Monday, June 20, 2016

♫...like the sun I can burn through the day...♫

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I think this is rock bottom for me. The breakup happened 4 weeks ago this morning, and last night I binge drank myself into a heaving, sobbing mess. This has to stop. Yes, the breakup has been brutal and I've never felt more hurt/broken in my entire life...but this isn't helping. It's time to stop wallowing in the misery, clear away all the crap, and rebuild. 

Now, how do I do that?
It's easy to say 'I'm going to put my life back together', but after surveying the wreckage it can feel like finding a way to rebuild is impossible. Especially if you feel like you've been left with nothing. I feel like every bit of who I was has been burned to the ground, and all that's left is ash and scorched earth. The things that once made me happy seem lackluster. None of my talents seem good enough anymore. Nothing seems to fill me with that all consuming joy that used to rush through me when thinking of/talking about the things I love. I haven't felt that in over a year, really. In fact, I didn't realize I'd been losing parts of myself throughout the last 365 days until my entire world was decimated. My world feels like a vast wasteland; a howling, black void where the only thing I can feel is pain, and I'm covered in the embers and ash of what was my life and all of my dreams of the future I wanted. 

It seems cliche to reference a phoenix rising from the ashes...a beautiful being born from destruction. It's what I want though. I don't really want to rebuild what I was before. I want to take this completely destroyed corpse of my life, and blow the ashes to the wind. Let it disappear completely, and become something new. Let the girl who lost herself completely inside a relationship die, never to be seen again. I want to burn brighter than a wildfire and soar over these remains...never to look back again.

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