Tuesday, June 17, 2014

♫...My devotion is an ocean of uneasiness...♫

Thanks to the events of the last 13/14 months I now have attachment issues. 
Yay! I'm so excited to have another reason to never leave my house!!!

Meaning: I find myself feeling terrified of getting attached to anything. Like, sit back, pop some popcorn and watch me freak the fuck out on an epic scale. I'm seriously considering becoming a hermit. Cave, forging in the forest, the whole deal. 

Example: My nearly 6 week old baby chicks. I seriously love these little ladies. I spend as much time as I can talking to them, holding them, getting to know their individual personalities. I've named all but two of them (they're a little more standoffish). I am the Crazy Chicken Lady...and fuck you, I love them. I've threatened to put my mother in a nursing home if they aren't allowed to live long peaceful lives after they quit laying...& I will cut the heart out of anyone who eats them. 
Well, Sunday a couple escaped from their temporary play area outside, & I didn't like how my parents were treating them. I found myself getting teary eyed. Then a thought crashed through my mind: I'm attached to these hens. 
Begin panic attack!
My mind immediately started shouting at me: 'No! We can't do this. You have to start separating yourself from these chicks. You can't allow yourself to get attached. What if something happens to them? You'll be devastated!  Disengage! Stop being around them!'
I didn't, of course, but I do still get that overwhelming panic {for the ducks, my dogs, & Aslan as well}. It's easy for me to stamp it back down when it comes to my animals...but not with people. People terrify the ever-loving-holy-Mary-mother-of-Jesus-on-French-toast out of me.

One of my close friends told me that I always want to see the good in people, & that causes me to allow people to stay in my life who really don't need to be there. I also find myself becoming attached to people who do a lot of damage to me emotionally. This is my own fucking fault. 

I've cut some people out of my life. A few needed to had been cut out long before {it's improved my life greatly}. A few I didn't want to let go of, but had to in order to pull myself back together. I've thankfully been able to have one of those people come back into my life after giving myself time to process and heal.

This past year did a number on me. Too much happened in the last 13/14 months that carved a big fucking chunk out of me. It has left me forever changed. Some of that change was good {the hippie-kumbaya-positivity-and rainbows thing I have going on}, some of it was self-preservation...and not good in the long run. Like being too afraid to be attached to anyone.

I've gone from 'I'm going to attach myself to you like an octopus, & you're going to have to remove all my little suction cups individually' to 'Do not make me care for you because I will explode, and kill us all!'...& while that sounds just peachy fucking keen on the surface, it's not good for me as a permanent way of being. 

So? What now? What do I do? I've forgiven. I've patched up the gaping holes. I've developed a seriously annoying positive mindset. How do I teach myself that it's okay to let people in?
I have no fucking clue...so for now, I'll start will my hens, ducks, dogs, & cat...& love the hell out of them until it doesn't scare me anymore.

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