I had to admit something to myself yesterday that I am not at all happy about.
I'm still angry at my ex.
I can give myself the benefit of saying that it's only been a few months since I found out for sure that he cheated on me and lied to me. However, I had had a gut feeling about it from the moment I knew he reconnected with her on Facebook (a year ago this month if I recall the night he hid our relationship correctly). I haven't really dealt with the anger that came with knowing I had been right all along.
Yesterday, I was at my grandmother's 76th birthday party (just down the street from where he lives) when his roommate/my friend sent me a message. He had a gift for me that he'd been holding onto for a few months (a tshirt for my favorite band, because he's just an insanely sweet person), and he wanted to meet me so that he could give it to me. I could have just driven a mile down the road, and picked it up at his house. However, he let me know right off that my ex was there, and said he knew I wouldn't want to come over. I just let him go on thinking that seeing the ex would bother me, and arranged to meet him halfway at a little grocery/gas station. When I came back, my mom asked me, "Why didn't you just go to his house? You look amazing, and seeing [insert ex's name here] wouldn't bother you, since you're so happy." I replied, without hesitation, "I didn't want to see [insert ex's name here]". That's when it hit me that I really did not want to see him. That's great in the 'I'm Over Him' department, but I had to take a minute and examine the reason behind the desire to not come face to face with him. It's not sadness. It's not regret. It's not hatred. It's anger. I joked that I didn't want to find out if I'm capable of hitting another person, and not wanting to go to jail...but I am angry at him.
Okay, great. I admit it, I'm angry. A+ for admitting that, right? Well, I don't want to be angry. I had convinced myself that I am completely indifferent to him. His cheating and lying is all on him, and I am over blaming myself and wallowing in the false assumption that I wasn't 'good enough'. I am good enough. I'm goddamn amazing, and there are plenty of people who see that. I'm having the time of my life, and I'm not lonely. I don't want this anger. He doesn't deserve any kind of emotion from me. Once upon a time, I gave him everything...and I had truly been willing to try to maintain our long friendship...until I had this proof was shoved in my face (brought to me by well meaning friends). Now, he has proven that he doesn't deserve anything from me.
So, work through the anger, right? I don't want to. I don't want to have to face it. It hurts. I just want it to go away. How can I do that...without punching him in the balls? If I was a better person, I'd try to work it out with him, and preserve some semblance of friendship. I'll gnaw my own hands off before I contact him. Besides, would telling him how angry I am help? Maybe...but what's the point, really? I think I'd rather just let it build up, and then take it out, sexually, on my lover (if he's still willing).
I'm just tired of letting my ex have any impact on my emotions. He didn't want me, and that's not my issue anymore. There are people who appreciate the things he never did, and I'm more than satisfied with them, and the way my life is going. What everyone told me for months after the breakup is true, I am much better off.