Tuesday, August 21, 2012

♫...I particularly enjoy the circumference...♫

  Yesterday on Twitter, I quipped that my vagina was a place of worship, and therefore I didn't have to pay taxes. It made me think, why not have a religion set up for the worship and adoration of my lady bits?...which led me to create...

The 10 Commandments* of
The Divine Church of Whiskey's Immaculate Snatch.

Commandment 1: Thou shalt not enter without permission. In layman's terms, any part of you that touches me without permission I get to cut off with a dull knife, and fed to you.

Commandment 2: Thou shalt answer 3 Doctor Who trivia questions before being allowed entrance into the holiest of holies. Thou shalt answer three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt answer, and the number of the answering shall be three. Four shalt thou not answer, neither answer thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once at the number three, being the third number be reached, then, thou shalt lay siege to the holy chamber.

  • Example: What is the Doctor's granddaughter, Susan's, name in Gallifreyan, and what does it supposedly mean? And don't motherfucking google it, or I will smite you.
  • Bonus Essay: Explain to me why in all of time and space there wasn't one damn person who could have done Rose Tyler's roots.
Commandment 3: Benedict Cumberbatch haseth dibs. Doesn't matter if he wants 'dibs' or not...he has a red carpet right to my vag. 

Commandment 4: It is not the size of thine ship, nor the motion of thine ocean. It is whether the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

Commandment 5: Keep thine goddamn motherfucking government, and religious zealotry (other religions) OUT of my lady bits. While we're on the topic, no hardcore right wing religious crazies allowed. If they can exclude the LGBT community, I can fucking exclude them...The LGBT community, however, is more than welcome in Whiskey's snatch. Bow chica yeah. 

Commandment 6: Remember, Love is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

Commandment 7: Buying me a drink does not mean you get a go on Whiskey's Wild Ride. It means you bought a broke ass girl a drink. Consider it your good deed.

Commandment 8: Keep the strokes of thine hand firm and slow, and thou shalt be richly rewarded.

Commandment 9: If thou art in a relationship not of the open variety, verily I say unto you...fuck off.

Commandment 10: If thou art offended by the use of the word vagina, thou art too young, too conservative, or too stupid to enter. Verily I say to thee...grow the fuck up.


*subject to change at my discretion...cuz I'm yo' god.


KTo_Knoxville said...

Fantastic. Kudos!

JP Garcia said...

Awesome! Where do I sign up?

Ruby Strawberry said...

Parkside. Where else?

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