Monday, December 17, 2012
♫...it's true what they say about love...♫
Prepare yourself, people.
I'm about to expose my softer side.
I don't say 'I love you' lightly.
I still remember the first time I said that much lauded phrase to my first love. We had been dating a while, and I had written it many times in the letters we exchanged between classes. Goodness knows that I felt it. Felt it like a warm ray of peace and happiness inside of me. I didn't want to say it lightly though...and I didn't. I can say without a moments hesitation that the first time I said 'I love you' to a boy I said it knowing that he possessed my heart in its entirety. I loved him for all that he was, and I have never regretted it for a second.
Since then, though...I can't really say the same.
I've said I love you out of fear.
I've said it to people I wish I hadn't.
I've not said it to people I wish I had.
At this point, my heart has been so broken...so abused...so used...I'm terrified to say it at all. I really want to though. Every bit of me longs to be that teenage girl so full of love, and so secure in knowing that someone loves her that she's bursting at the seams to tell that person.
Honestly, I haven't felt very loved most of my life. I'm not going to go into a sob story of my childhood, my abusive relationship, and subsequent disastrous relationships. Pity is not something I want/desire/need. Suffice it to say, I am a very affectionate person...both physically and verbally...but I've spent most of my life in a state where I go months without being touched by another human being...in any way. As far as telling anyone how I feel...well, I'm absolutely terrified. Channeling the longing and frustration and fear into fiction works sometimes...but not always.
With everyone talking about the Mayan Calendar ending this Friday...and many people freaking out about it, I started thinking...'What if the world was about to end?"...or even just the world as we know it...what would I want? How would I want to spend my last few moments? The only thing that came to mind was telling someone I love them...and spending my final hours with them. Loving and being loved. There's nothing more in this world that I want. No riches...nothing fancy...maybe laying in a fort built out of sheets...talking, laughing, not having to be afraid of saying how I feel, not being afraid to be myself. To me there's nothing more precious.