Wednesday, June 15, 2016

♫...It's a temporary pill, for the hole she'll never fill...♫

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I said in yesterday's post that easy days were not guaranteed even after you find a good place in which to start moving on after heartbreak. Today I am sad. Devastatingly sad. I am choking back sobs, fighting to maintain an air of professionalism at work. All I want to do is run dramatically out into the rain, and scream at the gods for forsaking me...and hopefully be struck by lightening for my insolence.

There are days, like yesterday, when the aching misery of missing him doesn't engulf me. I can admit that I wasn't as deliriously happy as I thought I was over the last year. I can start to plan a new future for myself. Then days like today happen, and whether it's really the dreary weather, the lack of sleep from my reenactment of the exorcist pea soup scene all night last night, my period, or me really missing him doesn't matter. Today hurts, and I can't find a way out of the black hole of sadness.

So, we're back to the 'what can I do to make the pain stop?' question today. A bottle of Jameson and sleep would be my very unhealthy, irresponsible answer if I didn't have to be at work for another 7 1/2 hours. Most people who don't understand depression will try to offer well meaning advice like 'You need to just shake it off and let it go'. Oh, thank you! I hadn't thought of that...DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD IF I BLOODY DAMN WELL COULD, YOU GIT? My hippy-dippy-secret-loving-kumbaya-the-universe-law-of-attraction-positive-vibes mother is constantly telling me to change my thoughts, to only think positive things and that will attract positivity and happy things into my life. I'm going to put her in a nursing home one day if she doesn't shut up. Hating him isn't going to help. I'm sure I could list numerous reasons why I should...but I just don't want to anymore. Yes, it felt better than missing him...but I have to forgive him for hurting me...I have to forgive myself for being so blindly in love. I don't have it in me to hate him anyway.

I don't go to people for advice. I go to the people I consider my friends to talk about what's running through my head, driving me insane, and wanting them to tell me that I'm not crazy, or worthless, or incapable of being loved. That's it. As a good friend, who knows me well, said: I can listen to all the advice in the world, but I'm going to do what I want anyway. That's the 100% truth. You can tell me all day long what you think I should do, but I'm going to do things my way, in my time (& irritate a couple of people when I don't do what they think I should). What I want is to be told it's all going to be okay. That I am going to be loved one day. That there will be good days and bad days, and on the bad days I have a shoulder to cry on. Days like today, I just want to shut everyone out because I feel so lonely, and like I'm a burden. He was my best friend, the one I confided in more than anyone, and it's devastating to lose that...but, in all honesty, I felt like I was a burden to him too.

Depression, anxiety, PTSD, it's all a bitch and makes your head a dark, scary place sometimes. I've learned how to manage mine pretty good over the years, but in circumstances like these it's hard to remember how to deal with it. Like I said, good days and bad days. Today just happens to be one of the bad. It doesn't mean it will last. I, and anyone else struggling, just have to push through as best as we can...and hope tomorrow is a good day.

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