Wednesday, December 7, 2016

♫...For all the pain it's a goodbye...♫




Ah, 2016, you heartless, ungrateful, goddamn she beast from the lowest level of HELL. I'm so glad you're almost over.

If you've read through this blog, or been around for years (1st of all, I'm sorry) you know I don't believe in this 'new year, new me' bullshit. New Years does not automatically flip a switch and change everything. I'm ready to forget 95% of 2016 though...and I'm sure a whole fuckton of other people are too. 2016 has kicked the ever loving hell out of a lot of us.

From a personal level, this year has been eyeopening and heartbreaking and transformative. There is very little left of the woman I was when I rang in the new year. I'll be honest with you, New Year's Eve/Day was not happy for me. I let someone suck all the fun out of it, and continue that pattern for five more months. Letting it go on, and not ending it myself (before 2016 even happened) is one of my biggest regrets of the year.

I've learned quite a few things the hard way this year:

  • You can't always trust the person you want to trust most in the world.
  • You can open up to someone and share your darkest fears/past hurts with them, they can promise a million times that they will never do that to you, and then turn around and do every single thing they promised not to do.
  • Sometimes love is not enough.
  • People who abandon you at your lowest are not your friends. They should be regulated to the 'acquaintance' section, or removed from your life completely. 
  • Relationships are a roller coaster ride through hell if you're the only one putting forth any effort. 
  • Sometimes you're much better off without the one thing/person you thought you couldn't live without.
  • I'm capable of surviving things I thought would break me, and I come out of it a better person. I don't let my heartbreaks/disappointments make into less compassionate person. I sure as hell don't let them ruin the rest of my life.
  • Falling in love and being with someone who loves me would be nice...but it's not my only desire. I'm not going to pin all my happiness on it, and I'm not going to spend all my waking time thinking about/desiring it. It'll happen when it happens. Until then, I'm having fun.
  • Being on my own, doing whatever the hell I want, with whomever the hell I want is fun. A whole lot more fun than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't treat me right.
  • I'm a badass. I'm hot. I create my own happiness. 
  • Just be who you are, and to hell with the people who have a problem with it. 

I'm not the woman I started the year as, but that's okay. You can go through your own personal hell and either let the flames destroy you, or like the phoenix, you can be reborn. I chose the latter. If you haven't been a part of my life over the last few months, you don't know me anymore.
Yes, I lost the person I thought was my best friend, and the love of my life. Yes, I had some horrible things done to me and said to me. Yes, I had my trust and my faith in love completely destroyed. However, I found out who my true friends are, I made some amazing new friends, and I became closer to some other friends. I've had some amazing experiences on my own and with others. I've embraced who I am, flaws and all...and I think I'm sexy as fuck even with my belly pooch. Just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm lonely. The best thing of all is that I'M BUYING A HOUSE! I just this morning turned in the final piece of paperwork needed to finish my mortgage pre-approval! I'm buying a house all on my own. It will be mine. All mine (well, mine and the bank's).  I make the rules!!! Yes, I'll be too broke to go out for a while, but this is a huge thing for me...one that's been in the works for a long ass time. So, while 2016 has been a complete pain in the ass it has had things about it that have led me to a point of seeing positive changes begin to happen.

In conclusion (haha, feel like I'm back in college writing research papers), 2016 I'm not going to be sad to see you go. However, I am thankful for the lessons you've taught me...even though they hurt like a motherfucker at the time.

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