Wednesday, July 13, 2016

♫...It's never easy to understand why memories hold our hand, but people let go...♫

Listen, I'm a majestic, magical motherfucking unicorn...and even though I know this, even though I KNOW that I'm goddamn awesome, and sorta okay looking...moving on is still a sonofabitch.

It feels like such an insurmountable task when you loved someone with every particle of your being. The process is sort of like teaching every single cell in your body to let go, and stop loving this person. Sorta feels like killing off every speck of stardust that makes you, you. I miss him less and less each day, but the hurt still stays with me.
I'm sick of it.
I want to be a supernova.
I want to explode, blind everyone with the brilliant destruction of my lost love, and get it over with.
I don't want even a speck of me to still love him...even though I know that will never happen.

A huge part of me doesn't even want to bother anymore. Why would I want to put myself back out there, just to probably be hurt again? I've never had good luck in the relationship department. It seems like one catastrophe after another, this last one being the absolute goddamn worst because I thought it was FINALLY my forever. Why trust anyone after that? Why give someone my heart again? WHY.FUCKING.BOTHER?!?! I'm tired of patching my battered, shattered, broken, bruised, abandoned heart back together. What makes it almost laughable is that I don't give it away often...very rarely do I hand it over to someone else. Every time I have, they've treated it like it's an inconsequential thing. I had no intention of giving it away again, but I made myself believe that he could be trusted with it...that he would cherish it. I was wrong...and I can't afford to be that wrong ever again.

How is anyone supposed to just 'move on' after that?
Maybe I'm the type of star that has a slightly different kind of supernova explosion...and turns in to a black hole.

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