫...Scream my name louder, tell me you love it...♫

2012-02-13T09:00:00.009-06:00

Because tomorrow is Valentine's Day, I'd like to take this opportunity to dedicate a song to the man who makes me feel all tingly in my lady bits...and who makes me seriously open to marriage and boatloads of children (you are a rarity, sir...we can get started on the babies right now if you'd like).

We'll have the best Valentine's Day together tomorrow. I'll watch you on television and you'll go on acting like you have no idea who I am. We're so zany. Benedict Cumberbatch, this song is for you.

♫...I'm your blood stained valentine...♫

2012-02-12T19:19:00.001-06:00

Everything...and I mean EVERYTHING is Valentine's Day insanity right now. Which makes me want to hurl. I know I was all sunshine and rainbows and unicorn farts in my post yesterday, but fuck it. I want to give Valentine's Day a great big middle finger. It's whole purpose is to cater to the 'buy me stuff or you don't love me' crowd and to make single people feel like crap. You know what? I'm single and I don't feel like crap about it! You know why, you gawdy bitch of a day? Because I like being single. I know a woman my age isn't supposed to like being on her own, but you can take your Bridget Jones (sorry, Bridge, I still love you) stereotype and shove it up your red, pink and white ass.

It really irritates me when people say/do stuff like, "Oops, let's not talk about Valentine's Day in front of Ruby. She's all alone and it's not fair! Let's feel sorry for her because she doesn't have a husband like us!" Yeah. Okay. Feel sorry for Ruby who will be spending Valentine's Day with her favorite person (herself) and a guaranteed orgasm. I'll sit over here with my dogs keeping me warm and feel sorry for your sex life. Cheers, bitch.

He're the letter to Valentine's Day that I wrote last year...rewritten a bit.

Dear Valentine's Day,

Starting the day after Christmas I can't seem go anywhere without being assaulted by your garish display of red, pink and white hearts soaking every store I am forced to visit in your candy coated evil. By the time February 14th actually rolls around I am so nauseated by the sight of all things 'Valentine's Day' that I morph into some kind of Valentine's Day grinch who goes around popping heart shaped balloons, sticking my fingers in all the chocolates and then leaving only the icky orange creme filled ones behind, and watering the lovely flowers with bleach.

In short, I hate you.

You aren't even a real holiday! At least not in this day and age. No, in today's society your only purpose is to make people buy a bunch of candy they don't need, and/or stuffed animals that gyrate their hips to slightly suggestive songs....or to make single people feel like drowning themselves in the kitchen sink...all in the name of love. And, honestly, I am happy being single. I would rather drink bleach than be in a relationship right now....so if you make ME sick I can only imagine the soul crushing horror that you hold for those individuals who desperately long to be in a relationship.

Furthermore, if someone needs a 'holiday' to remind them to let the special people in their lives know that they love them....or it's the only day of the year they bother trying to be remotely romantic...they have more problems than I can, professionally, help them with. ALSO, do you think it's wise to inflict yourself on the single people of the population and then provide them with cheap candies? We already have an obesity epidemic!

You are nothing but a tacky bitch, Valentine's Day. A dirty, tacky obnoxious little bitch!

So... I will not partake in any of your foolishness. I will not gorge myself on chocolate. I will not watch anything that is even remotely kin to a romance/romantic comedy. I will not lament my singleness...and the only love poem I would even consider writing would be to my vibrator....because, let's face it, my most successful and beneficial relationship has been with it.

If Cupid even so much as looks at me sideways, I will kick him in the balls...DO YOU HEAR ME?

Please Die...you rabid, attention seeking, capitalistic, tacky bitch,
Ruby

♫...My toxic valentine...♫

2012-02-11T16:22:00.004-06:00

Every single store I have drunkenly stumbled into since two days after Christmas has looked like cupid threw up all over the place. I think this mainly annoys me because there is so much pink and red...and white...and those colors wash me out and make me look like crap. St. Patrick's Day is my 2nd favorite holiday...because I look awesome surrounded by all that green...and people encourage me to do what I do anyway...drink until I'm naked and dancing on tables.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, Valentine's Day is Tuesday.

I don't 'get' Valentine's Day...like, at all.

I was proposed to on Valentine's Day, 18 million years ago, and it was the least 'romantic' thing in the history of existence.

To me, it seems like the premise of Valentine's Day is to have a healthy relationship...something that you should be doing anyway...but has been bastardized to "BUY ME STUFF TO SHOW ME YOU LUUUUUURRRVEEE ME!" If you count on one day a year to be treated like you're 'special' by your partner...you seriously need to sort out whether you should be with this person. Also, if you're with someone who requires you to buy them stuff in order to 'prove' to them that you love them...same advice. Run. It's sweet to give your partner little gifts from time to time (I think it's awesome to do it when they least expect it), but it should never be a 'requirement'.

Attitudes about Valentine's Day are pretty hardcore too.

It's perfectly alright to hate Valentine's Day or to love it.

Just don't be surprised when I slap the hell out of you if you get annoying about it.

I've been alone on Valentine's Day a lot...and at this point in my life, my attitude towards Valentine's Day is something along the lines of: Valentine's Day? Fuck YEAH! This means cheap chocolate for at least a week afterwards!" This year I'll probably spend it with Sherlock and a glass (bottle) of wine....so I can feel classy about it...then I'll retire to bed with a lurid fantasy that involves me, Benedict Cumberbatch, and a shower.

Now...Buckle up for:

The Busty Zombie Hookers From Space:

Valentine's Day Survival Guide

For my Singles:

You're awesome. You don't need another person to validate your existence. Be your own Valentine. Buy yourself flowers and candy if that's what you want. Do something that you enjoy, or treat yourself to something you've always wanted to try. Then retire with your Battery Operated Boyfriend/Girlfriend.
Find other single people and go out on the town...or have a party.
Get drunk and take advantage of yourself.
It's perfectly okay to sit at home with 30 of those huge, heart-shaped boxes of chocolates and drink a bottle (or 3) of wine while you cry along to P.S. I Love You (There's a song by Flogging Molly and one by The Pogues in that movie, btw).
Watch My Bloody Valentine. This always works for me. Two words: Jensen Ackles. He brings everyone's milkshake to the yard, regardless of sexual orientation.
If you're financially able to, adopt a pet from your local animal shelter. There are plenty of animals that need to be rescued and need loving homes. Save an animal from being put down and gain a loyal and loving friend in return. I want to reiterate that you need to be financially able to do this. You need to be able to feed your pet and afford to take them to the vet regularly. Also, pets are naughty sometimes...they chew on things, tear stuff up, they sometimes have accidents on your carpet...if you can't handle it...get a stuffed animal.

For those with a Partner:

You should be showing each other that you love each other anyway...and having sexy sex times. If you're not getting the support and love you need from your partner, in either of those areas, you need to have a long conversation with them about it. Be upfront about how you're not getting your needs met...but be prepared to listen to their 'complaints' as well. If they aren't willing to listen or work on your relationship...you might want to begin thinking about leaving this relationship.
Maybe take each other somewhere special...not just for one person...something for both of you.
Build a fort in the living room and act like kids.
Spice up your sexy sex time...maybe with something like this:

Just love each other...and realize how lucky you are to be with someone you love, and who loves you. Know that you don't have to have one day a year to show this person that you love them. Cherish each other and your time together.

AND THIS IS ABOUT AS MATURE AND POSITIVE AS I'M GOING TO BE ABOUT IT!

♫...You're so mean when you talk about yourself...♫

2012-02-10T17:30:00.001-06:00

Once upon a time, no one outside my immediate family was allowed to see me without makeup on. This was mostly due to the fact that I was a bit insecure with how I looked. My first love told me that he thought I was beautiful without makeup...and that is one of the reasons why he is my favorite. I actually had beautiful skin back then, so I don't know what my problem was...other than the fact that I thought I was supposed to look like the women in magazines. Then I realized that the women in magazines don't even look like that (thanks, Photoshop, you lying motherfucker).

When I hit 29 and for the first time in my life I had acne. Like, bad, horrible, skin ravaging acne. It took me almost a year to get it under any kind of control...and I still have it...though not nearly as bad. There was no way I was going to let anyone see me without makeup after that. I felt horrible about my face....even with makeup.

As I said, I still have this hormonal acne, and it has left some scars. I'm not going to lie to you, there are days when I feel horribly self-conscious and weepy about it...but you know what? Fuck it. I leave the house all the time with no makeup on these days. Mostly because I'm too lazy to bother.

This is so unlike me, because Dita von Teese is my beauty role model.

Which brings us to Photo Friday.

Me without makeup...taken this morning while I was talking to my dogs....

....and now...full on glam...from a year and a half ago...

♫...she's a very cunning linguist...♫

2012-02-09T15:42:00.003-06:00

I just got in 'trouble', y'all.
I'm 32 years old and I just got chastised by my mother for something I repinned on Pintrest.
I couldn't find the photo in question anywhere on my boards...so I have no idea where or when she saw it. She amended her lecture with 'It didn't bother me, but some of the other people who follow you...". Some of the people she works with follow me (because my boards rock)...and obviously they can't handle my undiluted awesomness. My response was that I don't use Pintrest for other people, I use it for me, and if they don't like it they can unfollow me. The thing is, she works at an early learning center that is located and manged by a huge Southern Baptist Church...and we all know how they feel about female sexuality, right?
I'm not bothered...don't get me wrong...I think it's HI-larious.
Here's the article in question

Obviously she doesn't read my blog....at least, I've asked her not to.

What about this is offensive? Are people offended by female sexuality? By the idea that a woman may find pleasure from her body...by herself or with another person? Is it the guilt and shame that some people aquire from their churches that cause them to be afraid and offended by female sexuality? Pre-Christian religions didn't mire sex down in guilt, sin, and shame. Instead they regarded it as a form of worship and celebration. I certainly don't see these same people being offended when something is blatantly advertising to male sexuality. In fact, they are more apt to giggle and blush at that. It's okay to sexualize women (even at a very young age, Re: Toddlers and Tiaras), but not okay to even hint at the fact that women can enjoy their own sexuality? It's okay to shame and mock women who do enjoy their sexuality as 'whores' and 'sluts', but not admire them for being in touch with their own wants and needs?

FUCK THAT!

My prescription: Quit being so damn uptight.

♫...I've Got So Much Love...♫

2012-02-09T12:00:00.000-06:00

Neil Gaiman

I've have had a not so quiet (okay, loud and obvious) crush on this man for many years...and I think his SFX Award Acceptance Speech (for The Doctor's Wife, the episode he wrote for Doctor Who [which was BRILLIANT]) does a spectacular job of illustrating why....

[[via]]

I wouldn't mind having this.

Let me break this down for you, because I don't think you understand what I feel when I look at this picture. To me, this man is beautiful...outside as well as inside (as far as I can tell by interviews etc).

I absolutely adore violin music. I think it is haunting and sensual and absolutely beautiful. Combine the two and my poor sweet ovaries cry out in a an aria of yearning and never ending sexual frustration...

Suburban Fantasy, Gender Politics, plus a Goblin Prom: Why Labyrinth is a Classic: An amazing article on the film Labyrinth over on Tor.com. Growing up, Labyrinth was always one of my favorite films....seeing so much of myself in Sarah being only one of the reasons...and it remains a much beloved favorite of mine.

While I'm on Labyrinth, also take a look at one of my favorite posts written on the movie...by Cherie Priest... whose LJ I have been reading for many, many, many years.

A lot of people focus on David Bowie's bulging package...but have you ever noticed the GINORMOUS VULVA in Labyrinth? It's covered in her amazing post, so be sure to check it out.

A federal appeals court ruled Monday that Prop 8 (California's voter approved ban on same-sex marriages) is unconstitutional. Let's give three cheers for finally showing some goddamn common sense. Of course it was unconstitutional. It was blatant bigotry and hatred.

JC Penney. I'm so happy they didn't cave to the demands of a group of hateful bigots who demanded that they remove Ellen as their spokesperson....because she's gay. What the fuck is wrong with people? Ellen is awesome. If I were given the opportunity to be friends with any celebrity it would be Ellen. She's funny as hell, she's kind...and she seems like she would be a lot of fun to hang out with and know. She was a lot nicer about it than I would be...I would have sent in my minions to harvest their organs...then I would have sold their organs to pay my student loan debt...

Washington is officially going to be the 7th state to legalize same-sex marriage! Can I get a 'HELLZ YEAH'? I'm really excited about this as one of my bestest friends in the entire world, Alexander (whom I call 'Fritz'), lives in Seattle with his amazing partner Ethan. And if they get married (they've been talking about it), it's going to be the most FUCKING AWESOME party ever....and I will be there...with bells on!

♫...Time may change me...♫

2012-02-08T11:47:00.000-06:00

You may have noticed a few changes on ye olde homestead:

I've changed my 'user name'. Why? Well, it's simple, my dears...I'm trying to reenter the working world so that I can pay off the massive, debilitating, depressingly monstrous student loans I have...and I'm trying not to send perspective employers fleeing in horror before they've even met me...I'll do fine making them run screaming once they lay eyes on me. Maybe I'll change it back once I've tricked someone into hiring me...but for now, it stays Whiskey Sour...but you can still call me Ruby.
The 365 days-of-annoying-the-ever-loving-crap out of me has stopped. When I initially decided to do that, it was going to replace the daily 'themes'...but the more I got into it, the more annoying it got to me...and so I decided to forgo the 'pleasure'...mainly because I'm lazy and I'm more interested in making babies with my hubby Elliot in Fable III....he says I'm kinky...and he says it like he likes it. I knew I made the right decision in not killing him.

As some of you are aware, I'm in my early 30s. For the most part, being over 30 doesn't bother me...but there is one thing that I was woefully unprepared for. Imagine, if you will, that the night before your turn 30, aliens come down and swap your body for another one...that looks exactly the same. When you wake up you don't notice anything different (the least the little bastards could have done was get rid of the stretch marks), but over time you start noticing little differences. For instance, waking up in the morning now feels akin to the worst hangovers you experienced (after spending all night out-drinking frat boys) in your 20s. Hangovers is your 30s? Well, they feel like an atomic bomb has gone off in your head...decimated your brain...and is slowly poisoning very single cell in your body. Also, once upon a time I could eat whatever I wanted and if I gained weight I could swap a few meals with Slim-Fast shakes or pop a few Stacker 2s (god, I miss Ephedra) and all would be dandy. Now? Ahahahahahahahahahaha. Nope. Hardcore dieting and exercise is the only way. Which, let's face it, I feel 100% better when I eat right and exercise anyway...but therein lies another change. Since August I've hurt my knees, hamstrings, ankles...just about everything from the waist down....and don't get me started on the stiffness and popping I experience when I drag myself out of bed in the morning. Finally, there's the incident from last night. I don't drink anything carbonated. I drink tea (hot and cold), lots of water, coffee, juice...and booze. Last night, I had the brilliant idea to have a glass of Mountain Dew...and I thought I was going to die. You know that ugly little alien dude that popped out of the guy's chest in Alien? Yeah, well, it felt like he was trying to claw his way out of my insides last night. It got to the point where I was praying it was the little alien and he'd just pop the hell out already.

So basically, what I'm saying is that I am, in fact, a Busty Zombie (potential) Hooker from Space.

♫...I found me a whore with a face just like yours...♫

2012-02-07T15:04:00.001-06:00

Well...I survived. I made myself look like an adult, left the house, and went through the meeting without making too much of a fool of myself...I think.

So, here's what I've learned from today's 'adventure':

I still hate driving.
Tightly packed parking lots still give me panic attacks...and make me wish harder for the zombie apocalypse...or a plague that will take out stupid people.
Even if my hair looks awesome when I leave the house, by the time I have my interview it's going to look like a bevy of baby badgers have been living in it.
Listening to the entire Drunken Lullabies CD still calms me down.
I turn into a loony in interviews and can't seem to control my hands or mouth...I've officially lost my interview swag...
There are zero jobs in which I can be paid to be a hermit.
The ABC Store will not take Sally's Beauty Supply gift cards.
No one will pay me to play Fable III or World of Warcraft...and that is a CRIME!
I need to be a full-time writer so I can sit around in my PJs and drink...it's my process, y'all.
The only thing I seem to be qualified for is prostitution.
I'm destined to a life of call centers until I can pay off some bills and save up enough money to move...so, like, forever...
I would seriously love to happen upon a huge fortune...and change mine and my dear Amanda's identities...and whisk us away to England...There I will fulfill my dream of being an actor on British Television. Once I have firmly embedded myself in the British acting community I will weasel my way close to Benedict Cumberbatch...and either succeed in having my wicked way with him and bear sweet, little Cumberbatch babies...or at the very least rub up against him for a few minutes...

♫...Versatile like All-Temp-A-Cheer...♫

2012-02-07T10:30:00.002-06:00

I have a meeting with a temp agency this afternoon...because I've completely given up on trying to find a job that utilizes my degree in this ass backwards state. It seems cruel that I can find an unending stream of available jobs in all the states surrounding me...but not in this state. What makes me want to beat my head against the wall in unending frustration is that there are jobs in New Orleans and Southern California that I am more than qualified for (and would allow me to use my very expensive education)...but you need money in order to move...and as you and the Department of Education are well aware, I have zero dollar bills, y'all.

So...in honor of me reuniting with my old temp agency...here are

Ten Jobs I Wish My Temp Agency Would Send Me On

1. Dominatrix. For realz, you guys. I would work the hell out of this 'job'.

2. Official Alcoholic Beverage Tester: I feel strongly that I am the best qualified for this position...and I'm not picky in the least...except for cognac...the first time I ever did an exorcist impersonation after drinking was due to cognac...I've never been that sick in my life...and there are still black spots in my memory from that unfortunate incident...so anything but cognac...though I'm not wild about Jager either.

3. Anything that doesn't require me to leave the house: Seriously. I just want to stay home in my pajamas...and not get up early...and NEVER EVER EVER talk on the phone.

No idea what that would be...I just wanted to use this picture again.

5. Benedict Cumberbatch's Personal Anything: ANYTHING...and if it involves various things of a highly sexual nature, all the better...in fact, I'd do this for free.

6. Professional Zombie Survival Expert: ...but with the stipulation that I'm allowed to slap stupid people.

7. Safe Sex Educator: Abstinence only education is bullshit. I would be the most badass Sex Educator...I'd have props and a jolly good fun...of course, there isn't a school in Alabama that would allow me in...and they'd probably burn me at the stake...

8. Doctor Who/Supernatural/Sherlock: Pay me to watch them and make general assessments about them on the internet...because I do that anyway...(you could also give me a role on said shows)...of course, I would have to be given permission to use the following gifs to accurately project my feelings about the episodes:

9. Professional Pintrest Guru: My boards are awesome...'nuff said.

10. Snarky Blog Writer: This IS my job...no matter what else I do...this blog is my REAL JOB! Someone should pay me for it...even if it is in free booze and adult toys...

....this post has made me realize that I should focus all my efforts towards becoming a full-time writer...and Benedict Cumberbatch's love slave...

...I must go make myself presentable now...*grumble*

♫...I could write the best book on underage tragedy...♫

2012-02-06T14:35:00.012-06:00

'ello, Lads and Lassies, it's that time of the week again...the time when I beat you over the head with either the new music I'm exploring, or my old, tried and true, favorites. It's currently 2:37pm on a slightly cool Alabama Monday...and I just crawled out of bed half an hour ago. My head is pounding and every single little noise that the plebeians who live with me make seems to be amplified times a million. I'm clutching my coffee like it's the only thing keeping me alive, and, well, it probably is. The reason I'm just slithering out of my warm bed is a three part tale: 1. I've been playing a LOT of Fable III and I didn't go to bed until 4am this morning. It's not like I did it on purpose! The damn game just sucked me in and I didn't realize it! 2. I have a wee bit of a cold developing...and 3. I'm meeting with my old temp agency tomorrow, and I'm trying to enjoy every last bit of not having to get up at the ass crack of dawn moments I have left.

So...In honor of all of that, I've decided take a break from the music challenge this week, and gift you with a playlist of the songs I want to hear right now....some of my old favorites.

I'm going to put them behind a cut...because I don't want a post a mile long...so CLICK ON THE DAMN CUT!

For some reason, this was the first song that popped into my head this morning/afternoon....it does, however, annoy me that this video lists them as THE Alkaline Trio...*shakes head* I discovered these guys back in the angst ridden days after I graduated high school (1998...yes, I'm fucking old...but I look really young...it screws with people's heads)...so I'm surprised my psyche didn't automatically jump to a song from their earlier discography...but, hey, who am I to argue with my psyche?

...and then that song made me think of this song...which really does a great job of illistrating my inner dialoge 99.9% of the time...what does that say about me? I have no idea, I only minored in Psychology...and I mainly focused on the neuropsychology part of it all...just shut up and listen to the damn song...

...this song made me start thinking of the first time I really listened to Alkaline Trio, which in turn, made me think of that horrible time after my first love broke my heart into a million pieces and I lost 40 lbs in a month (best diet EVER) because I was so upset and angst, angst, angst. Around that time I started hanging out with one of my best guy friend's ex, who he had just broke things off with for the final time (he was away at school and didn't care), and she introduced me to a lot of new music...including the fabulousness that is Tori Amos...there was one particular song of hers that summed up my heartbreak, and I still have a very hard time listening to it...so here it is...revel in the fact that I'm somewhere trying not to heave my guts up over all the angst invading my body as I listen to this...

....still following my train of thought...which is a dark, twisted path of pain and degradation...this song automatically made me sad...and then I remembered another song from that time...one that made me feel a little better when I sang it...I cannot emphasize enough that this was my first love, guys...and I felt like someone was ripping my heart out daily for months...piled upon the fact that I was ostracized from all of the people that I normally associated with due to the events of our breakup...and the fact that I had just graduated...I made a lot of bad decisions then (didn't start college right after high school, got my first credit card)...which actually turned out not to be that bad...but I digress...

Then, suddenly, I was like, "FUCK! RUBY! Why the HELL are you even thinking about this? You haven't let yourself think about this is YEARS! FUCK THIS! Think about something else"...but my brain was all, "Fuck, n'aw, dude. You need your really angry song from that time"...and I was all, "Brain...you're an asshole...and this is why I kill you with booze."

...once the whiskey permeated my brain I was able to lock those memories back up, and throw them into the dark, cavernous void of my damaged mind...I then decided that it it was time for my favorites...Dropkick Murphys and Flogging Molly...and since I always beat you over the head with Flogging Molly...I'm going to go with Dropkick Murphys this time...

Then my mind went blank for a solid 20 or so minutes while I stared into Benedict Cumberbatch's eyes...via this amazing picture I found on Tumblr. As soon as I shook myself back into reality the first song that I came up with was this one...

When I resurfaced from my lust filled haze, I realized how long this post was and wavered between, 'Fuck it! I do what I want!' and 'I should probably stop now'....So, because I don't want this post to be too awfully long and bore you all to tears (but mostly because I want to get back to Fable III...and maybe exercise)...I'm going to end with this...quite possibly the anthem of my life...

♫...larger than life women in lingerie...♫

2012-02-04T18:01:00.001-06:00

Ladies and gents, I love lingerie. Something about slipping into some nice lingerie just alters my mood in a very fun way. I know a lot of women who groan when lingerie is mentioned, and argue that they prefer their sensible cotton undies to my love of lace and silk. That's their prerogative. I think it's important to wear what you're comfortable in...but I also love wearing what makes me feel sexy and slightly wicked. If you're wearing something that is chafing or cutting off your circulation you're definitely not going to enjoy wearing it, and it will probably make you feel decidedly unsexy. Also, I think the lingerie you wear should, first and foremost, be for you.

For today, however, we are going to do lingerie the Ruby way.

Believe it or not, I prefer to wear vintage inspired things...and if I had my own place to lounge around in, I would do so in vintage inspired slips and dressing gowns/robes. I think I was born in the wrong era, because these things make me feel extremely feminine and sexy.

Next, I like to sport lingerie that might fit into a category labeled 'classy'. This goes against everything most people who knew me growing up think about me, I'm sure. During my teen years, and most of my 20s, I was what you might call a 'Punk Rock Gurl'. My wardrobe consisted of jeans, bondage pants, band tshirts, and converse. My hair changed a multitude of colors thanks to Manic Panic. Now, I still listen to the same music and have one of my facial piercings still...and a bit of manic panic still boosts my red...but my tastes in clothes and lingerie have changed vastly.

I like to call this "Getting Into Character"...I was always a theater geek, and part of the appeal to theater, for me, was the costumes. It's fun. EdenFantasys has a great selection.

This is my getting down to business outfit....hee hee.

Whatever your style, make it uniquely your own and have fun with it. Nothing is sexier than someone feeling good about themselves and having fun!

♫...They raise the girls on gator down...♫

2012-02-03T22:21:00.002-06:00

I hate this thing. Someone gave this to my dad while he was in Louisiana on business (he practically lives there), and he insists on having it on the living room mantel. He especially enjoys shining a light at it to make the red eyes glow...Maybe it's my XX chromosomes, but I just don't get it. Plus, I hate to think of how the poor thing died.

EDIT: Billy explained the whole male trophy/fear thing...and all I have to say is I still don't like looking at the ugly thang when I drunkenly stumble through the living room...it's like it's staring at me...judging me with it's fake, beady, red eyes...YOU CAN'T TAME ME GATOR! STOP JUDGING ME!

♫...She hit me like liquor...♫

2012-02-02T18:04:00.003-06:00

My friend Jesse posted this on my Facebook wall...and it is so me that I giggled in delight.

[[via]]

The Mary Sue's post of 52 Funny, Geeky Valentines Cards: I'm not big on valentine's day, but I love these cards. They cover a wide range of things from video games to movies and TV...I'm going to post a few of my favorite ones below, but make sure to visit their page for more!

[[via]]

Alien Brain Hemorrhage Cocktail: It looks disgusting and, from what I can tell, it was created in Scotland...so, of course, I'm down. Someone make me one so that I can forget about all the money I owe the Department of Education.

♫...The world's greatest writers are all drunks and fighters...♫

2012-02-01T20:45:00.000-06:00

Hello, my lovely little zombie hookers. I have a raging headache that I'm sure began it's life in the lowest rung of hell (where people who talk during movies reside) and crept it's way into my brain while I was sleeping. All day it has ravaged my sanity mercilessly (and let's be honest, I don't have much by way of sanity to begin with). Since I'm perilously close to stabbing the next thing that annoys me, I think it's best that I don't stare at this screen too long...as it feels like someone tossing holy water in my eyes. So, I'm going to take the easy way out, and share with you something I found on Tumblr the other day. I adore this, and it is beyond true. As a writer, I can't help but to add characteristics of my loved ones to my work....and have my enemies get bruteally and painfully gnawed on by zombies.

This was found HERE.

What happens if you fall in love with a writer?

Lots of things might happen. That’s the thing about writers. They’re unpredictable. They might bring you eggs in bed for breakfast, or they might all but ignore you for days. They might bring you eggs in bed at three in the morning. Or they might wake you up for sex at three in the morning. Or make love at four in the afternoon. They might not sleep at all. Or they might sleep right through the alarm and forget to get you up for work. Or call you home from work to kill a spider. Or refuse to speak to you after finding out you’ve never seen To Kill A Mockingbird. Or spend the last of the rent money on five kinds of soap. Or sell your textbooks for cash halfway through the semester. Or leave you love notes in your pockets. Or wash you pants with Post-It notes in the pockets so your laundry comes out covered in bits of wet paper. They might cry if the Post-It notes are unread all over your pants. It’s an unpredictable life.
But what happens if a writer falls in love with you?
This is a little more predictable. You will find your hemp necklace with the glass mushroom pendant around the neck of someone at a bus stop in a short story. Your favorite shoes will mysteriously disappear, and show up in a poem. The watch you always wear, the watch you own but never wear, the fact that you’ve never worn a watch: they suddenly belong to characters you’ve never known. And yet they’re you. They’re not you; they’re someone else entirely, but they toss their hair like you. They use the same colloquialisms as you. They scratch their nose when they lie like you. Sometimes they will be narrators; sometimes protagonists, sometimes villains. Sometimes they will be nobodies, an unimportant, static prop. This might amuse you at first. Or confuse you. You might be bewildered when books turn into mirrors. You might try to see yourself how your beloved writer sees you when you read a poem about someone who has your middle name or prose about someone who has never seen To Kill A Mockingbird. These poems and novels and short stories, they will scatter into the wind. You will wonder if you’re wandering through the pages of some story you’ve never even read. There’s no way to know. And no way to erase it. Even if you leave, a part of you will always be left behind.

If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.

♫...In nylons and tattoos...♫

2012-02-01T19:40:00.000-06:00

Day 32: -You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done?

Wellllllllllllllllllllllll, I already have 3 tattoos...and I do plan on getting a few more...but I don't like discussing them before I get them...I've had people run off and take my ideas when I've done that in the past, so I'm going to keep the details to myself. I will tell you this...one is a quote from one of my favorite works by Neil Gaiman...and one is Doctor Who inspired.

Here's what I already have:

Inside of my right wrist
I plan on having it embellished a bit.

This was taken a few hours after the La Vie Boheme was done.
That's why you can see some bruising.

♫...Please don't hide your sexuality...♫

2012-01-31T23:23:00.002-06:00

Day 31: Anything you want to post.

Found this on Tumbr, comment if it's yours and I'll give you credit.

I am so GODDAMN sick of slut-shaming...and it just seems to me that it is more and more prevalent on my Twitter, Facebook, and even on my Tumblr Dashboard (where I go to get away from idiocy). I'm so sick of it that I'm going to stop giving a warning and just start deleting the people I see doing it. The thing that makes it so much fucking worse is that the majority of people doing it are other women! WHAT.THE.FUCK? It is not your job to police a woman's sex life...and it's none of your business! If I want to sleep with every single man and woman (of age) that I come in contact with, you will shut your big fucking mouth and mind the state of your own genitals.

Educate yourself, get yourselves together, and stop it.

♫...You respond to me on Twitter...♫

2012-01-31T22:01:00.000-06:00

My Top 10 Tweets of January 2012

(yes, I'm tired)

♫...London is calling...♫

2012-01-30T20:23:00.000-06:00

Day 30: You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check this out... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Where would you move?

I'll answer you in picture form...and you figure it out...k?

♫...You're gonna cry, cry, cry and you'll cry alone...♫

2012-01-30T20:08:00.003-06:00

Music Monday, I totally don't feel like doing you today. It's not that I lack the drive...it's that this current 'Music Challange' line of questioning is boring me to tears. You know how I get when I get bored with something...I start ignoring it altogether and hope it will stop begging me to do it. You gotta spice it up Music Monday...make it exciting...make me wanna do you again....Sigh...okay, fine, I'll lay back and act like I enjoy it...

A song that makes you cry

Nothing. I have a tee tiny black heart that is moved by absolutely nothing. Nothing makes me cry (except for Doctor Who, Supernatural, The Hunger Games Books [Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeta!!!!], sappy love stories...okay, a whole fucking lot, but I'll never admit to it)...

Okay...fine. Every once in a while when I've had more than my fair share of whiskey I'll sit and listen to this song, and sing along while I cry big, ugly tears and hiccup my way through most of it...and I don't even get most of the words right because I'm too busy adding a multitude of curse words and sad, personal commentary...It's not pretty...in fact it's downright freaking ugly and scary...and it is so sad that it will chill your very soul and make you wonder what in my past made me shatter so very hard.

We all have that one song that makes us think about that one person (even if we wouldn't take them back if god herself came down and was all, like, if you take them back I'll get rid of all your stretch marks and make ice cream and donuts calorie free - okay, MAYBE then I'd reconsider...only maybe though)...especially after you've had one too many....

♫...Her breath pure as whiskey...♫

2012-01-29T18:40:00.001-06:00

Day 29: You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?

My first instinct is to weep and fling myself off a bridge in this situation...

My second instinct is to shout INNISFREE IRISH PUB, in Birmingham...

...but then I remember MOTHER FREAKIN' CAJUN MIKE'S IN NEW ORLEANS....1. it's in New Orleans, and I'd pistol whip my own mother if it meant that I could move to New Orleans...and 2. well, look at the pictures below:

Damn it, I will move in to Cajun Mikes and never leave...their level of awesome is far superior to anyone else's...and they have a healthy respect for the inevitable zombie apocalypse.

I want my ashes scattered at this bar when I bite it.

Look...they even drew ME on a sign

♫...Let's stop chasing them boys and shop some more...♫

2012-01-29T18:26:00.000-06:00

Day 28: Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?

I don't know about Rufus and his phone booth...but if the Doctor and his police box appeared out of nowhere...I'd have all of time and space to choose from...but I'll limit myself to time...if I must.

I think I'd probably go to the 1940s and go shopping. Seriously. I love the clothing from that time, and I can not find anything I like about most modern clothes...except for my 3,000 Doctor Who and Supernatural t-shirts. This way, I'd be able to buy a massive amount of clothing, that I liked...for cheap.

I'd definitely want to hang out with Marlene Dietrich and Katherine Hepburn too.

♫...You're just made for love...♫

2012-01-29T18:14:00.002-06:00

Day 27: You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Easy.

Benedict Cumberbatch...the man's voice alone sends me into insane heights of orgasmic bliss.

I'm going to take the liberty of assuming that this question means that I get him all to myself for 24 hours...and that he's more than willing (a girl can dream, can't she?!).

There would, of course, be the usual...you know...restraints, riding crops, positions, etc...but I'm not going to go into all that with you...or we'll be here for days.

Sometime during the day he would tie me up and read naughty poetry to me...his voice...sweet baby raptor Jesus take the wheel! HIS VOICE....(I just got all kinds of tingly listening to him talk about a car!...holy Moses and Mary too, the way he said leather...my vagina just went nuclear.)

I'm aware that occasionally we will have to come up for air and sustenance...during which time I will coat the man in Nutella and lick every inch of it off...especially those goddamn perfect cheekbones that make the angels weep...

♫...Come diddle my skittle...♫

2012-01-28T18:17:00.000-06:00

Adult Content Notice: The links provided in the post are meant for those readers 18 and older.

Recently, while perusing Tumblr (aka: spending endless hours scrolling through my dashboard), I ran across a post that made my brain grind to a halt and sputter ‘What?” in a fashion that evoked images of the 10th Doctor…which made me all tingly…which went against everything this post was trying to convey…which made the whole cycle start all over again. I may have blacked out for a few moments as well.

The post in question was a quote from a 25 year old female who claims that masturbation is degrading to your body, and that you should take up knitting instead. I'm paraphrasing, of course, but not much. Go ahead and read the entire quote if you want your head to explode:

“I’m 25, have a great sex life, and in the 11%. Never touched myself, never even thought about doing it. I always thought if I want to get aroused that’s what a man’s for. I mean, 89% of women must not get great/fullfilling sex. What a shame. I would never degrade myself nor my body in such a way. If sex rules your life, you have a problem and addiction. I spent almost 3 years away from my fiance and I never once touched myself. I have great confidence and self-esteem. I’m not a prude, but this crosses the line. If you we were supposed to masterbate we wouldn’t need a life partner. Take up knitting.” ((via))

Now, her little speech would be fine and dandy if she were applying this view to her own life, and not trying to shame the world at large. She, like everyone else, is entitled to do as she pleases with her own body. However, she is, of course, completely wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong, degrading, or shameful about masturbation. I know, no one wants to talk about it or admit to it, but more people do it than don't...and why shouldn't they? Not only is it fun, but it promotes a multitude of happy, documented, health benefits:

Hello, no STDs/STIs or pregnancy.
It relieves stress and boosts your mood by releasing those awesome feel good endorphins..so it's an all natural 'pick me up'.
When you can't sleep...it's a natural sedative.
It helps to keep your blood pressure, reproductive system, and brain chemistry in good shape.
It helps build stronger pelvic floor muscles...which can lead to better sex with a partner.
For men it can lead to a healthier prostate and improve how your immune system functions.
For women it can help resist yeast infections and relieve menstrual cycle symptoms such as cramps, backaches, and headaches
You will develop more sexual awareness (discover what turns you on) and what works best for you...which can lead to greater sexual confidence.
With greater sexual awareness and confidence you are more likely to have an orgasm during intercourse or oral sex.
It feels really freakin' good.

So you can see, whether you're into manual or automatic (aka, the wonderful world of adult toys), masturbation has a lot of positives in it's favor. Be proud of the fact that you are in touch with your sexual side

For my female readers, if you're timid, or unsure of what to do or where to start, you can learn by reading online, reading books, or watching videos such as The Art of Female Self Pleasuring. I also highly recommend purchasing a toy that appeals to you from EdenFantasys...that goes for all of my readers, regardless of what your gender identity is.

This Post Is Sponsored by EdenFantasys.com

♫...The dog days are done...♫

2012-01-27T16:08:00.001-06:00

Look at that smug little bastard. This was taken on the ONE day this month that the temperature actually got below 70 degrees...and he stole ALL the covers.

More photos under the cut.

The top 2 are Leonard, and the Bottom 2 are Sheldon:

Now, here's a picture of Leonard in my lap now vs. Leonard in my lap at 9weeks old. Guess which one of us has gotten bigger, and which one of us has gotten smaller:

♫...Tonight you're my island queen...♫

2012-01-26T20:12:00.001-06:00

Day 26: You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

I would put into effect a 3pm nap time rule...followed by margaritas and debauchery....every day.

Short post is short because my eyes feel like they are going to bleed.

If they do, I'll take pictures.

For more info on what life would be like if I were in charge CLICK HERE!

♫...Remember what the dormouse said...♫

2012-01-26T14:26:00.002-06:00

STFU, Parents: I want to be clear about this...I have friends who have kids and are awesome...awesome people, and awesome parents (Hey, Amanda! *waves*)...and this website is in NO way about them.

Sock Bun: Yes, you read that right, sock bun. I've been doing this for a while and it is ever so convenient! Not only does it make it easier to put your hair in a bun, it also provides me with a great way to get a little body in my hair without applying heat (if I do this with damp hair the night before).

Curry: The spice. I've always loved curry anything...but lately I've been adding it to more and more of my meals. Yesterday for lunch, I had canned tuna with a bit of light mayo, salt, pepper, and curry. It was amazing. It pays to be a little daring with things now and again.

The Love From Tumblr Fandoms: They've all come together to help a dear member of the Supernatural Fandom who needs medical help. Please check out the links here and donate to this cause if you are able...if you're unable to donate, please spread the word (give us a signal boost)!

Lingerie: If my Kaboodle list is any indication, I'm obsessed with it.

Sherlock Cosplay: This lady is awesome.

Dormice: I'm obsessed with Alice in Wonderland...that's no secret...LOOK AT THIS GODDAMN CUTE DORMOUSE! Did you know there actually was such a thing outside of Wonderland? The cute will literally melt your brain and cause it too ooze out of your ears...

This Tweet: I saw it during the State of the Union Address...and agreed wholeheartedly.

♫...Pour yourself a drink girl...♫

2012-01-25T22:09:00.001-06:00

Day 25: An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. "Be brand-specific" it says... so what's it gonna be?

ARE.YOU.KIDDING.ME? Well, after I finish kissing this angel (who I hope is Castiel)...with tongue...because I'm overcome with a happiness that cannot be described...I will have to think long and hard about this oh so important question.

I like a lot of different things...which, I can still have, just not in an endless supply...so it's very important to pick my favorite for the endless supply, right? Well, in that case I'll have to go with: Maker's Mark Bourbon Whiskey...mix it with a little lemon juice and a dash of powdered sugar and I'm set.

This has been your weekly glimpse into my spiraling alcoholism. Thanks for joining us, and goodnight.

♫...Here comes the pain again...♫

2012-01-25T20:48:00.000-06:00

I don't know about wonderful, but I certainly do have some weird for you...namely, myself...more specifically the stupid things that happen to me.

If you've been following this blog for any length of time, you probably already know that my psycho cat, Aslan, likes to yowl in high definition surround sound, at the top of his little kitty lungs whenever I try to sleep. He's been doing this for five years now, so before some of you start saying crap like 'It's worse if you have a a real child'...don't...or I will punch you right in the mouth....

....where was I?...

oh, yeah. My holy terror of a ginger haired fluff ball...

Normally I go to bed around 3am and wake up around 9am (such is the life of the professionally unemployed), but yesterday I made an effort to wake up around 7am...and by midnight I was ready to crash. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was dead to the world.

You may recall that I have very vivid, very delightful dreams quite often...last night was no exception. My mind was giving me a treat that engaged almost all of my senses (I don't recall if I could smell anything) with a delicious dream involving me, a certain Time Lord, a jar of nutella, and a dining room table. We were just getting to a rather juicy bit when something huge knocked me in the face...and no, it was not The Doctor's pulsating...erm...'sonic screwdriver'. It was Aslan. My huge, Maine Coon, pain in the ass, furry ball of yowling fury. His voice began to hit octaves that shatter glass (and I'm sure he's the true reason I have a constant ringing in one of my ears). It took me a moment to get my bearings straight, and realize what was going on....he started yowling louder...which I had previously thought was impossible. A few moments later, I wearily sat up and threw my legs over the side of the bed.

...that's when I noticed that my equilibrium was screwed all to hell.

One thing about Aslan that you need to know before I go any further, is that when he wants out he does a particular little ritual. First he'll run to the door and paw at it. If that goes unnoticed, the yowling begins. The angry 'wails' progressively get louder and closer together...and then he'll start jumping from my bed to any flat surface in my room and back again. If that goes unnoticed he'll try to rip the blinds from my window. When he finally gets my attention, and I walk to the door to take him out...instead of coming to the door (where he wants to go!!!!!), he runs to the window...which is currently behind a stack of huge tubs (most of my stuff is still packed up). He makes me chase after him...which, after all he's done to get me to let him out, is the straw that sometimes breaks the camel's back.

Last night, after discovering that I couldn't walk a straight line to save my life, I shuffled across my room to scoop the yowling maniac out of the window and do his bidding. Weaving my way back across the room (my head feeling as if it were on some twirly ride at the devil's carnival) I managed to step on something hard and sharp with the outer part of the ball of my right foot. Now I'm hobbling...trying not to curse too loudly, juggling a huge, squirming, pissed off cat...with a spinning sensation going on in my head...in the dark. Reaching down, I felt around on my foot ( imagine me on one foot now) to see what I could have possibly stepped on, and I realize that whatever it is is attached to a piece of clothing. Inching, painfully, over to the light switch, I turn on the lights and after a moment of painful blindness, I realize what's sticking out of my foot....one of the hooks from one of my bras.

....let me repeat that for you...a hook...from a bra...was buried in my foot!!!!!!

...I'm sure these things only happen to me.

As gently as possible, I removed the hook, pried open my door (quick fact: when I close my door, I'm locked in my room. I can either get someone to open it from the outside, or I can use an old credit card to jimmy it open. Sometimes this takes a while...and I was still holding the angry Lord Aslan), and made my way through the pitch black house. Now I'm still half asleep, my head feels like a spinning top on acid, and my foot is throbbing and bleeding...I'm trying to be as quiet as possible so that I do not wake the others in the house...but I keep running into walls and furniture...and what's worse is that I kept apologizing to the walls and furniture.

I finally deposited the pissed off feline on the back porch and limped back to my room. Part of my brain wanted me to check on my foot, but the rest of my brain said, "Fuck you, we're going to bed." When I finally woke up, it was red, throbbing and ugly. I will spare you the details of how I cleaned it up and bandaged it...but it was deep and it's still throbbing. I'm no doctor, but I'm positive it doesn't need stitches...and I am self medicating.

The moral of the story is: Bras are dangerous.

His Royal Highness

♫...She's got super human lips, for super suction...♫

2012-01-24T21:11:00.000-06:00

Day 24: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Wow. People should really stop letting me cook...

When I first saw this question I immediately began thinking of things like being invisible so I could watch Benedict Cumberbatch or Norman Reedus in the shower...and then I thought it would be awesome to be able to fly because I wouldn't have to be felt up by a TSA agent in order to go to London...and I also thought super strength would come in handy so that I don't have to ask my brothers to open the nutella jar when they put it on way too tight...and I would REALLY enjoy Mystique's ability to shapeshift., like a lot...an unhealthy amount really...

...but screw that. I want an extremely useful superpower...I want to have the ability to turn water into vodka.

♫...get up on this...♫

2012-01-24T10:08:00.002-06:00

Ten Things You Should Probably Know About Me Before You Try To Get Up On This:

1. If you break my heart...you do not get a second chance. I'm that kind of woman. (hee hee, Doctor Who reference)...and you might even get set on fire. *

I would love to be one of those people who's all, "we loved, thank you, you enriched my life, now go, prosper," but I'm much more "we didn't work out, you need to not exist." ~ Miranda, Sex and the City

2. You will never be able to sexually satisfy me the way Benedict Cumberbatch's voice does.

3. I'm more than a bit kinky....and at the very least, I will probably make you dress up like The 11th Doctor or Sherlock...**

4. Peeta Mellark...Peeta Fucking Mellark. *ugly crying*...and Goddamn Pacey Witter too. ***

5. Never ever give me ultimatums...ever...it will get ugly...and it will get personal...and I will always choose my 'pets'.

6. If either The Doctor or Dean Winchester show up, all bets are off.

7. I'm the type of girl who likes to throw 'Mad Tea Parties' where everyone wears costumes and drinks tea and eats cake...and I like role-playing...and cosplay...and Science Fiction/Fantasy/Comic Book conventions...I like wearing costumes and wigs...even when it's not Halloween. When I'm not at work I dress according to my personality and mood...and if that embarrasses you...go home and cry in your sippy cup, this girl is not for you.

8. Those with low sex drives need not apply.

9. Waking me up...or irritating me right after I wake up...will get you killed. Don't do it. It's like poking an angry grizzly with a stick...you're stupid and you deserve what's coming to you. This also applies to talking to me while I'm watching Supernatural, Doctor Who or Sherlock.

10. The fact is, I'm fiercely independent. I don't like like feeling trapped...and I've always taken care of myself. I don't know how to let anyone take care of me...it's not something I've ever experienced. That doesn't mean I wouldn't like it...with the right person...given they accept the fact and know that I can take care of myself...I just don't know how to let someone else do things for me. I also have a bawdy, sarcastic sense of humor that most people don't appreciate. If you can take my good with my bad and not run away screaming like your hair is on fire...and you don't try to change me...we'll probably get along nicely despite anything else...well, except for #8, that's a dealbreaker.

* There is, of course, one exception to this rule.
** I have a split personality, and my 'darker' half thinks she's a dominatrix
*** Ruined me, mother freakin' RUINED me...The Doctor too, obviously.

♫...Everyone in here's on the guest list...♫

2012-01-23T22:26:00.005-06:00

Day 23: For one night, you can bring 5 famous people back from the dead for a lavish dinner party. Who do you invite?

Wow. That's slightly morbid....bringing dead people back to life...and kind of rude to disturb their afterlife like that...but I'm going to assume two things: #1 They are not coming back as zombies...and #2 This is going to be the dinner party to end all dinner parties with an endless supply of alcohol (will have to be with who I'm inviting) and delicious food....

Here we go...the Dead People Dinner Party Guest List:

Oscar Wilde

Writer and poet...and all around snarky badass.

A good friend of mine swears that I was Oscar Wilde in a previous life.

His drink of choice: Absinthe (before it was pussified)

“It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.”

F. Scott Fitzgerald and Zelda Fitzgerald

Fuck you, they count as one if I say so.

Apparently, these two were a hell of a good time at parties.

Legend has it, that both of them were mischievous drunks and would sometimes dance naked.

They had a tumultuous relationship and were both tragic figures, but were creative and fascinating people.

Drink of choice: Gin Rickey

“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”

Dorothy Parker

One of my favorite writers...and member of the Algonquin Round Table

I admire her sharp wit immensely.

Drink of choice: Whiskey Sour...just like me.

“I wish I could drink like a lady
I can take one or two at the most
Three and I’m under the table
Four and I’m under the host”

Mae West

Argueably the world's first 'bawdy' sex symbol.

I can do a spot on impression of Mae, as I've admired her since I was in my early teens.

I have all of her movies.

Drink of choice: She claimed to never drink.

"There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out."

Marilyn Monroe

Everyone loves Marilyn...and if you don't...there's something wrong with you.

She was a very intelligent and well read woman...we both enjoy Whitman and Keats...

...and I just want to hug her.

Drink of choice: Dom Perignon 1953

"No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they're pretty, even if they aren't."

EDIT: 24 January 2012 - I want to invite every single lady on THIS LIST

♫...Put your dirty angel face between my legs...♫

2012-01-23T11:00:00.002-06:00

A song that makes you want to dance

I've been in a very Goldfrapp kind of mood lately. I don't know when this happened, or when I first started listening to them...but I think it had something to do with trying to find music I could take my clothes off to. Somehow Twist made it on to my workout playlist, and every single time it comes on I can't help but add a lot of hip shaking, grinding, dirty dancing to my workout....

♫...I'm your slave, I'm a dream divine...♫

2012-01-22T20:34:00.000-06:00

Day 22: Lyrics that apply to your current situation/mood.

♫...You're sexy as hell...♫

2012-01-22T20:05:00.002-06:00

Day 21: -A random fact about yourself

I have a huge crush on Craig Ferguson. And when I say huge...I mean, if I ever came within jumping distance of him I would leap on to his body and wrap my limbs about him as if I were a creature of octopus like features. My limbs would attach to him as if they had little suction cups all over them...and security would have to pry them off...one little sucker at a time. All the while I would rub my body all over him.

Which is one of the reasons I'm not at his show (in my town) right now...I can't afford to get another restraining order against me.

♫...It's like I'm the wife of Halloween...♫

2012-01-20T22:06:00.003-06:00

December 31, 2011 (New Year's Eve). My backyard. The blinding lights from the elementary school combined with the dense fog and turned our backyard into the perfect setting for a horror movie.

♫...shut up and drive...♫

2012-01-20T21:10:00.003-06:00

Day 20: On a scale of 1-10, how likely are you to swear at other drivers?

10 million.

If there is ever a time when I'm driving and I'm not swearing at other drivers...something is seriously wrong.

People piss me off...but never as much as when I'm driving. There have been times, too numerous to count, when I have been driving to school or work, minding my own business, and some moron comes along and almost kills me. I've been run off the road by truckers, mothers in mini vans who are turned around yelling at/smacking their kids, and people applying makeup in the rear-view mirror. Stop it, just freakin' stop it, damnit.

Doing any of the following will cause me to let out a long, loud, creative string of obscenities that would make the proverbial sailor blush:

Running me off the road: So far, everyone who has done this has either been a trucker or had an Alabama or 'W' sticker on their car....I always said I was going to write my thesis on what that could mean.
Not using your blinker....USE YOUR GODDAMN BLINKER, BEFORE YOU FORCE YOUR WAY IN FRONT OF ME! I WILL FUCKING HIT YOU NEXT TIME.
Old people who drive 5 mph on the 50 mph long ass two lane road that I used to have to drive down to get to work (I live in the damn boonies), and there is only one little place where you are able pass safely. I know you learned how to drive with a horse and buggy, but goddamn it GO FASTER.
Doing dumbass things that take your concentration off the road and those around you. Example: Applying makeup, reading a goddamn book (you would be surprised), turning around to mess with your children (unless they are in a life threatening situation...then I'll make concessions).
Driving slow in the passing lane. ARE YOU AN IDIOT?
People who stomp on their breaks every 5 minutes...WHEN THERE'S NO ONE IN FRONT OF THEM FOR MILES!
I'm sure there's more...

♫...Just get in my box...♫

2012-01-19T18:56:00.002-06:00

Day 19: Someone you’d like to be for a day and why

Whomever is currently making sweet, sweet (and I bet very naughty) love to Benedict Cumberbatch.

Five Reasons:

Reason 1: His mind and personality.

Reason 2. His voice does wicked things to my lady bits

Reason 3: When he plays the violin =

Reason 4: I wanna do this...

Reason 5:

♫...We're not gonna take it...♫

2012-01-19T18:35:00.000-06:00

Day 18: A quote you try to live by:

It's rather appropriate that this question should be for Day 18...because this site was blacked out yesterday (Day 18) in protest against SOPA and PIPA....and censorship in general....and this is the question I would have answered then:

“And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual. This is what I am and what I am about.” ~ John Steinbeck, East of Eden

If I was more savvy we'd be completely blacked out...

2012-01-18T00:28:00.002-06:00

♫...Stay out of my bedroom Baby, if you can't take the heat...♫

2012-01-17T22:49:00.000-06:00

Day 17: Say 10 facts about your room

1. A long, excessively furry, ginger cat rules it as if he is the bloody queen.

2. It's where all the magic happens...and by magic...I mean me waving around my wand and practicing my spells from Harry Potter.

3. I have a Starbucks mini-fridge in my room...and it's HUGE inside. Once I have money again, it will be full of beer...and other goodies. Right now it has some coconut water and some Laughing Cow cheese it in.

4. Three walls are an ordinary light blue color...one wall is TARDIS blue.

5. I have a picture of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in a leopard print bikini on the inside of my bedroom door...motivation for when I'm working out and feel like quitting.

6. There's a baseball bat beside my bed...in case of sudden zombie attacks...or annoying ex-boyfriends.

7. There's a map of downtown New Orleans on my closet door.

8. My bed has 9 pillows and 6 blankets...all thrown around haphazardly.

9. There are books EVERYWHERE...there are more books in my room than anything else...it could double as a small library.

10. There's a take out bag from Cafe du Monde sitting on my 2nd desk.

♫...Now everybody's praying, don't pray on me...♫

2012-01-16T20:55:00.005-06:00

Day 16: What are your views on religion?

The most honest answer to this question would probably be to tell you that Doctor Who is my religion. I am a proud Whovian. There was a wonderful article on Cracked a while back entitled, How Doctor Who Became My Religion, and it was spot on...

I'm not religious...at all.

My views on sex/sexuality...drinking...a woman's right to make her own goddamn choices...and a whole host of other things...do not jive with organized religion.

I have my beliefs and I am steadfast in those beliefs, but I do not like organized religion. When I was just a wee little lass, my family attended a Missionary Baptist Church, and to say it was 'repressive' would be putting it mildly. Eventually, we moved on to become Southern Baptists...which I'm not going to discuss because I have nothing good to say about it. I believe that organized religion (and yes, I'm referring 100% to the Christian religion prevalent here in the south, mainly Baptists) has strayed so blessedly far away from what was intended that it has lost all sight of where it should be. I've seen it with my own eyes.

I would never tell anyone that they shouldn't be religious though. If that's what they want/need, then more power to them...but I expect the same kind of respect back. You believe what you want and do what you feel is right...but leave me the hell alone to believe what I want and to follow my doctrine of treating all people with kindness, respect, and love regardless of their religion, sexuality, gender/sex, etc...

In a previous post, I stated that my beliefs on religion could be summed up best by a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert, and if you'll indulge me, I'd like to re-post it here:

The Hopi Indians thought that the world’s religions each contained one spiritual thread, and that these threads are always seeking each other, wanting to join. When all the threads are finally woven together they will form a rope that will pull us out of this dark cycle of history and into the next realm. More contemporarily, the Dalai Lama has repeated the same idea, assuring his Western students repeatedly that they needn’t become Tibetan Buddhists in order to be his pupils. He welcomes them to take whatever ideas they like out of Tibetan Buddhism and integrate these ideas into their own religious practices. Even in the most unlikely and conservative of places, you can find sometimes this glimmering idea that God might be bigger than our limited religious doctrines have taught us. In 1954, Pope Pius XI, of all people, sent some Vatican delegates on a trip to Libya with these written instructions: “Do NOT think that you are going among Infidels. Muslims attain salvation, too. The ways of Providence are infinite.”

But doesn’t that make sense? That the infinite would be, indeed … infinite? That even the most holy amongst us would only be able to see scattered pieces of the eternal picture at any given time? And that maybe if we could collect those pieces and compare them, a story about God would begin to emerge that resembles and includes everyone? And isn’t our individual longing for transcendence all just part of this larger human search for divinity? Don’t we each have the right to not stop seeking until we get as close to the source of wonder as possible? Even if it means coming to India and kissing trees in the moonlight for a while?

Dear Ruby: When the Zombie Apocalypse starts who do you hope too be with?

2012-01-15T19:24:00.004-06:00

Q: When the Zombie Apocalypse starts who do you hope too be with?

A: Realistically speaking, I'm going to go for the obvious and say that I hope my family is nearby when all hell breaks loose. As much as I would like to say I'm badass enough not to need to look for them...I would totally spend my time trying to find them. Sure, they often make me want to beat my head against a brick wall in frustration and annoyance, but they are my family. To clarify, when I say family I mean Mum, Dad, 2 annoying brothers. I would like to think we could survive with our dogs and cat in tow...but I know that's not possible...and I don't want to think about it so shut up...

Next, there are certain friends that I would want with me...and only a handful of them live in the same state as I do right now. My brain twin and right hand lives in Arizona and she would most definitely have to be retrieved if the Zombie Apocalypse sprung up in the immediate future. A couple of my girls are in California, and there are a few more friends spread out over the country. Everyone pretty much knows who they are at this point. I'm not saying it's feasible or even remotely doable...but they are who I would like to have with me...not only are they beloved, but they are also badass and extremely capable of kicking zombie ass.

Now, if we could suspend reality for a moment, I would like to consider the Top 5 fictional characters that I would most like to have with me during the Zombie Apocalypse: (saying The Doctor would kind of be cheating)
1. Daryl Dixon (duh)
2. The Winchester Brothers
3. Katniss Everdeen
4. Alice from Resident Evil
5. Sherlock

♫...And there ain't no millionaires lookin' for me...♫

2012-01-15T19:10:00.001-06:00

Day 15: What is your ideal career?

Seriously.

Growing up, all I wanted to do was act. I was quite the little performer too. That would still be ideal, but the problem is that I like to eat and I'm over 30, which seems to be against everything Hollywood wants in an actress...so fuck them.

Being on British television would be a dream come true...especially if Steven Moffat had anything to do with it. I would sell my soul for that...you know, if I had one.

Writing Fantasy or Erotic Fiction full time would also be ideal.

Dear Ruby: What is your bra size?

2012-01-14T21:22:00.006-06:00

Q: What is your bra size?

A: If I had a dollar for every time I was asked this, I'd be rich...or I'd have a lot of booze...
My bra size is the same size as Christina Hendricks'.

Ask me anything

♫...I won't tell you no lies...♫

2012-01-14T20:52:00.000-06:00

For Sexy Saturday, I'll answer any questions I receive in my Formspring...as long as they are not straight up sickly vulgar, crass, or boring. Questions through Formspring are Anonymous, by the way.

<a href="http://www.formspring.me/RubyLeBeau">http://www.formspring.me/RubyLeBeau</a>

If I don't get any questions...well...I'll just relax and enjoy my evening.

♫...The wine, the women, the bedroom hymns...♫

2012-01-14T20:18:00.000-06:00

Day 14: What's you ideal date?

Well, my ideal date is probably not suitable for a first date...or the first few dates...I would probably be kind of weirded out if someone did this when I was just getting to know them...but all that aside...this is my dream date.

First off, it would be at someone's house...either my place or theirs...and we'd be dressed comfortably. No one would have had to slave over a stove for dinner either...we would eat some kind of yummy takeout that we both enjoyed.

Here's where it gets good....

We'd be eating our takeout while in a fort/tent in the living room, kind of like this:

...except it would be inside...not outside...

...and then we'd have a Doctor Who/Lord of the Rings/Harry Potter/Firefly/Sherlock/Supernatural marathon...while in our tent...barefoot...comfy...maybe sipping hot cocoa if it was cold out.

Even better if I'm crawling in there w/Veronica Mars and Logan Echolls. Meow.

♫...wanna get you in my pleasure dome...♫

2012-01-13T16:53:00.002-06:00

Day 13: Do you have any kinks?

A few in my neck.

Ha ha. I'll be here all week...

No, seriously, have you met me? Have you read this blog? Of course I have kinks. I had a good number of them before I started watching Supernatural, and now, thanks to being so embedded in the fandom, I've developed a wide assortment of new ones. You only get to hear about one of them though...one of the 'tame' ones....and I'm basing this one off the Fanficton definition of 'kink' ("The term kink has a somewhat different connotation in reference to fan fiction than it does in mainstream culture. Sexual tropes or situations are often referred to as kinks whether or not they are particularly "adventurous." via) because I don't broadcast my 'love' life, sorry.

Guys dressed in what I call 'Mobster/Gangster' attire. When I say gangster, I mean of the Al Capone, Lucky Luciano variety...not of the baggy pants/lots of gold jewelry variety. It just flat out does it for me. Basically, what I'm saying is, I have a thing for guys in a three piece suit, fedora and long coat. I will lose all sense of control...and rational speech and thought will go completely out the window.

Luckily, tonight I get to combine my (some say 'unhealthy') obsession with Dean Winchester with this particular 'kink'...and holy great mother of baby raptor jesus, I am going to die if the pictures are any indication of what this episode is going to be like!

This is what I saw:

This was my instant reaction:

So, in conclusion, WATCH SUPERNATURAL, PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARD WINNERS OF FAVORITE NETWORK DRAMA & FAVORITE SCI-FI/FANTASY SHOW, TONIGHT AT 9/8 CENTRAL ON THE CW...if you want to pinpoint the exact moment when I die.

P.S. Here's a long, awesome list of Fanfic kinks. for those interested.

♫...Bad bad brain...♫

2012-01-12T23:12:00.002-06:00

Dreams: In my Neurochemistry/Neuropsychology/Neurobiology class (my absolute favorite class ever) Dr. B told us that "Dreams are a product of the neocortex assimilating new memories with already stored memories. This is what gives dreams their bizarre nature. They are a byproduct of the brain making memories" (yes, I kept my notes). That basically means that dreams are the mind watching the brain process memories (in Dr. B's words)...which I think is incredibly cool. Thanks to this nifty little process, I was able to watch a ton of Sherlock just before bed and then have a darkly erotic dream about Benedict Cumberbatch....can we say spontaneous orgasms? The brain is so awesome.

This Quote: "Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives." ~ Dr. Dement.

The Hunger Games Trilogy: I have no idea what took me so long to start reading these books, but as soon as I began, I could not stop! They are captivating from the moment you start, and keep you enthralled until the very end. Since I read incredibly fast, I read all of Catching Fire and all but 150 pages of Mockingjay in one evening/early morning. I could have finished Mockingjay (at 4:30 in the morning), but I didn't want it to be over...and I was so scared for Peeta, whom I had grown to love (SO FREAKING MUCH), that I made myself wait two whole days to finish it. The last bit of the final chapter (before the epilogue) in Mockingjay had me crying. I'm talking, big, ugly, heaving, loud sobs (kind of like how I cry when I re-watch the end of Forest of the Dead). If you can evoke that kind of response from me, you have done some damn good storytelling.

Supernatural won 2 People's Choice Awards: In fact, they won one of the biggest, Favorite Network Drama, but the People's Choice Awards, or CBS, or whomever, decided that they were not going to invite our guys to the show or even air their win! Can you believe that crap? Huffington Post wrote an amazing piece on it today, and I'll direct you over there before I burst another blood vessel over how stupid that was! I just wanted to say congratulations to them! It's an amazing show, with some AMAZING talent, and a group of fans who are dedicated and unwilling to let this bullshit stand!

♫...the evil waits with zombie eyes...♫

2012-01-12T22:25:00.000-06:00

Day 12: Would you get bit by a zombie in order to save someone you loved and cared about?

Hell to the no! Are you kidding me? When the zombie apocalypse starts you man up or you get to be a zombie snack. I would help others, and help protect them, but there's no way I'm going to sacrifice myself in the event that someone I love is stupid enough to get cornered by one of the walking dead. Now, I will go so far as to say that I might feel differently if I had a significant other or children...but probably not. I do have one or two friends that I would seriously try to save with everything I have in me...but I'm not going to throw myself between them and a zombie. Of course, those couple of friends (Amanda!) wouldn't need me to. That's why they're in my zombie crew. Before you call me heartless, please note that my youngest brother said that he will not allow children or old people in his group...as he believes they would just be an impediment to his continued existence.

♫...come to me with cake in your pocket...♫

2012-01-11T18:41:00.000-06:00

Day 11: You’ll love me if…

*I'm sick...just getting out of bed hurts...send Dean Winchester and booze...

♫...Moonlight and magnolia, starlight in your hair...♫

2012-01-10T19:16:00.001-06:00

I thought about making this Tuesday Ten "Ten Ways I Will Make The Next Person Who Keeps Me From Finishing Mockingjay Suffer", as I'm only 150 pages away from finishing (I read all of Catching Fire and all but 150 pages of Mockingjay in ONE DAY...because I'm badass and I read fast...because I read a whole HELL of a lot...but I digress...). Instead, I decided to go with

10 Ways Alabama Makes Me Want To Stab Myself In The Face With A Rusty Spoon

1. The Weather. We have two seasons in Alabama: Slightly Cool and GD-MOTHER-HUMPING-BURN-MY-FACE-OFF Hot. It's motherf'ing JANUARY and I've had my windows up and fan on for the last four days. It's been nearly 70 degrees.

2. Obnoxious Football Fans: Notice I didn't say all football fans...obnoxious covers 90% of them though. It doesn't matter if their team wins or loses, I always have to hear/see vile, obnoxious comments spewing from their tiny brains. Example, when LSU beat Alabama a few months ago someone wrote as their facebook status that they hoped the LSU coach drank a huge cup of AIDS. There is so many things wrong with that that I can't even begin to discuss them without my blood pressure skyrocketing. It was only one of a million offensive things I heard then. Fast forward to last night and today, after Alabama beat LSU, the things I've heard have been just as bad. Grow the fuck up and get a life, people. It's just a game.

3. Six Flags Over Jesus: There is a church on every corner. I'm not exaggerating. I have nothing against people exercising their right to worship their chosen religion. I DO have something against people who try to stick their noses in my business, or persecute others because their beliefs are different. The mentality of most Southern Baptist Churches has become 'You're either with us, or against us'. An organization that shuns or sees people who decide to leave it as an enemy is not an organization that I want any part of...and I have seen it happen live and in living color. I'm down with Jesus, nothing against him...but the way the church is now, I have little doubt that he would not want any part of it himself. I think it's 100% possible to have beliefs, strong beliefs, and not have anything to do with organized religion. It sickens me when I hear people talk about how they need to save the godless heathens who have beliefs different from their own. I think what I believe was summed up best by Elizabeth Gilbert:

The Hopi Indians thought that the world’s religions each contained one spiritual thread, and that these threads are always seeking each other, wanting to join. When all the threads are finally woven together they will form a rope that will pull us out of this dark cycle of history and into the next realm. More contemporarily, the Dalai Lama has repeated the same idea, assuring his Western students repeatedly that they needn’t become Tibetan Buddhists in order to be his pupils. He welcomes them to take whatever ideas they like out of Tibetan Buddhism and integrate these ideas into their own religious practices. Even in the most unlikely and conservative of places, you can find sometimes this glimmering idea that God might be bigger than our limited religious doctrines have taught us. In 1954, Pope Pius XI, of all people, sent some Vatican delegates on a trip to Libya with these written instructions: “Do NOT think that you are going among Infidels. Muslims attain salvation, too.The ways of Providence are infinite.”

But doesn’t that make sense? That the infinite would be, indeed … infinite? That even the most holy amongst us would only be able to see scattered pieces of the eternal picture at any given time? And that maybe if we could collect those pieces and compare them, a story about God would begin to emerge that resembles and includes everyone? And isn’t our individual longing for transcendence all just part of this larger human search for divinity? Don’t we each have the right to not stop seeking until we get as close to the source of wonder as possible? Even if it means coming to India and kissing trees in the moonlight for a while?

4. The Politics: Alabama politicians are extremely conservative. As far as they are concerned there is NO separation of church and state. Our Governor, who is a Baptist deacon, stood up at his inauguration and declared that only Christians are his brothers and sisters. I won't even get into the whole Roy Moore debacle. Religion has no place in politics... especially when I KNOW that they would use their religious beliefs to deny a woman her right to choose (even when her life is on the line) and they would make it illegal to have a relationship with someone of the same sex because they seem to think the Bible says that it's wrong. Get off your high horse, take a long look at yourself first, keep your beliefs off my rights, and do your damn job. I write my Representatives and Senator constantly, and the responses I receive spell out, plain and simple, that they cater to the religious right in our state because that's who keeps them in office.

5. Sexism, Racism, Homophobia: If you think there isn't any...you're fucking kidding yourself.

6. Everyone seems to think sex toys are illegal here: It's technically illegal to sell them, as I've explained before, but we have amazing stores that get around that by selling them for 'medical purposes'. It is NOT illegal to own them...and you CAN order them online. I have before, and I will again. You can order them from Good Vibrations, Toys in Babeland, Adam and Eve, and a special favorite of mine (who I hope to write for someday soon) EdenFantasys. Stop what you're doing and go order some...and send some to me while you're at it.

7. Hart of Dixie: I.fucking.HATE.that.show. It is not an accurate portrayal of Alabama. No, I doubt the people who write it have even been to Alabama. What it is, is a mockery...a poorly written, poorly acted farce that attempts to 'poke fun' at the South without knowing anything real about the South, and based completely on stereotypes. I may hate living here, but by god if you haven't lived here, don't you dare fucking try to make fun of it. It does not belong on the air, let alone the same station as my sweet Supernatural. I hope it dies...bloody.

8. Trader Joe's and Whole Foods: The closed damn Trader Joe's is in Atlanta, Georgia...and there's only ONE Whole Foods in the ENTIRE state! This causes me to have to get groceries at that evil corporation known as Walmart.

9. NO ONE comes here: Bands or otherwise. I normally have to travel to Atlanta, Nashville, or Knoxville to see any of my favorite bands play. Also, when Neil Gaiman (who I love more than anyone or anything...no I'm not obsessive, LEAVE ME ALONE) finally came to the state, he said that the reason he had never been here before (I'm paraphrasing) was that he was told we would have no interest in hearing him! HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING GOD! Not everyone in this state is a drooling neanderthal...but that's the reputation we have, so we often get gypped entertainment wise.

10. This:

♫...He is like fire, burning through time...♫

2012-01-10T17:21:00.001-06:00

If you had to be trapped in a TV show for a month, which show would you choose?

Wow. This is actually a really difficult question for me to answer. I mean, I would love to be in Supernatural so that I could hunt with Sam and Dean, and so that Dean would be real and I could strap on my spurs and ride him into the sunset. Part of me would also love to be in The Walking Dead so that I could shoot me some zombies, and maybe flirt with Daryl and lure him into my tent one night. The moment that I stop thinking with genitals, however, I know what my first choice would be and so do you (...probably even if I was still thinking with my genitals).

Yes, no surprise here, I would want to be on Doctor Who. Companion to the 11th Doctor, and Steven Moffat at the helm and writing. There really is no contest with all of time and space being on the table...and the possibility of meeting River Song sweetens the pot!

What would you choose?

♫...Ruby's heart ain't beatin cause she knows the feelin' is gone...♫

2012-01-09T18:09:00.000-06:00

A song you liked when you were younger

I have a love/hate relationship with this song. First off, my name is Ruby and my real last name starts with an S, so people have been calling me Ruby Soho for 16 years...which I don't mind, really. When this song came out, I was a freshman in high school and Rancid was my favorite band (I was also in love with Lars), so I was beyond thrilled with it. Fast forward a few years, people are still singing it to me, plus, now I'm a pink haired misfit who has a terrible habit of falling for musicians who have no problem walking away from me. The song becomes my life...and it takes on a really depressing vibe for me. Fast forward again until now. I've broke myself of my musician habit, and not that many people sing it at me anymore...but I often walk through the house and hear my youngest brother sing, "Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby's a HO" to this tune. *sigh*

♫...Your foot is firmly entrenched where a molar should be...♫

2012-01-09T17:47:00.002-06:00

Day 9: What are your 'deal-breakers'?

Depends on what you're referring to. For the sake of time and what's left of my sanity, I'll assume this is referring to 'relationship' deal-breakers. Things I simply will not tolerate/cannot live with. Some of these will be dead serious, and others will have a slightly more humorous tone to them. The thing is, if you're pissing me off or annoying the ever loving hell out of me, I'm going to tell you. I won't mince words or try to do it subtly, and I don't try to 'change' people. At this point in my life, we are either compatible or we are not, I'm not going to take a rock and try to hope or pray or nag or hammer him into Dean Winchester.

The obvious things, obviously. I will not tolerate anyone who is abusive (emotionally, physically, verbally, psychologically) to people or animals. Being mean to my 'pets' (I consider my pets family) will not be tolerated in any form. I also will not tolerate sexist, racist, homophobic assholes. If you're a bigot:

Simply put, if you're a Republican you're probably not going to get in my knickers...and you're probably not going to want to as I am obsessively Pro-Choice and Pro-Birth Control...and Pro-Woman. Don't worry, I sometimes horrify Democrats too.

If you're a teetotaler. It just wouldn't work. The fact of the matter is I would dance on table tops and you'd sit there hating me...jealous of my awesome. I don't date addicts of any kind though.

I cannot deal with those people who get so angry/violent over a sports game. If you're the type of person who gets angry and stays in a bad mood because the team you were rooting for lost...we will not get along. It is entirely possible to enjoy a game and not let it turn you into a mindless, raging, screaming anger-ball and be grumpy and angry about it for days afterwards. In fact, tonight I'll be watching the LSU v Alabama (Geaux Tigers!) rematch with a house full of people who won't be emotionally effected by the outcome at all.

You make fun of nerdy/geeky people. Seriously. They are my people. I enjoy cons and cosplay, World of Warcraft, comic books, Science Fiction, Fantasy and everything that goes along with it. Do not disrespect my people!

Prudes. You all know how I am. I am overtly sexually on the internet. I'm even worse in person.

♫...I'm drunk once again...♫

2012-01-08T15:14:00.001-06:00

Day 8: What's one thing you've learned by getting older?

Sit back and relax because I am about to hit you with some knowledge. I'm going to impart unto you the most profound lesson I have learned since hitting my 30's:

In your 30's the simple act of waking up in the morning feels like the worst hangover ever from your 20's. Hangovers in your 30's feel like a goddamn atomic bomb has exploded in your head and is slowly poisoning every fiber of your very being, body and soul. You will want to die...you will be convinced you are dying....and I'm talking about the normal everyday waking up bit.

Right now you're probably filled with horror, dread or understanding...and begging to know how you deal with this horror/impending body apocalypse. Well, lucky for you, I have step by step instructions:

You drag yourself out of bed.

You make a pot of coffee or tea

Repeat last step as necessary.

Now...fuck off, I have an issue of Fables to read.

♫...Tattooed lady, needle blues...♫

2012-01-07T20:34:00.002-06:00

"If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am." ~ Stephen Chbosky The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Everyone's definition of 'sexy' differs. What I find sexy may not be what others find sexy. That doesn't mean that it's wrong. It just means that I have a different opinion. Which is allowed. Take tattoos for instance. I find them extremely sexy, but I've had people tell me how trashy I look because I have them. While they too are entitled to their opinion, I find the word 'trashy' a bit overly harsh. It's 2012 people, tattoos are not uncommon, I know little gray haired grannies with them for goodness sake!

When I got my first tattoo, I remember one of my parents asking me, 'What if the person you want to marry doesn't like tattoos?". My reply was something along the lines of me never marrying anyone that dull. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't accept me the way that I am? Why would I want to alter my personality/change who I am on the off chance that someone might find me more attractive if I did? Why would I want to take what makes me 'me' and stuff it in a little box and hide it from the world? I've tried to be one of those girls with the perfect hair and perfect clothes, who never spills anything on herself, but that's not me. I wasn't made to be a soccer mom, or a high society trophy wife, or the president of the PTA, or anything of the like. I was made for leather pants, tattoos, wild red hair, and a loud laugh. I will spill things on myself, I will trip across a flat surface while perfectly sober, I will snort when I laugh, I will get naughty when I want to, I will live my life on my own terms. At 32, I've accepted the fact that I will never be one of those 'perfect' looking girls. What I AM, however, is perfectly fucking BADASS...and that is sexy.

♫...I'm just thinking about the red dress...♫

2012-01-07T19:49:00.000-06:00

Day 7: What is your favorite poem?

This is more like it!

Less of me heaving my bosoms at celebrities and fictional characters, and more of me showing you that there is more to me than a whiskey soaked, raving, zombie obsessed, nymphomaniac/fangirl.

I post the video for Pretty by Katie Makkai a LOT, so I'm going to make myself choose something else.

There is another poem that I love just as much. To me, when I read it, it's a rally cry, an anthem, a call to arms, a wake up call to myself to be stronger, to take control, to be the badass that I know I am.

I hope you enjoy it...

What Do Women Want by Kim Addonizio

I want a red dress.

I want it flimsy and cheap,

I want it too tight, I want to wear it

until someone tears it off me.

I want it sleeveless and backless,

this dress, so no one has to guess

what's underneath. I want to walk down

the street past Thrifty's and the hardware store

with all those keys glittering in the window,

past Mr. and Mrs. Wong selling day-old

donuts in their café, past the Guerra brothers

slinging pigs from the truck and onto the dolly,

hoisting the slick snouts over their shoulders.

I want to walk like I'm the only

woman on earth and I can have my pick.

I want that red dress bad.

I want it to confirm

your worst fears about me,

to show you how little I care about you

or anything except what

I want. When I find it, I'll pull that garment

from its hanger like I'm choosing a body

to carry me into this world, through

the birth-cries and the love-cries too,

and I'll wear it like bones, like skin,

it'll be the goddamned

dress they bury me in.

♫...You're an alien sex fiend...♫

2012-01-06T17:32:00.001-06:00

Day 6: What 5 Celebrities Would You 'Do' Right Now, No Questions Asked, No Strings Attached?

I kind of feel like every post I write sort of answers this question, but whatever, here goes nothin':

1. Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus

Fuck you, they count as one if I say they count as one...especially if they are together at the time! I CAN'T BE TAMED!

2. Misha Collins

He just seems like he would be incredibly naughty, and creative...and by god I LOVE that.

3. Matt Smith

First of all, because JESUS HAVE MERCY he looks so good in those little yellow briefs...and I DETEST the color yellow, so that's really saying something. Second of all, he is so adorable that it makes my ovaries sigh dreamily...

4. Jason Segel

Funny. Adorable. Sweet. Nerdy. I adore him. I just want to lick his cute little face.

5. Mila Kunis

Honestly, who the hell wouldn't? Then afterwards, we could play WoW together and pwn some Alliance noobs. Be still my heart.

♫...Spend the night with Sherlock Holmes...♫

2012-01-05T20:10:00.005-06:00

All links now open in a new window/tab.

... because I don't want you to leave.

Wow. I'm not usually so co-dependent...

Oglaf.com: I'm not going to lie...it's pure smut, but it's funny as hell. I read through the entire site, start to finish, last night. It's 18+ and definitely NSFW.

This Post on my Tumblr: I have no idea why but this made me laugh until my sides hurt. Maybe it's actually funny, maybe I'm starting to go crazy like Jack in The Shining.

Steven Moffat: always and forever until the day I day. The day he took over Doctor Who was the best thing that ever happened in the history of forever. I love his brilliant mind....also, this (for the very ignorant people who say he's sexist):

Sherlock: You know I'll watch anything that Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss have a hand in, so it should come as no surprise that I love Sherlock (the BBC series). The first series ( or what we Americans call seasons) consisted of 3 90 minute long episodes and they are available on Netflix Instant, if you have it. The second series premiered on BBC One New Year's Day, and will be on PBS, for those of us in the states, beginning May 6th. I'm not quite sure how long this series will be, but one can hope it is longer than the 3 episodes of series one. The series stars Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes and Martin Freeman (who will be playing Bilbo Baggins in the upcoming The Hobbit) as Dr. John Watson. The two have a wonderful chemistry together and play off of each other in such a fun and dynamic way. The first season left me crying for more and I can not wait to dive back into this wonderful show.

♫...Dream until your dream comes true...♫

2012-01-05T18:19:00.002-06:00

Day 5: If you were living your dream life right now, what would it look like?

My 'dream' life is a lot less grandiose than it used to be when I was younger. If we're going to look at it in an unrealistic fashion, I would say traveling with The Doctor through time and space, however, we are going to look at it in a realistic fashion...for once.

To begin with, my dream life would find me supporting myself as a full-time writer. I'm not quite sure that my book can be classified as true 'Fantasy', it has a very supernatural (not the tv show) bent with a side of erotica. So we'll just say employed writing 'smut'. I would own a creole townhouse in New Orleans, which I would live in alone, with my 2 or 3 pets. It would be decorated in what my friend Fritz calls 'bordello chic'. I would get to travel to various parts of the world quite often....and Dean Winchester would be real and he would be my love muffin.

What do you mean that last bit isn't realistic?

♫...They call me 'hell'...♫

2012-01-04T16:42:00.002-06:00

Day 4: What is your entire name?

Okay, not really. I wish. River and I do have the same initials though...R.S.

My first name really is Ruby. It's on my birth certificate and everything. I was named after my biological father's sister, who was the only member of that family my mother could stand. So, I grew up with that side of the family calling me 'Little Ruby'...which was irritating. I didn't really like my name when I was in elementary school, but I began to grown into it in middle school and by the time high school rolled around I rocked that bitch. Meaning, I love it.

I don't use my last name on the internetz. I try to keep as much of my dignity intact as I can with perspective employers, so my blog/Twitter/Tumblr are all under my 'pen name' so that I can be myself...wait, what?

My 'pen name' is my real first name plus LeBeau. I chose LeBeau because I'm a great big, huge dork and I'm in love with Gambit from the X-men. Gambit's name is Rémy LeBeau. He was born in New Orleans, and he is devilishly charming, and yes OH MY GOD I'M THE BIGGEST DORK ALIVE AND I DO NOT CARE!

♫...She's got a bottle of tequila, a bottle of gin...♫

2012-01-03T19:41:00.001-06:00

Day 3: Do you ever wish you were someone else?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

Okay, seriously there was a time when I did wish that I was someone else. I'm about to bring the groove of this blog way down low, so prepare yourself.

I was once in a relationship that was horrifyingly bad. I'm not going to get into the details, as it's deeply personal and depressing. The point is, that when it was finally over I found that I was not the same person I had been prior to the relationship. My entire personality had changed. I went from being a vivacious, outgoing, wannabe actress to a withdrawn, constantly scared, shell of myself. I wanted to be someone else then. I wanted to be anyone else. So I set out to achieve that. I started college finally, but found that I could no longer be on stage in the state I was in, so I changed my major to one that I thought I could use to help others. I worked full-time and whet to school part-time, when I could. It took me a very long time to finish because of that...but during that time I slowly began to regain bits and pieces of myself a little at a time. I didn't get all of the pieces of my former self back, but I like to think that I got better pieces, stronger pieces. Now I feel as if I'm getting pretty damn near to the person I used to wish I was. All I have left to do is find a good job so that I can get back on my feet financially and move somewhere new...and it's only a matter of time until that happens.

Amendment: Admittedly, I do still have issues with 'relationships'.

♫...nothing gets these bitches going, not even gypsy kings...♫

2012-01-02T17:10:00.001-06:00

A song you can always relate to

Generally speaking, weddings suck. I hate how pompous and methodical and godawful boring they are. White dress, baby's breath, bridesmaids in horrid colors. Blah, blah, blah...just show me to the open bar. There are people who have fabulous, non-traditional, crazy weddings and I love it....and if I decide to get hitched one day, I want to make sure that my wedding is extremely non-traditional and more of a huge party...and looks like it was organized by Gogol Bordello...

Here it is again, live...because Gogol Bordello puts on THE BEST lives shows that I have EVER witnessed.

♫...I found a photograph of me...♫

2012-01-02T16:29:00.001-06:00

Day 2 - What do you look like? Post a picture.

I'm actually going to post 2 photos...taken on the same night...

Photo 1: This was taken NYE, just before I left for the evening. You have probably already read about my lame NYE, so you know that I didn't really go all out and dress up like I normally do...I just made myself fit to see my very conservative family...so this is my 'tame' look, I guess.

Photo 2: This photo was taken at 2am (NYE/New Year's Day). I had already washed all my makeup off (some eye makeup still lingered), and my hair was a mess...but I found my Marlene Dietrich t-shirt and put it on, so I was very happy.

♫...normally I'd be knee-deep in champagne...♫

2012-01-01T14:58:00.001-06:00

Day 1: How did you ring in the new year?

Honestly, my dear little minions, this New Year's Eve was the tamest (re: lamest) New Year's Eve that I've experienced since entering this strange era called 'adulthood'. Here's why, but don't worry, it has a happy ending...sort of:

Once Upon a Time...in a land called Kimberly, made of fire and brimstone, your badass Overlord walked out to her 1998 Chevy Lumina, on her much anticipated graduation day, and found the blue bane of her existence (it's given me nothing but trouble since the engine died 2 years ago and I had to have it replaced) was dead. It would not start, not even the expletive heavy dressing down she gave it would convince the damn thing to start.

Fast Forward 7 months and the thing is still sitting in the driveway, refusing to budge. Now, in this humid, festering hell of a land, public transportation is a foreign concept, and living so far away from even an inkling of civilization makes it hard to find gainful employment without some kind of vehicle. Therefore, your dear Overlord found herself broke, jobless, and without a means of transportation on New Year's Eve....and found herself spending the evening with her extended family. *cue scream*

There was an abundance of artery clogging fare to be had, and she did her best to enjoy it moderately, however, as the night progressed and she faced the crude conversations engaged in by her extended family, she found herself burying her misery in the wide assortment of pies. As the conversation wandered from the dog licking it's butt, to her grandfather yelling at everyone about stupid things, to their gas...your Overlord found her lifeforce beginning to wane...she was having to endure all of this completely sober, you see...as her family are teetotalers. Luckily, just as she was about to choke herself to death with her own scarf, the most miraculous thing happened! Her parents decided that it was time to depart, as they were afraid to leave the dear Leonard and Sheldon alone any longer with the earth shattering booms echoing around their house. So at the blessed chime of 10 o'clock, they prepared to leave and set out on their journey back to a less crude and crass environment.

Leonard and Sheldon were joyous at the return of your Overlord, her parents and siblings, and they did rejoice mightily. Soon the parents retired for the evening, and the siblings wandered off to their rooms, and your Overlord was free to ring in the new year by indulging in the activity she most enjoys above (almost) everything else: Watching Doctor Who. She had been saving the Christmas Special for this moment, and she sat watching it, laughing and crying as Doctor Who always engages her emotions. When the clock struck 12, she welcomed 2012 while happily in the embrace of the man of her dreams....the 11th Doctor. The End.

♫...You want a revelation Some kind of resolution...♫

2011-12-30T14:44:00.000-06:00

As I stated last year, with my own distinct brand of surly, I don't 'do' New Year's Resolutions. I think they are utter bullshit. To me, the concept of New Year's Resolutions seems hinged on two thought processes:

Thought 1: That the beginning of a new year suddenly signifies a fresh start, a time when you can easily put off the past and begin anew. Cold Hard Facts: Bullshit. All it signifies is the start of a new calendar year. In order to make significant changes in your life, you have to be ready, you have to be willing, and you have to work for it. It's not easy. You can't half-ass it, and you can't expect that a change in the date is suddenly going to make it easier if you're not fully committed to it. I know people who say EVERY January, "I start my new diet January 1st! This is the year I'm going to lose it all."...and you know what? They never do. They could have, but they didn't because they were not willing/ready to make the necessary changes. I have a quote somewhere that basically says that a person does not change until they are ready and willing to do what it takes to do so.
Thought 2: I need to change myself because I'm not good enough! Cold Hard Facts: Unless you are just a godawful monster who abuses people/animals and wants to destroy freedom and liberty, you are good enough. I can understand being unhealthy and needing to make a change in your life for the better, that's an entirely different matter.

In 2012, I'm going to continue to be a foul-mouthed heathen who abuses her liver and would rather have a weekend of naked playtime with Norman Reedus and Sean Patrick Flanery than have kids and a husband. I will continue to be surly, snarky and overtly sexual on the Internet. I will continue to spend way too much time on Tumblr and Twitter, and I will not regret a second of it. I will continue to prepare for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse (my brothers are currently OUT of my survival plan). I will bitch-slap (verbally or literally) anyone who suggests that I should change...and the next person who throws holy water on me is going to get punched in the mouth....

♫...It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand all year...♫

2011-12-23T18:16:00.000-06:00

Well, ladies and jellybeans, it's that time again. Time for me to wish you all a happy and joyous holiday season. Whatever you celebrate, I hope it is full of laughter, warm fuzzies, people who don't suck, merry making, good drinks, good friends, and over abundance of joy.

As for me, I'll be spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with the extended family. They are hardcore Southern Baptists, therefore, I will be sober and have to crank my personality down to 0. So, if you're the praying kind, you might want to send some my way. Everyone else, send warm fuzzy feelings my way. As there is no WiFi where I'm going, this is the last update until after Christmas. I'll still be on Twitter tonight and tomorrow morning if you start having withdrawals.

♫...My little crazy cat...♫

2011-12-22T16:09:00.001-06:00

My cat, Aslan, freaked the holy-sweet-baby-raptor-jesus-fuck out this morning. For a few solid, terrifying moments I thought he was either rabid or possessed with a particularly nasty kitty demon. I'm still not sure exactly what 'went down' prior to his exorcist like freak out, but here's what I know.

It all started with this godawful, annoying bird chirping an irritating, skull splitting chirp from hell. The damn thing woke me up a lot earlier than I would normally make myself roll out of bed. I had been sitting in bed for a few moments, considering hasting the feathered miscreant on his way to his next life, when I decided I'd better go get Aslan and bring him in (because it was suppose to storm). You see, Aslan refuses to let me sleep so he gets to spend the night out on the back porch when he decides to 'yowl' his little fool head off all night. Also, he doesn't have any front claws (not my decision), and he is the BIGGEST scardy cat on the planet...so he gets to wear a leash...a very, very long leash that lets him prowl as far as he wants to go.

Normally, he will be waiting on the back steps, glaring at me with "What the fuck took you so long?" eyes...but this morning I walked out the back door and found that his leash led under the back steps. I called him a few times and nada...which is not like him at all. I called him a few more times and he finally started crawling out from under the stairs and up on to the back porch. By this time, Leonard and Sheldon (who had been off barking at something like Freddy Krueger was trying to make his way into our back yard) came running up to us, sniffing at Aslan, like they always do. Aslan usually sniff back and sometimes they play around. Not this morning. No, the morning Aslan completely lost.his.mind.

All of a sudden, my big ball of ginger fur was hissing and spitting and growling like I had never seen him do before. His long body was hunched up and vibrating. I tried to keep a tight hold on him, not wanting him to leap off the porch and run off, but it was no use. I found myself holding on to his tail as he leaped forward, backwards, left, right, up, down, diagonally...while hissing and emitting the most spine chilling growl/scream/dark incantation that I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing. I was after a moment of watching this terrifying spectacle unfold that I realized, "OH MY GOD, I'M HOLDING MY CAT BY HIS TAIL!". I immediately let him go, and he ran under the barbecue grill. Still seething and hissing and being downright horrifying.

None of this phased the dogs, of course.

I was able to fetch him out from under the grill and scoop him up in my arms. I, along with Mum and the dogs, went inside, but I didn't make it beyond the door before he started vibrating in rage, and spitting and hissing and generally being quite cross again. Deciding it was best to get him away from the dogs, I took him to my room and gave him some food. He quit doing his Linda Blair impersonation, but kept looking at the door and acting nervous.

I've had Aslan for almost 6 years and I have never seen him act that way...and in those 6 years it has become easier for me to read his body language and understand what he's feeling. This left me baffled. Half an hour later, his ears were still back and his tail was twitch fiercely (which means: "Don't fuck with me right now"). An hour later, I let him and Sheldon come face to face to see what would happen...and they just sniffed and cuddled.

No idea what happened this morning. All I know is this:

Josh said that he heard a 'zombie cat' outside his bedroom window (opposite side of the house from Aslan) around 5am.
The dogs had been barking at something so fiercely (before I went to get Az) that when they came in they were out of breath and panting
Aslan went completely psycho

This would not be the first weird thing to go on in our backyard and I'm sure, whatever it was, won't be the last.

♫...Kiss me now, just kiss me now...♫

2011-12-22T15:02:00.000-06:00

"It’s a time-honored tradition at Navy homecomings – one lucky sailor is chosen to be first off the ship for the long-awaited kiss with a loved one.
Today, for the first time, the happily reunited couple was gay.
The dock landing ship Oak Hill has been gone for nearly three months, training with military allies in Central America.
As the homecoming drew near, the crew and ship’s family readiness group sold $1 raffle tickets for the first kiss. Petty Officer 2nd Class Marissa Gaeta bought 50 - which is actually fewer than many people buy, she said, so she was surprised Monday to find out she’d won.
Her girlfriend of two years, Petty Officer 3rd Class Citlalic Snell, was waiting when she crossed the brow.
They kissed. The crowd cheered. And with that, another vestige of the policy that forced gays to serve in secrecy vanished." <Corinne Reilly>

♫...Self-obsessed and sexxee all the way...♫

2011-12-21T16:45:00.002-06:00

This year I've lost 40 lbs. Losing weight tends to be a full-time job for me....mainly because I LOVE FOOD...and I refuse to deny myself the fleeting happiness of eating an entire chocolate cake. So earlier this week, I made a quip about venturing into the world of self-help by writing my own weight loss book for women in their 30s. As with anything I do, it escalated into a full on, whiskey soaked, list of possible chapters, all with the undeniably twisted flair that I'm known for.

Losing Weight the Ruby Way

(possible chapters)

Chapter 1: Lock anyone who hinders your progress, in ANY way, in the basement until your goal is reached.

Chapter 2: Calorie Counting + Exercise or "Will this Zumba class work off all those whiskey sours I just drank?"

Chapter 3: Huge Boobs and Exercise: How not to kill yourself or maim others.

Chapter 4: Zen and the art of not brutally murdering the person who brought home doughnuts and ice cream.

Chapter 5: How imagining kicking the guy who called you fat in the balls can be an excellent motivator.

Chapter 6: Your Exercise Playlist: All the songs you would never want ANYONE to know you listen to.

Chapter 7: Yoga: Your sex life will never be the same.

Chapter 8: Exercising + Sexual Fantasies: You're going to be breathing heavy anyway, so why not?

Chapter 9: An Exercise Bucket List: Mine has burlesque, strip aerobics, and pole dancing classes on it.

Appendix A: Nutritional Information for Alcoholic Beverages

Appendix B: Your weight and the coming Zombie Apocalypse: Why it matters

Appendix C: My contact information (Twitter, Tumblr, etc) So we can have drinks and bitch about our ups and downs.