Most of you are probably not aware of this, but I have a serious 'fear' of letting anyone read the first draft of ANYTHING I write. Which is why I've been forcing myself to post the very very rough draft of that crazy ass story. I'm making myself face that fear in the hopes that it will help me become a better writer. So far, I'm still pretty lame, but you've all been so kind. In honor of me facing one of my fears, I present to you...
10 Things Guaranteed to Make Me Pee My Pants In Terror.
1. Snakes: I fucking hate snakes. I don't know if it was my desire to marry Indiana Jones when I was younger that caused me to develop this hatred for the slithering sons a bitches...but I am unreasonably terrified of them. I will run screaming if I encounter even the tiniest of these creatures. One afternoon a few years ago, my mother called me at work to tell me not to come in our downstairs door because there was a huge ass snake hanging over the walkway...to this day, I'm petrified of walking through that door at night...I just KNOW there's a fucking slithery serpent hanging there waiting to sink it's fangs into me. The really fucked up thing? I'm a proud Slytherin.
2. Heights: From the moment I announced that I was going to London by myself next year the first question out of everyone's mouth was, "How are you going to fly?". Goddamn it people! Why was liquor invented if not for helping us to do stupid things, get laid, and face our fears?
3. Government 'round-ups': No matter how I explain this, you're going to think I'm nuts. That's okay...because I probably am. The story starts like this, I was raised in a Missionary Baptist Church. That's like hardcore Southern Baptist to the 1 millionth degree. This is probably why I didn't lose my virginity until I was almost 20. Terror, my friend, was their game. And they were good at it. Case in point, the video. When I was a very young child, I was forced to watch a video of what happens to the people on earth after 'The Rapture'. In said video, the government rounded people up in white vans, and chopped their heads off. Couple this with a fear of the movie Red Dawn, that I was exposed to around the same time...and my overactive imagination was certain that I was going to be rounded up in a white van, put in some kind of horrid concentration camp (don't get me started on the Holocaust nightmares I used to have), and have my head chopped off. Fast forward to today...and I still have a tendency to believe conspiracy theories relating to the government building secret internment camps.
4. The Handmaid's Tale: Dude. You have no idea how close we are to this. Yes, this kind of plays into fear #3, but to me it's even worse. I've written numerous posts on this, so I won't go into further detail, as I know you are all sick of me railing on and on and on about how our nation is on the precipice of turning this piece of fiction into reality. The facts are, I have a vagina and a mind of my own...and that scares the hell out of a certain group of people...and they will do anything to control both.
5. Outside at night: I have two evil, younger brothers who take delight in putting sadistic strains on my blood pressure. Usually this comes in the form of putting a life sized, cardboard cut out of Indiana Jones in unexpected places at night. Well, I have an irrational fear of seeing someone creeping around our backyard/back porch at night. I.will.lose.my.shit if this ever happens. I have threatened all kinds of unholy forms of retribution if my brothers ever do this to me. I will seriously lose whatever shred of sanity I'm desperately clinging to if this were to ever occur.
6. Being burned alive: Maybe it's because my youngest brother is constantly remind me that I probably would have been burned as a witch if I had been born during any of the times when that was the popular thing to do. He's also quick to point out that there is a very large group of people who would love to do it now, if given half the chance.
7. That slow, creepy, jerky, effect in horror movies: First off, I don't watch horror movies. I'm a big scaredy cat, and I have to sleep alone. However, every once in a while my youngest brother will con me into watching something scary with him...because he's a big scaredy cat who can't watch them alone. It seems that these days there is always that one ghost that is walking, or crawling on the walls, or doing some other nightmare inducing thing...and they have to throw in that jerky effect. You know what I'm talking about. I don't know what it's called, the missing frame phenomenon or something. Supernatural has used it in the past too...and it makes my fucking skin crawl. I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it.
8. Mum finding my Tumblr/Twitter/This Blog: The terror can not be put into words.
9. Creepy ass dolls:...with their dead, hollow eyes that watch you wherever you go. Fuck the ones that talk right in the face. I think I covered it well in one of the 31 Days of Halloween posts last year. The messed up thing? My mother bought me a porcelain doll every single year for Christmas up until a few years ago. Those fuckers are in her curio now.
10. The whole Psycho thing: You know, someone sneaking up on me in the shower. If you think you're going to sneak in the shower for some hot, wet fun...think again. You're more likely to get bludgeoned to death with lye soap, okay? Announce yourself, state your intention, and wait for clearance.