Tuesday, July 12, 2016

♫...I am a portrait of serenity and desperate need...♫

Now that I'm single again, it's time to blow the dust off of my virtually nonexistent flirting abilities. In all honesty, I have no idea how to flirt the way most girls do. When I would try to flirt with my ex it was normally just me trying to make everything sound dirty...and you wonder why he left me. So, here's



My Flirting Techniques
aka PLEASE MAKE HER STOP,
SHE'S FREAKING ME OUT!

1. I will stare at you from across a crowded room: I'm not even making this up. If I have a crush on someone, and we're in the same building, I will probably spend a lot of time just looking at you. Not so much that it's EXTREMELY creepy (just slightly creepy), just spurts of 'OH MY GOD, YOU'RE SO ATTRACTIVE, I MUST GAZE UPON YOUR VISAGE' hoping you'll notice me. 

2. Liking: I'll like your stuff on all social media. Like, ALL your stuff. Every single thing you post, I'll probably 'like' it. This gets kind of confusing because I do this to people I consider friends as well. Good luck figuring that one out. 

3. Disney Princess Mode: I will turn my freakishly GINORMOUS eyes on you (in a Puss N Boots kind of way), smile shyly (like a pure, untouched, magical creature), look away (coy) and then back into your eyes (BAM).

4. Filthy Mind: I will pummel you into unconsciousness with sexual innuendo once I get to know you fairly well. 

5. Boobs: I'm not above wearing a low cut shirt, and thrusting the girls in your direction. 

6. Jedi Mind Trick: Okay, not really the Jedi Mind Trick, since I don't say anything at all. I will sit and think really hard about you coming to talk to me. So far, I've had limited (re: none whatsoever) success with this.

7. Smile: A lot. Like, a whole lot. A scary amount of smiling. At you. Only you. 

8. Texts: I will text you back immediately. No hesitation. I'll double text if I have too, IDGAF...unless I physically can't...and there will be an overuse of emojis. Lots of emojis. Again, this is also something I do with my friends, so good luck figuring out that one as well.

9. Touch: I'll probably try to touch you in some form or fashion. I'm very touchy-feely, and if you aren't it's not going to work...because I'm always going to want to touch and be touched by someone I really, truly like. If I don't want to be with you, keep your goddamn hands off of me, but if I like you...roam freely!

10. Make stupid jokes: This is my main thing, because some weird part of my delusional brain thinks I'm funny. So I'm going to try my damndest to make you laugh. It will be cheesy. It will be slightly risqué at times. It can be self deprecating. Sometimes it will actually be amusing. I also do this with people I am just friends with....so, if you're trying to figure out if we're friends or I'm flirting...may the odds be ever in your favor, you poor bastard.

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