Tuesday, June 14, 2016

♫...Click, two, three, heartbreaking music...♫





Breakups. Fucking. Suck.

Especially if you're the one who was broken up with. When the person who has become your best friend, your trusted lover, the center of your tiny little godforsaken universe tells you that there is someone else they would rather be with it kind of feels like you are stuck in a unending thunderstorm of napalm. Your body, your life, your soul, all other relationships...it's all on fire, and every little goddamn thing feels like the universe is throwing more gasoline on the raging inferno of misery.

This, like most things, I don't handle well.
Tears. Whiskey. Selfishness. More tears. Embarrassing public breakdowns. Tears made of whiskey because that's all I've consumed for days.
My friends get sick of hearing me moan and cry. I get sick of hearing me moan and cry. Everyone starts to wonder if it would just be best to put me out of my misery, like I'm Old Yeller and rabid to the point of no return. "So, would you like to continue to writhe in agony and feelings of worthlessness, coupled with feeling like your heart is being repeatedly ripped out of your ass and then shoved back down your throat...or would you like us to take you out back to the woodshed and shoot you?"
To be clear, I would never advocate harming yourself. I think everyone has something to offer the world...and it's worth staying around for, if only to piss people off. I'm just not too proud to say that emotional pain of that magnitude does come with those type of thoughts for some of us. Denying that wouldn't do me or anyone else any good...I'd rather be of the 'I've had those same feelings too, you're not alone...but you will make it through this' camp than say 'What? NO! I have never thought about hurling myself into oncoming traffic just to make the pain END'. In all honesty, in a break up, isn't that the root of what you want? The pain to stop? Yes, you may start off thinking that all you want is for that person to come back to you (even if you're better off without them). You think that will stop the pain, and you'll have your dearly beloved back. That same dearly beloved who led you to cry on the nasty ass pavement of your parents' driveway at 5am as they broke your heart into a million, irreparable pieces?!?! No. If they left you, let them leave. The person who caused the pain is very rarely going to be what makes it stop.

But I digress...back to me not handling breakups well.
Drinking, not eating, and passing out in a friend's floor on the way to the restroom: Done
Drunken lapses in social media judgement: Done
Crying at work because everything is just too much: Done x's a million (starting a new job + breakup = hell)
Waking up after drinking all night to find yourself in bed with a pizza box & an empty bottle of ranch dressing: Done
Bleach the fuck out of your hair: Done
Flirt shamelessly and consider dirty, meaningless sex: Done
Tell the ex exactly how all of this has made you feel, in the harshest way you can: Done
So. So. So. Much more.

Did any of this help the pain? Absolutely not. Not even in the slightest.
You know what has finally given me a sense of peace? Wishing each other happiness, and really, truly meaning it. Forgiving them, and forgiving yourself. Concentrating on your happiness. Rediscovering who you are, and what makes you enjoy being alive. It doesn't guarantee 100% easy days from then on out...but it is a damn fine place to start.


2 comments:

Amanda said...

You are amazing and powerful and clever and funny and beautiful. Seriously one of my most favorite and trusted advisers in the world.

Whiskey Sour said...

I love you, and id be lost without you

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