Monday, July 18, 2016

♫...This is therapy for me a mission that my heart is on...♫

I lied, I am boring, and I am going to talk about it again...

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The official two month post-breakup status report:

As of 3am this morning, it's been 8 weeks.
I think I'm doing better. There are only a rare few days when I tear up at the thought of him.
I still miss him, mainly our talks/laughs...but I don't think about it very often anymore. Normally only when I see something that we would  have had a great conversation about...because we are both huge dorks over certain things.
There are days when I still morn the loss of us...of everything we could have been. However, I'm beginning to see that we weren't all that I thought we were. That I was probably alone in how special I thought our relationship was.
I see the cracks, the flaws, the truths I didn't want to believe were real.
People continually tell me things that I say I wish I had known sooner...but in all honesty, I wouldn't have listened. My heart was too invested.
I can admit that I was willfully blind.

I'm not afraid of being alone. I never have been. I've spent too much time on my own to ever fear that.
I am afraid of myself. Afraid of trusting the wrong person. Afraid of getting involved with someone that I inadvertently hurt because I can't trust...or I can't open myself up to them...or I keep them at arms length. I'd rather be alone than hurt anyone the way I've been hurt.
I'm afraid of taking too long to sort myself out, and missing something that's actually good for me.
I'm afraid I'll never get myself sorted out.
I admit that I'm fucked up...and I'm afraid it might be beyond repair.

I still love him. You can't give another person that much of yourself and not. Maybe I always will to some extent.
I don't hate him. Hating someone takes too much energy, and I just don't have it in me.
I think I forgive him.
I do want him to be happy.

I just want to spend every day after today not giving it any room in my thoughts.
I want to continue doing things that make me happy, with people who make me happy.
I'm still learning that it's okay to make MY happiness a priority, and that it's perfectly acceptable to set boundaries.

I am a different person than I was a year ago.
I'm a different person than I was in May, than I was in June, and in August I'll be different than how I am now. I've grown in so many ways, good and bad.
I'll never be that girl again...and part of me is sad about that.

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