Thursday, July 14, 2016
♫...A Saturday night apocalypse...♫
My parents are pretty level headed people. They accepted that my spike wearing, pink hair dying, punk music loving personality was much more than a phase with grace and very little resistance. It takes a lot to get them worked up, and nothing really phases them at this point. I mean, my mom is a Power-Of-The-Universe-Positive-Thinking-Wanna-Be-Farmer-DIY-Hippie who spends all day gardening, and my dad is basically a country boy who would spend all of his time in the woods trying to shoot poor, defenseless animals (and failing) if he didn't have a business to run. What I'm trying to say is, they rarely go off the deep end with anything. Until recently...
I've been noticing a lot of 'interesting' magazines popping up all over the house lately. Now, for 4 years, my job involved creating bids and quotes for different places ordering magazines and online databases, so I have developed an aversion to magazines altogether. This is why it took me a while to fully realize that my parents have an overabundance of survival/prepper/OH MY GOD THE APOCALYPSE!!!! type magazines lying around. To be honest with you, I didn't really notice them until after the parentals came back from a trip to the Smokey Mountains with a present for me. A present that I was told will go in a 'Bug-Out-Bag' they are putting together. My present is a huge ass knife. Let me say that again, my parents bought ME (the clumsiest person on the apparently about to descend into chaos planet) a HUGE.ASS.KNIFE. My tiny 5 foot hobbit of a mother also informed me that she and my father would like me to join them for an hour or so every Saturday to learn 'survival skills'. Skills that will apparently involve learning how to not die horribly in the wilderness/Mad Max type world to come...and firearms (not gonna happen). My brain did this painful thing where it grinds to a complete halt, and the world feels like it's being shaken like a snow globe. It was then that I noticed the magazines...all boasting of articles such as 'What to do when the grid goes down'. Then came the Apocabox. A subscription based survival box. It apparently comes with tools and instructions...and edible bugs. My mom has also spent weeks canning things. The kitchen and pantry are crammed full of mason jars containing all kinds of vegetable and fruit concoctions.
I really don't know what led my parents down this road. When asked why they felt the need to start getting ready for the end of the world as we know it, I was told they were preparing for the inevitable day when 'the grid goes down'.
My response to that was, "If an Apocalypse happens, I am just going to surrender, and accept sweet death's embrace". Especially if zombies are involved. There will be zombies.
I may shut the power off at the house one day just to see what happens...
Oh..by the way, don't worry...because of the all-consuming-rage I've had lately, I'm not allowed to take possession of my big ass knife...yet.
Posted by Whiskey Sour at Thursday, July 14, 2016