10 Things I Want From Santa
Here's my Goddamn Christmas List
1. A February 2017 Miracle: I understand this will be delayed, because that's what I'm asking for. It'll be like waiting on something that isn't coming via Amazon Prime. I'm buying a house after February 15th. I want to suddenly find the most perfect little house, with a fenced in back yard, in the area of town that I spend all my time in.
2. Spending More Time On That Good Stuff: ...and by 'good stuff' I mean, OH MY GOD,
3. World Peace: All you motherfuckers need to calm the fuck down, drink some whiskey and leave everyone the goddamn hell alone. I live on this fucking planet, and goddamn it I can barely survive if I'm mildly inconvenienced...how am I supposed to live if you fuckers turn this into some kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland? I'm not as young and nubile as I used to be. I can't rely on prostitution to live...and that's really my only useful skill set.
4. Calorieless Pizza That Tastes Like The Real Thing: Seriously now. It's almost 2017. Why does food still have calories? Everything should be created so that no animals are harmed, and nothing has calories. GET ON THAT.
5. Boob job: I'm 37, y'all. While some people are quite enamored with my ta-tas, I'd like them lifted a little. I'm not asking to look 18 again...but these suckers are huge as hell, and I'd appreciate gravity not being such a goddamn bitch.
6. Whiskey: All the whiskey. I'm going to horde it. I have a feeling that a goddamn apocalypse is about to start, and since I'm unlikely to survive for a myriad of reasons, I want to go out as drunk as humanly possible, on my favorite liquor.
7. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: The procedure from the movie rather. While I have completely gotten over certain situations, I would much rather completely forget some people exist at all.
8. Ranch: To be precise, a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch that is always full. No matter how often I use it (and I will use it a fuckton) it will always be full...never empty...and it will shock the holy-ever-loving-hell out of anyone who touches it without permission.
9. Disney Princess Vibes: I want all the animals to love me. Cats, dogs, goats, chickens, squirrels, wolves, monkeys, freakin' goddamn ladybugs...ALL.THE.ANIMALS.
10. Full Stop: No more periods. I can't have kids...and I don't want to deal with the mess when I'm having my lady cave filled to the brim with the most goddamn perfect penis I've ever encountered. So, just fucking stop with the crimson tide, Mother Nature...and let a ho be a ho...ho.