Today I was informed that I have a mandatory harassment seminar later this week...I just love last minute notifications, don't you? So, in honor that hour or so of soul clenching boredom, I give you...
10 Topics We'd Cover If I Was Conducting a Work Harassment Seminar
1. Sexual Harassment - It will be graded.: Please refer to the examples in your hand out below.
Example One: A+
Basically, if you're Benedict Cumberbatch...please do talk dirty to me.
Example Two: Passible, C+...
Example Three: FAIL
2. How to have sex at work without getting caught: True confessions, I've had sex at four different buildings I've worked in. I've never gotten caught. Moreover, co-workers, the majority of them, would never be able to guess who 95% of that sex was with. Be sneaky, be careful, be smart, and be fucking quiet. If I can manage it, so can you.
3. Psychological Warfare: How to drive your annoying co-workers insane without anyone being able to prove you've done anything at all.
4. You get paid more than me for doing the same job, so I get to kick you in the balls when you imply/ask if it's my time of the month because I disagree with you: Self explanatory.
5. NO MEANS NO...and you will get stabbed: Consent is sexy. Respect boundaries. Not everyone is a kinky bitch like me, and not even I want to flirt with everyone.
6. Not Everyone Wants To See Your Ass: Cover yourself up...unless this is a strip club...is this a strip club?...because I will take my clothes off.
7. Fuck You: Are you offended by so-called 'foul' language? Grow some goddamn fucking balls, and quit being a whiny fucking cunt about it.
8. Paint With All The Colors Of The Wind - Respect for the sexuality and gender identity of your co-workers: Also known as, 'Don't be a fucking asshole'.
9. Pantyhose vs. Stockings and Garters: Pantyhose are a bitch if you're trying to have a quickie in the copy room. Just sayin'.
10. Is It Ever A Good Idea To Sleep With Your Boss?: As long as it's just sex...and they don't suck at it...well...still probably, actually never...but fuck it if I've ever been one to make wise decisions...YOLO!