Thursday, September 8, 2016

♫...I'm not hopeless, helpless, or begging you to stay It's just turning out that way...♫

There's a quote that says something to the effect of 'take what hurts, and write about it'.
My mother, on the other hand, says 'take what hurts, and don't think about it'.
Well, mom, I wish it was that easy for us mere mortals.
I can put on good act when talking to/hanging out with friends, family...even him. The truth is, that pain is still near constant. The thoughts still plague.
A good analogy would be, imagine what it feels like to step on a lego. It hurts like a motherfucker. That kind of pain is what I feel in my heart every time I remember the things I was told at the moment of breakup. It's what I feel in my chest when I remember that I know what went on for months preceding the breakup. It's the kind of pain that knocks me to my knees when I think about how very much in love I was, how I wanted to spend the rest of my days with him, and how it's all just gone now. My heart mourns that loss...and no amount of platitudes along the lines of 'You deserve better', 'He did you a favor', or 'You dodged a bullet' can ease that.
My heart hurts. You can't just 'shake it off' or 'get over it'. If I could, I definitely 100%  would. All I can do it take one day at a time. Enjoy the good days when I can manage to occupy my time and thoughts completely with other things. Muddle through the bad days with as much grace as possible.
I am honestly trying, and doing the best I can.

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