Monday, June 27, 2016

♫...It makes no difference what I have I'm by myself...♫

  Those of you who have stuck with me over the years, and read this blog back when it was actually somewhere vaguely near quality writing, know that prior to my recent ex I had not been in a committed relationship for a little over 10 years. I had started dating again, sporadically, the year or so leading up...but nothing where my heart was committed. I had gotten used to being on my own, and I was satisfied to stay that way until I met someone who I thought was 100% worth committing all of myself to. When I committed myself to this person, I did so completely. I gave my entire heart and trust without reservation, dropped all of my walls for the first time in my life...because I really, honestly thought he was it for me. Two peas in a pod. Through good times and bad. Nothing we couldn't get though together. Forever.

  Now that I find myself alone again, I don't feel that same contentment in my solitude. I miss the companionship, the intimacy, the affection, the silly little jokes. I miss simply sitting all night listening to music/talking/laughing. I miss falling asleep with a hand on my hip, and snoring loud enough to wake the dead in my ear. I miss feeling like I was part of something special...even if I was blind in that belief. Being on my own feels alien. My entire life feels alien to me now. I don't feel 'right' on my own anymore. There are still days when he is the only person on the planet I want to talk to.

  I refuse to jump head first back into dating. I lost something precious to me, and not just anything is going to be able to live up to that in my heart. Maybe giving myself time will dull it, and show me all the flaws. Still, even if that happens, I won't ever date someone just to not be alone. My big, squishy, patchwork heart loves too deeply, too completely when it finally decides to. I waited 10+ years to give it away this last time...and as much as I hate being so goddamn lonely now, I will not let anyone else have it again until 1. I've put it back together 2.  I feel like someone can be trusted not to take it for granted or be careless with it.


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