Monday, September 12, 2016

♫...We're reckless with no apologies...♫

Found on the internetz

I've spent the majority of my 36 (almost 37) years feeling 'less than'. Feeling like I'm not enough: not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not outgoing enough, not talented enough, not good enough.
That bullshit is over.

I've spent the last 3 months rebuilding every aspect of who I am, most especially my self-esteem/confidence. The meek little mouse that struggled for decades with self-destructive thinking, caring what others thought of her, and fearing abandonment is gone. I like me. I'm proud of all of the hard work I put in to lose weight. I'm ecstatic that I'm buying my own home after years of struggling to get to this point. I'm all I need.

The problem resides in the fact that some people have a problem with that. Some people miss that little mouse they could push around. Other people want me to be proud of my achievements, proud of the way I look...but quiet about it. Posting photos of myself when I think I look particularly good is apparently something to be mocked, ridiculed, and asking for unwanted attention. 
Let me be absolutely fucking clear: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

For the first time in my life, I like my body. Is it perfect? Hell, fucking no...but I think it's pretty awesome. I feel good about myself. If I think I look pretty, I'm going to take a photo...and I'm going to fucking share it with the damn world. 

For the first time in my life, I know my worth. I'm goddamn magical. You can either get on board with this, or leave. If I need time to myself, I take it. If I don't want to do something, I don't. If someone is flooding my life with massive amounts of negativity and constantly bringing me down...I remove them. I put a lot of time and energy into the people I love, but I've also had a problem with always putting them and their needs first. I can't and will not do this anymore. This is my life, and no one is responsible for my happiness except me. 

For the first time in my life, I'm a confident woman. I make my own decisions (good or bad, whatever), and I don't worry about others judging me. I know I'm not a hot 20-something year old, but at 36 I think I've never looked better. I wear whatever I like, I eat what I like, I go where I like, I post what I like, I talk to whoever the fuck I like. If you have a problem with any of this, exit stage left.

I'm not going to conform to some cookie cutter mold of what others think I should be...I'm not going to bow to the opinions of how others think I should live my life...I'm not going to constantly put the needs of others so far ahead of my own. 

I like who I am, and I'm not going to apologize for that. The woman I have fought to become is finally at a point where she can take care of herself in every conceivable way.  You can call me arrogant or conceited, that's fine. I think everyone has the potential to be arrogant or conceited about something, and I'm no exception. I'm just done caring about the judgement of others. I'm over feeling bad about doing what is necessary to take care of me. I'm through apologizing for thinking I look good. This is the New Ruby Order, and you can either like it or leave it. 

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