Monday, December 2, 2013

♫...it was a rainy day & my lonely days started again...♫

Why does it feel so wrong to admit that I'm lonely? 
I mean, it's not like I'm saying, "Hey, World! I'm a deranged psychopath who enjoys committing unspeakable atrocities, & reality television!"...but that's what admitting to being lonely feels like. Like maybe I should prepare myself to be pelted with rotten eggs and judgement.

I've been single for over 10 years now, mostly by choice, and it was great...in my 20s. I took a hiatus from dating after a couple of disastrous relationships (one abusive), in order to pull myself together, get my head on straight, and work on me. I had 'friends' I hung out with, but I haven't called anyone my 'boyfriend' or been committed to anyone exclusively since 2002. It allowed me the opportunity to work through some of my issues, discover myself, and not feel tied down to any one place. 

The thing is, one day I woke up and it didn't fit right anymore. Instead of feeling free and amazing, it felt unbareably lonely.  That did not make me jump back into dating, despite the best efforts of ALL my friends trying to set me up with their recently divorced friends/family. No, it would take someone I saw as spectacularly, amazingly worth it to get me to say yes to a date....and eventually, I did.

I was terrified. Absolutely, out of my mind, terrified. So, for once in my life, I decided to face my fear by throwing myself directly at it 110%. Instead of my usual extremely cautious, closed off, meticulously careful self...I did what I wanted (consequences be damned), I tried to be as open as possible, and honestly I was too reckless. It didn't end well for me, but at least I tried...right? 

What was my point? Oh yeah...lonely. All this just served to show me what I had been unwilling to admit to myself thus far...I was, in fact, lonely. I'm not afraid to admit to being lonely anymore, but that still doesn't mean that I'm ever going to 'settle'. I hate that word. I had a 'friend' tell me once that I was going to have to learn to settle because I was never going to get 'the fairytale'. I don't want a fairytale. I simply want to be with another person who accepts me as I am, who loves me, and allows me to love him with my whole heart...& who chooses me...every single day he chooses me, chooses to stay with ME. To a girl with abandonment issues, I guess that IS a fairytale.


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