I have been writing and deleting...or writing, posting, and then deleting...things for almost a week now. I've been so full of rage, hurt, suspicion, disgust, and sadness that I've wanted to say things that would destroy and inflict pain. That's not the kind of person I am though. The kind of person I am loves, encourages, and protects others. I can't let the things that are done to me, the lies I'm told, and the truth I now see/know turn me into someone else. The wounds that have been inflicted on me are deep and painful...and every time they start to heal they are ripped wide open. I refuse to become my pain and sadness though. I deserve to be happy...and I will be. I will be so goddamn happy that just looking at me makes you smile.
In a few days, I'm going to the beach for the first time in decades. I am going to let the sun and the sand and the ocean work its magic on me. I am going to relax and rest and take care of myself (body and soul). I'm going to forget and let go...for me, and me alone. I'm going to remember the kind, loving, funny, intelligent, vibrant, empathetic, joyful woman that I am. I am going to let her come back to life and take control...but still remember the things that I have learned, so that she is able to say, 'No! I deserve so much better, so much more than this!' next time.
My life is getting better every day. I have so much to look forward to in my very near future. I've struggled long and hard to be financially independent. I've had people make fun of me and look down on me for having to move back in with my parents, and here I am finally at the moment where I am looking for my own home. I have a job I love after spending years at a place that made me sad and miserable. I have a body that I don't 100% hate after working my ass off dieting and exercising for years! I have amazing, supportive friends and family who have been so wonderful, understanding, and tolerant while I've worked through things. I'm done letting the bad/painful part of my life overshadow all the great things I have, and all the exciting things I have coming. I am done letting it destroy who I am, and eat away at my happiness. I gave my whole heart, my soul, my unquestioning trust, my friendship, my unwavering loyalty to the wrong person. I'll know better next time.
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