I'm having a bitch of a time with my emotions today. Last night I was plagued by dreams that were more adaptations of my memories. My brain thought it would be a good idea to take my memories, and add extremely painful things to them. Needless to say, my brain is a bitch, and can go fuck itself. We're not speaking at the moment.
I'm supposed to be taking steps to move on, but I've cancelled all such plans for the time being. I don't feel like going out, making small talk...putting on a facade where I pretend to be charming and carefree. Well, I AM charming...but I don't feel like directing it toward a would-be suitor. It's not that I'm still in a very dark place, I have gotten better. It just hasn't been long enough to completely let go yet. The quote that comes to mind is from my favorite 'comfort' movie, Sweet Home Alabama. The main character is about to marry a very charming man who seems perfect in every way, but she tells him "The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back". Now, while she goes on to a happy ending with the guy who holds her heart...I don't have that option. The thing you have to understand though, is that I have to get it back completely before I can give it to someone else...and it's not fair to anyone if I don't do that first. After everything, I still love my ex...and until I stop, I need others to realize that my not being interested in dating them (well, some of them anyway) has absolutely nothing at all to do with them. My heart needs time to let go.