Now that I find myself alone again, I don't feel that same contentment in my solitude. I miss the companionship, the intimacy, the affection, the silly little jokes. I miss simply sitting all night listening to music/talking/laughing. I miss falling asleep with a hand on my hip, and snoring loud enough to wake the dead in my ear. I miss feeling like I was part of something special...even if I was blind in that belief. Being on my own feels alien. My entire life feels alien to me now. I don't feel 'right' on my own anymore. There are still days when he is the only person on the planet I want to talk to.
I refuse to jump head first back into dating. I lost something precious to me, and not just anything is going to be able to live up to that in my heart. Maybe giving myself time will dull it, and show me all the flaws. Still, even if that happens, I won't ever date someone just to not be alone. My big, squishy, patchwork heart loves too deeply, too completely when it finally decides to. I waited 10+ years to give it away this last time...and as much as I hate being so goddamn lonely now, I will not let anyone else have it again until 1. I've put it back together 2. I feel like someone can be trusted not to take it for granted or be careless with it.