Monday, December 23, 2013

“the history of melancholia includes all of us.”

Most of you are probably under the impression that I'm some crazy, outgoing, loud mouth, dancing on tabletops, take-no-shit from anyone, extrovert type.

It's okay...I used to be. 

I was all those things, a hardcore theater performer, and more...with a dash of obnoxiousness, I'm sure. 
Then I got involved with a very controlling man with massive anger issues. The relationship became abusive, and over the course of a few years that girl completely disappeared. What was left was a person afraid of their own shadow. 

Fast forward to now. I'm not as bad as I was, but I still have trouble letting men in my life at all...and social anxiety that sometimes borders on crippling. I will not go out alone (by 'out', I mean bars/events/etc, which is also a smart move for women anyway...unfortunately), being in a crowded store makes me want to run screaming, going out on dates is like pure, undiluted hell.  I'm fucking sick of it.

Well, I'm a neurochemistry nerd so I decided to give 5-htp supplements a try. I won't bore you with all the ins and outs that I find so fascinating, I'll just give you a very brief rundown. 5- Hydroxytryptophan is an amino acid that your body naturally produces. It plays a role in the production of the neurotransmitter serotonin (as well as melatonin). Low serotonin levels are responsible for things like depression and anxiety. So, duh, these should boost my mood & help my anxiety, right? You bet your sweet, perky ass.

Now, I already drink a LOT of green tea, and take fish oil supplements, & I think these 3 things together are really helping to make me want to fling myself off Double Oak mountain less.

I took my 5-htp this morning, & quite honestly, I feel a little trippy...but I just don't give a fuck, ya know? Boys? Fuck 'em. Work? Ain't stressing. Christmas with my family that is usually soooo painful, & I DREAD? Bring it, bitches!!

I actually feel a bit like that crazy girl I used to be. Who knows, maybe I'll get to the point where I can go to events/bars on my own! I might actually meet someone I want to go on a date with...& not dread said date so much that I cancel it. The world is my oyster, & I'm gonna shuck that bitch.

As my neuropsych professor was fond of saying, Better living through chemistry!


Anonymous said...

Theres a couple things I would like to say. First, your struggles with social anxiety sound very similar to my own. I used to have panic attacks in stores and rarely ever go out. Things are definitely better now but still in progress. There are other people out there like you. You are not alone.
Secondly, you are not ugly. You are very attractive and you have every right to be proud of losing all the weight you've lost. My only advice is not to let any guys just oogle over your body and tell you nice things cause they wanna get you in bed. I don't really know that much about you but you do deserve someone really great. I hope that you feel encouraged. Maybe you've heard all this before but I thought it may be worth repetition.

Ruby Strawberry said...

Anon, thank you for making my day. It was very much needed, and so appreciated.

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