Monday, August 29, 2016

♫...I know that I have come and gone, but I can't keep pulling myself away...♫

Too many guys have unrealistic expectations of who I am.
What they are expecting to find when they meet me apparently does not live up to the idea of what they think I am/who I should be/what they've heard.

I am not stick thin. I am not a perfect little pin up doll. I am not some nerdy, manic pixie dream girl that is going to make your life instantly more exciting. I am not just going to sit and smile at your bad behavior.
I am usually disheveled. I have my own emotional baggage. I will always be a little more punk rock than a lot of guys are attracted to. I have a mind and a will of my own, and I have absolutely no problem putting you in your place if you're out of line.
I'm not here to live up to your expectations.
I don't have to conform to what you think is attractive just to please you.
I am just fine sending you on your way.
I don't need you.
I am all I need.

The thing is, I thought I had found my person. I honestly thought I was done with all of this dating bullshit. Our relationship wasn't perfect, no relationship is...and people are fond of telling me that I deserve better. It's bullshit. I was happy with him. Yes, there were times when I wanted to walk away and be done with it...it was hard...but to me, what we had was worth fighting for. I would have rather had a lifetime of fighting through the hard times together, than be without him. He, I thought, accepted me the way I am. I didn't ever feel like he wanted me to be a fake, plastic, perfect doll without a thought in my head. He liked it when I got smart with him, and we had amazing conversations on all kinds of topics. I could actually talk to him...for hours. I could be myself 100% with him. My true messy, sarcastic, nerdy, stars-in-her-eyes-in-love, goofy self. And I honestly loved him as-is...every damaged piece of him (You can read just how much in this little post). I would have gone right on loving him, and fighting for him, for us, every day of my life if he hadn't walked away. The truth is, I still love him. I still miss him. Every time something happens in my life, or I see something that excites me, he's still the first person I want to tell. But I can't...and it hurts worse than anything I've ever felt before.

I know I'm going to feel this way until someone new comes into my life who accepts me the way I am. Someone who doesn't see me as lacking in one way or another. Someone who appreciates my nerdy brain and smart mouth. Someone I feel comfortable and safe with. Someone who turns on my body and my brain with an insatiable desire.
Once that happens, I'll let go completely...forever.
I'm just not sure if I'm going to survive this dating-bullshit-nightmare-from-hell in order to get to that point.
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