Monday, September 3, 2012

♫...I would rather suffer sweet silent solitude...♫

In real life, I basically suck at expressing how I feel, and dealing with people who are experiencing loss/emotional trauma/what have you. I know, I know, there are a lot of people who will say, "But you've helped me through SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much". Well, I'm glad I was able to offer you a shouder to cry on/words of comfort/snarky bits of booze filled wisdom that made you laugh, but I basically felt like I was doing little more than this:

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  As those of you who are close to me, or follow my fan page on Facebook, know...my mum's mother has been in the hospital for over a week now. She is in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's, had a heart attack, is in congestive heart failure, her heart is only pumping at 20%, is in kidney failure, and can barely breathe. She's in so much pain, but because of the Alzheimer's she can't tell us where...and she lives inside herself 90% of the time. Her kidney's have shut down now, and because of all of this they have decided that what is best for her is what they call 'Comfort Care'. This means that they are going to stop treating her, and just make her as comfortable as possible. My mother has barely left the hospital because she could go at any time.

  I have a really hard time expressing how all of this makes me feel. I am very concerned about my mum. I hate seeing my grandmother like this. It scare the hell out of me that I will probably have to experience this with my mother one day. It terrifies me that she could one day not know who I am, or that one day I'll not know who the hell I am or those who love me. I hate seeing my grandmother like this. I can't express it to my mother, and I'm sure it seems like I'm not concerned...but I am. I left my grandmother one night, and waved at her...and she waved back very slowly...and I ran out as fast as I could afterwards, and had a little breakdown in the hospital parking lot.

   When I was little, I lived with my grandparents, before my mum married the man I call 'dad'. I was closer to my grandfather, but I do have fond memories of my grandmother as well. She has not had an easy life, and I hate that. I hate that she's been through so much in her life, and she's been made to suffer through the last 12+ years with this awful disease (Alzheimer's type dementia). It's not fair, and it makes me so angry. I'm angry at what it has stolen from her, and angry at what it's stolen from my mother as her daughter. 

   I don't what to hear all those cliche platitudes that people like to say...'She's going to a better place'...'She's better off'...they just make me what to punch someone in the face.

I'm just so sad, and so goddamn angry...and I don't know what to do.


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