Tuesday, December 17, 2013

All I want for Christmas is you...writhing in pain.

My Christmas List
All I really want is vengeance, but this stuff will do...

1. A TARDIS: I would really love to go back in time and tell myself to keep my goddamn pants on a couple of times. Would that fuck up my timestream? Do I care? No. 
A Time Lord would be an added bonus.
Yeah, yeah, righting wrongs, saving people, peace on all planets, & all that jazz too...but mainly staying away from certain penises...& the boys attached to them.

2. Calorieless Pizza: Most of you know that I've lost about 75 lbs over the past 3 years...what you probably don't know is that I can eat an entire large pizza by myself...and still want more. I experience a constant struggle between wanting to stick to my health/diet goals, and wanting to devour an entire goddamn pizza for breakfast, lunch, & dinner.

3. For Chibs Telford to ride me as much as his Harley: I've developed quite an unhealthy obsession with Sons of Anarchy over the last few months, & thanks to Netflix I spent a few unhealthy weeks planted in front of my tablet watching the first 5 seasons. I blame Chibs. There's just something about that badass, funny, sweet Scottish biker that makes my lady parts purr. Maybe because he acts like a man, & doesn't pussyfoot around.

4. To never have to hear my co-workers discuss 50 Shades of Grey or Honey Boo Boo ever again: I'm convinced that my IQ has dropped several points after having been subjected to repeated conversations involving those 2 two topics. After years of binge drinking, I can't afford to lose the brain cells they are causing to shrivel up and die.

5. A Unicorn:...because, duh, it's a unicorn. Also, because it can stab people  with it's horn...& possibly fart rainbows. Bonus points if it's also a Pegasus.

6. A Raven: They are my spirit animal. I don't want someone to buy me a tamed one from a breeder. No, I want a raven to randomly adopt me, and be my companion...like Maleficent and her raven.

7. A castle...with a moat: Every Evil Overlord needs a big creepy castle...with WiFi and all the modern amenities...and a dungeon to throw those who displease her. I'd like it to be surrounded by a dense, haunted forest. Bonus if moat comes with a monster lurking in its depths.

8. A vibrator that will not die: SERIOUSLY! I have KILLED the motor in no less than 6 over the years. One even caught fire a little bit...it was smoking...A GIRL HAS NEEDS GODDAMN IT!!!

9. Perfectly lined eyes every time: I'm convinced that the only way to have BOTH eyes lined perfectly (& matching) is witchcraft.

10. Teleportation: I HATE driving...& parking. One of the reasons I never go anywhere is because I fucking HATE to drive, & not knowing where to park (plus never having anyone to go anywhere with me!!!). If I could just pop in and out of places at will, I'd make many more appearances. Plus, plane tickets are crazy expensive and I'm POOR.


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