Friday, August 1, 2014

♫...Well she's got baggage and it's all the emotional kind...♫

16 years ago today I had my heart broken for the first time. I remember it so vividly because I had never experienced anything that painful before...& honestly, no other breakup or rejection has hurt that much since.

Fast forward to present day, after a 10 year break, I started dating again last August...& it has not been pleasant. I blame myself (mostly).

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~ I have 'daddy issues'...hell, my daddy issues have daddy issues.

~ I have abandonment issues...from my daddy issues.

~ I get attached to people. Not just romantic partners, people in general. If I decide I like someone, I REALLY like them. 

~ I have an intense need for physical affection.

I'm not perfect. I'm nowhere near perfection. To steal a partial phrase from The Doctor, definitely at least 3 buses, a long walk, 8 quid and a taxi from anything near perfect. If perfection is what you're looking for, I'm not your girl.

Example, in the past when I have gotten close to someone and things seem nice...I'll suddenly stop hearing from them. Thanks to modern technology I've been allowed to continue to text these individuals, trying to get attention {thank you myriad of issues} after it's obvious they really don't want to talk to me anymore. 

First off, it's EXTREMELY hard for me to even text someone 'first'...unless you birthed me. I have a hard time convincing myself that I'm not annoying my BFF by texting her without hearing from her first. 

Second, after I've worked up the courage to actually contact someone I'm pretty sure doesn't want to hear from me, to have it pretty much confirmed with lack of response or short, vague responses makes me feel like the world's biggest idiot.

Finally, after all is said and done, I end up feeling MORTIFIED and crazy and absolutely rejected after 'chasing' someone who doesn't want me.

See, issues.

I'm trying to learn from all my mistakes, but it's hard. It's hard for me to sit, and not beg for attention. As pathetic as that sounds. It's a part of myself that I'm trying to work on. I'm almost 35, and still a work in progress. 

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luv Horse said...
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