Friday, July 1, 2016

♫...I believe in desperate acts. The kind that make me look stupid...♫

   I know I've gotten all 'self-help-positive-thinking-kumbaya-mantra-mantra-mantra' lately...but screw you, it's nice feeling like I'm Princess Leia on speed...

Thank you, Tumblr...

   My universe loving hippie of a mother has been beating me over the head with 'the power of positive thinking' for years. For the most part, all of her endless droning about changing the way I think has only made me roll my eyes, and start looking for distant nursing homes to stash her in (not really...okay, I've THOUGHT about it). I think the moment that it all started working for me was when I was hit with the sudden, blinding realization that I can just sit back and bask in the amazing feeling of not giving a single fuck about certain things.

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   After a few nights of laying on the bathroom floor, crying and hating myself for having just thrown up half a bottle of Old Crow (that I drank on an empty numb the feeeeelz), I decided that enough was enough. Nothing was worth me destroying myself over. Do I continue to wallow in misery, or do I just decide that I really don't care? I chose me. I chose to change my thoughts. Don't you dare fucking tell my mother, or I swear to all that is unholy I will show you your own heart before I shove it in your big, fat mouth. No, it's not always easy, but I've learned to love me, and I will fight for my happiness. I DESERVE HAPPINESS...and I'm the person in charge of that happiness. Nothing that eats away at my happiness is tolerated.

   I used to agonize over things, and let absolute bullshit upset me. Not anymore. Someone doesn't like me? Meh. Their loss. Someone thinks something I'm wearing is not attractive? Zero fucks given. Someone tells me my filthy mouth is unappealing? That's just, like, your opinion, man. I get up every morning and tell myself that I'm a stunning, funny, badass, beacon of love, light and joy that cannot be dimmed by any mere mortal. Most days it's a 'fake it till you make it' type of thing...but goddamn it, it works. I'm sure the caffeine + 5-htp helps as well. Whatever works, man. Whatever works. 

   In no way am  I saying that this is easy, or that it's for everyone. I'm just saying that it works for me. As a neurochemistry/neuropsychology geek I've also tried having my prefrontal cortex tell my amygdala to calm the fuck down. So, we can all agree that I'm probably much like Alice (in Wonderland), and living in a world of my own 99% of the time. Don't knock it. It's nice here. 


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