Monday, February 24, 2014

♫...jet black to the center....♫

At first, I decided that I wasn't going to write this post because I thought I might come off as sad or angry or bitter. Then I remembered that I just don't give a fuck anymore.

I started listening to Jawbreaker just after Dear You was released. I was 15, about to be 16, and getting ready to move and change high schools. I was a sophomore and really happy at the school I was attending. I was established in my school's theater department, and I had a group of little punk rock friends that I adored. The school I was being forced to transfer to was out in the middle of a cow pasture full of rednecks as far as I was concerned. Dear You was an album that I constantly played at full volume, from my bedroom, at my super uptight and over the top religious parents during this time.
I played it even more once I changed schools and found it as depressing as I had feared. I eventually found a group of great guys that I loved hanging out with...and things got better. Now, fast forward about 18 years, and I'm listening to it again...specifically the song Jet Black...blaring through my earbuds at full volume at my brain, because of one of those guys.

I find myself listening to this song a lot on days when I know that, first the hurt, and now the anger twinged with hurt is going to bother me more than I'd like. It helps a little...helps to get me to that numb point of not feeling anything. When you're feeling inadequate and undesirable because of rejection, numb is better. Numb keeps you from saying and doing things that you'll regret...things that won't matter anyway.

The whole album is amazing, and I love that I still adore every single track 18 years later. I 100% thank this song for helping me to not make even more of an idiot out of myself (than I already have) in the last few months.

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