Friday, February 15, 2013

♫...I want candy...♫

Let me paint you a poorly worded picture, with unending grammatical errors, m'kay?
So, I'm sick (hence the fact that I don't care enough to practice good grammar...which means I might be dying).
I have pneumonia. Like, wheezing, coughing up phlegm and vital organs...
...and all I wanted was some goddamn half priced Valentine's Day candy.
First off, let me drop some facts on you.
No one takes care of Ruby, but Ruby (family-wise, my friends are AWESOME).
Now, everyone wanted candy...but not a damn single person in this house would go FOR me, or with me.
Nothing, however, was going to keep me from my half-priced candy...

I threw on my hat with my Mockingjay Pin...and my River Song t-shirt, and headed out in my tiny little yellow Smart Car. Coughing up parts that I'm sure I'm going to need later on down the line the whole way there.

When I finally get to Target (they have the good stuff), I race towards the back of the store where the Valentine's Day stuff was overflowing as of Tuesday. What I find is empty shelves (except for the wine, which I can't bloody have because I'm on antibiotics, and wasn't on clearance anyway), and an employee divesting the last tiny bits into a buggy. I'm not going to lie. I almost grabbed him by his red shirt, and primal screamed into his face, "WHERE IS THE GODDAMN CANDY?!?!?!?".
Target. You are now on my list...again. Assholes.

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So I went to the deepest bowels of hell. Walmart.
It wasn't much better. They had stuffed everything on 2 little aisles ..to get ready for EASTER! Goddamn EASTER. I don't know why I'm surprised...they had Valentine's Day stuff up the day after New Year's fucking Eve.
The 2 aisles were packed with people fighting over candy/cards/gift baskets/stuffed animals. I had to wedge in behind a lady driving down the tiny space in one of those electric buggy things. I was able to grab a bag of candy for both of my brothers (the two people I live with that I don't psychotically dislike with all that is in me), and a heart-shaped tin of Dove chocolates. I also bought a pair of hot pink leggings...because goddamn it I wear what I want.
Now, I had to escape. Walmart always reminds me of why I fucking hate most people, and after squeezing between a bunch of whining, bitching, arguing, miscreants literally fighting over candy...I was ready to get the holy fucking hell out of there. It wasn't so simple though...you see...people are fucking rude as hell...and like to take up whole aisles with their fucking buggies as they stare at one thing. Fuck you, move your fucking buggy. Then there are the mouth breathers who follow me around...sometimes asking me out...mostly just following me and being creepy. This one kept following me even into the ladies underwear...and got so fucking close to me, breathing down my neck that I almost pummeled him to death with my bag of snickers.
All in all...I'm surprised I made it home without killing anyone.

I think I've earned the right to lay here eating chocolate and watching Veronica Mars until Monday morning.

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