Monday, July 25, 2016

♫...Ruby, don't go waiting on your wishing...♫



I've gone through quite a metamorphosis in the last few months. Mentally, emotionally and physically. It's been sort of like being a naive, sweet, trusting caterpillar turning into badass, brutally honest, IDGAF butterfly. I'm not saying all the changes have been positive, but fuck...it's called survival.





Let's cover the fun part first: PHYSICAL CHANGES!


Here I am a few months and a few weeks pre-nuclear bomb exploding all over my life

 

I look old and tired. I'd gained weight...and everyone keeps telling me that I was miserable (I didn't see that I was miserable, but I guess they saw what I didn't).

Here I am the day before:
 




Yes. Clearly miserable.

A few days after...then a week after:

 


You can already start to see changes. I'd dropped some weight...and bleached the holy loving FUCK out of my hair...turning it into a lovely shade of baby pink the day before I started working for my dad. Still look miserable...and I WAS. This was me vividly aware of how miserable I am. See the dead eyes. I was also spending more time out on the town than sleeping.


Here I am about a month in, and exhausted beyond all recognition. The hair is finally blonde, and I hadn't been home in days up to this moment. I wasn't exercising. I was going out to all the restaurants around town that I had always wanted to eat at...and eating whatever the hell I wanted...drinking whatever the hell I wanted.

That brings us to present:

 


Started exercising again. Started eating what I want in moderation. Cut the dead/damaged ends off my hair. CHECK OUT MY ASS! There's a joke in my family that all the women on my mother's side are cursed with flat asses...well, say hello to the effects of squats. 

Now, the less fun parts...

Emotionally:

Fuck you. I'm dead inside. Most days I'm an emotional zombie...and it's completely on purpose. The empath who used to care about everyone and every thing so deeply is smothered in enough medication and booze to make her comfortably numb most of the time. If I can make it through a whole day maintaining that emotional void, I consider it a success. 

**EDIT: Apparently I do still care about something. The one thing I need to NOT care about.**

Mentally:

God, I don't even know. I'm learning to be selfish for the first time in my life...in that I take care of myself first. I'm so used to taking care of other people before I even think about looking after myself, so this is a whole new experience for me. I do what I want, and fuck anyone else's opinion. I used to be so worried about upsetting others...now, you don't like a decision I've made?...well, that's fine, but I'm going to do it any damn way. My life, my rules. People who don't respect my boundaries are cut off. I don't put up with that bullshit anymore. 


As I said, there are good and bad changes. I still take care of my friends and family...but as far as my own life, I'm going to do what I want to do regardless of their well meaning opinions. 








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