Tuesday, June 19, 2012

♫...It's over, we're over...♫

   After writing that bit of sappy tripe yesterday, I started thinking about breakups. I'm such a cheery little bitch these days. The truth is, everyone at some point in their lives will probably experience a breakup. Even if it's mutual, it'll probably still feel about as good as being smacked in the forehead with a 2x4. It doesn't matter who you are, or what you look like...I mean, look at Jennifer Aniston. So, as a favor to you all, I am going to use my VAST experience (of being brutally dumped) and give you:

Whiskey's Breakup Survival Guide

1. Music: Just fucking avoid it. I don't care if it's the goddamn jingle from a fast food commercial. It will fuck you up. After my first love broke up with me, one of my friends loaned me his copy of Wish by The Cure. When one of my other friends found out, he asked the first friend, "What were you thinking?? Do you want her to kill herself?". Just don't do it...not even classical music...trust me, you'll find some way for it to echo your unending agony and hollow existence, and then somehow turn it into a metephor for your entire relationship.
"What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?" ~ High Fidelity.
2. Drinking: Yes, I'm a fan of sometimes drowning my sorrows in the demon liquor. HOWEVER, if I'm in a highly emotional state...I try to refrain...and if I can't, I do it alone. There is a reason for this. After my first love stomped on my heart (yes, everything goes back to that, because quite frankly, no other breakup has been as bad), I got drunk for the first time...with smirnoff vodka and orange juice...and proceeded to make out with my friends ex-boyfriend, who was a friend of my ex...and then had to be put to bed, as I cried uncontrollably, by another mutual friend of my ex and mine. NOT my finest hour to say the VERY least. Just don't do it...but if you simply must...hide your cellphone/home phone/computer modem/car keys from yourself, and do it alone in the safety of your own home...where you can be a pitiful mess without having to face a lifetime of embarrassment like me.

3. Entertainment: After my worst breakup, I watched The Wedding Singer, Cruel Intentions, High Fidelity, and every goddamn episode of Dawson's Creek out at the time over and over again to distract myself from the gaping misery that was the painful cavity in my chest where my heart used to be. That is to say, distract yourself.

4. Pets: There is nothing more healing than the unconditional love of your furry, four legged friends. They don't care how you look, they'll never call you fat, they'll let you cry into their fur and then lick away your tears. Hug them, tell them you love them, take care of them...and let their sweetness help you along the road to healing. HOWEVER, do NOT go and adopt a pet you cannot properly take care of, and then abandon it...I will find you. I will show up one day in your bushes, and I will punch you right in the face.

5. What about your friends?: After a time of crying soundly into every soft surface in your home, spend some time with your good friends. ONLY your good friends. If you have toxic friends in your life, this would be a good time to get rid of them. The sad thing is, it's during your lowest points when you truly discover who your real friends are. If you find yourself completely surrounded by fake friends, take it as a blessing and make a goal of finding new friends...once you are back to being your thoroughly fabulous self. Cherish those who are there for you at your lowest, who see you at your worst and still think you're the bee's knees. These are the people who are the sweet frosting on the cake that is your life. Don't eat them though...that's cannibalism, and may result in spongiform encephalopathies...which will only exacerbate things.

6. Isolation:...from the ex. I know, I know. You want to still be friends with them....and you can be...years from now when you've healed enough not to be a weepy, psychotic mess in their presence. No calling them. No texting them. Don't Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr stalk them, it will not end well. No driving by their house in the middle of the night just to see if that bitch's car is parked outside their house again. No. Non. Nyet. Nein. You'll thank me years later when you can actually be friends with them because you didn't horribly embarrass yourself so badly that you can't ever look them in eye. I'm lucky enough to consider myself friends with all but one of my exes...now, wheter they consider me a friend is a completely different story.

7. Food: Yes, the thought of eating an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's followed by a pizza (or 12), all the carbs, and every single thing in your fridge...even that thing that you think used to be cheese but now looks like a tribble...seems like a good idea. However, learn from my experience, and know that one day when you shake yourself out of the food coma and self loathing to find that you've gained 90 lbs it will NOT be pretty...and the time it will take to work all of that off is going to be HELL...especially if you prefer to eat the foods you love and get your exercise by running around Azeroth, like me. Do yourself a favor, eat a healthy diet and work off your hurt and frustration by going for a good long run. Endorphins make you feel better, and you'll get the best 'revenge' by being toned and glowing.

8. Plans: Make some. All the things you've always wanted to do? Start planning to make them happen. True story, I was miserable at my new job (still am), and needed something to get me through the endless days without slitting my wrist with a letter opener. I've always wanted to go to London. It's been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember, and for years I've put off going because I didn't want to go by myself. Finally, at one of my most miserable moments, I decided that I wasn't going to wait any longer. That day I went to Books-a-Million and bought a travel book and a journal...and I started planning my trip. Use your dreams, and the pursuit of them to pull yourself out of the lowest times in your life. Not only will you distract yourself, you'll be well on your way to making them happen.

9. Sex: Trust me, I know that having sex with that hot, scruffy, bass player can seem like one hell of a fucking good idea...and it will seem like just what you need to help you get past the wasteland that is your love/sex life. No. Just say no, my friend. Maybe once you're past the worst of it...but until then, buy yourself a fabulous, never fail, sex toy and a year's supply of batteries. Keep it by your bed. Use it nightly. Orgasms may not heal a broken heart, but they are a hell of a sleeping pill...and it's really fun to moan 'Dean Winchester!!!" loudly. That hot bass player will still be there when you're not such a fucking mess...


10. WRITE: Worked for me. After one particularly humiliating experience, I retreated back to LiveJournal, and through a bonding of mutual pain, I met some really wonderful people who not only helped me make it through a dark time in my life...but now I consider them close friends. Start a blog and use your misery to entertain the masses. Keep a journal. Write extremely bad poetry, like I did after my first breakup. Get the pain out in a constructive way. Start your own zombie survival guide...it will help to think of zombies munching on your ex's face...trust me.


Amanda said...

I love this Breakup Guide. If only it had been around at my first heartbreak. Oh well. You live, you learn.

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