Monday, August 1, 2016

♫...you can build a wall to shut me out if you so choose...♫



After feeling emotionally ambivalent for a good while, I woke up this morning feeling all the feels.
I'm not a fan. I hate it. I want all the feels to die. Horribly. Screaming for mercy...and find none as I laugh maniacally.

Things are going great for me. I have a great job. I look pretty dang good. I'm very close to being able to buy my own home. I have amazing friends who keep introducing me to more amazing people around town. I have some great people that would love to take me out on actual dates...and treat me like I'm this awesome, super fabulous catch that they would be proud to be seen with. Things don't suck. There are people who'd like to be me. They are obviously crazy people...but still.

Emotions are what suck. This process of trying to completely let go sucks. People pushing me to be ready to move on sucks. Not being ready to move on sucks. Still caring sucks. All these thoughts and feelings that I've been pushing down and ignoring suck.

Typically I'm of the camp that you should feel your feelings, good and bad, get them out and deal with them. Don't bottle them up. Rage and cry and punch pillows if you have to. However, over the last few months, letting myself feel anything that is raging inside of me tends to lead me down a path of self-destruction. For example, all I want to do right now is tell my coworkers to stop talking to me, leave work, and day drink...all day. Maybe find someone to drink whiskey out of my cleavage. I don't know.

I know that once I get to the point where I have moved on and completely let go...none of this will bother me anymore. I won't care at all. Once I'm done, I'm done. It's getting to that point that's the real bitch. It's convincing myself that I want and need to get to that point that takes so goddamn long. What worries me is that I don't see even a pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel.

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