Tuesday, May 29, 2012

♫...You're only young but you're gonna die...♫



As I'm sure you've all heard by now, the zombie apocalypse kick started over the weekend in Miami. Now, minions, the government is going to try to convince you that it was not, in fact, a zombie, but a normal man having cocaine psychosis. To this I say, YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE OUR GOVERNMENT? How cute.... No, not really.

All this in your face (oh god that was horrible) zombie action got me thinking..."Oh dear sweet, baby raptor jesus! There's still so much I wanted to do before the end of civilization as we know it!"...

10 Things I wanted to do before the Zombie Apocalypse began:


Travel: Bar none, my biggest regret. From pub crawling my way through England, Scotland, and Ireland to drinking my way through the vineyards of Italy...From stuffing myself silly through all of Spain to having my own No Carb Left Behind tour through Italy...From running through New Zealand like a less hairy hobbit, to strolling through the red light district of Amsterdam....among a myriad of other things that cover the entire globe, and are less funny and more awe inspiring....I'm really pissed off that the zombies are ruining that for me...as I was saving up for my first trip!
I bet you thought I was going to say 'Benedict Cumberbatch' didn't you? Oh, you silly little minions.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Damn straight. 

Spawn: Yeah, lately I've been having an undeniable urge to procreate, or adopt. I'm not sure how I feel about this, it's an entirely new situation. I blame Benedict Cumberbatch. This is not something I will do during the Zombie Apocalypse. I think Lori from the Walking Dead (comic books and TV series) is so goddamn, mother freakin' stupid that she should be taken out, and fed to the zombies on principle.  Pregnant during the zombie apocalypse? No. Fucking. Way. 

Burlesque: Seriously. I wanted to make it to my goal weight (almost there, wooo!), and try my hand at burlesque. We all know that Dita von Teese is my style icon, and I absolutely adore her...so this should come as no surprise. I would love to do a routine to Little Red Riding Hood by Sam The Sham & The Pharaohs or Poison Ivy by The Coasters. You could call me Strawberry Double Delight. There's no way in hell that's happening with zombies roaming the earth looking for brains and succulent flesh to munch on. 

Ran a Marathon: Only because it would have prepared me more for running for my life...and this would have also come in handy if the Doctor decided to swing by, and make me his new companion. I wonder how many of the Doctor's companions we never heard about because they died on the first 'adventure' because they couldn't run? "Hold up, Doctor. I just need to catch my breaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD IT'S SO PAINFUL!" *dies horribly*. Yeah. The Doctor and Zombies, both very good reasons to have ran more.

See the Avengers Movie: Goddamn it all to bloody freakin' hell. I still have not gotten a chance to go see this movie yet...thanks, mainly, to my pain in the ass car dealership that I keep having to deal with.

Play Jennifer Lawrence's older girlfriend in some highly erotic movie: Um. What? Nothing to see here. Move along.

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Discover how Sherlock survived the Reichenbach Fall: MOFFAT!!! I love you so much, but agfasfsalfjasjals;fja;sa! You and Gatiss! I love you both, but you're inflicting emotional damage on me by making me wait this long...so, if by some chance the zombies don't devour me, and I make it to London in early 2013, you can not have me forcibly removed from the set of Sherlock. You must let me stare at Benedict in peace. YOU OWE ME!

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Finished writing my books: Now the damn things are going to haunt me forever. They are going to be rolling around in my head, distracting me...and probably getting me killed. Damn it!

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Yes, Chris, I know...and for that I will be forever regretful.

Fuck you, zombies. Now I have to put all my energy into shooting, fortifying, fighting, running, and preparing myself for the eventual, inevitable demise of my entire family (not really going to take that much preparation/mustering of courage at this point)...






2 comments:

Scooter said...

Holy shit AMAZING! By the way, if you ever, ever, EVER do a Burlesque routine to Hey There Little Red Riding Hood... PLEASE tell me!!! I want to be present for that. :D

Whiskey Sour said...

Hon, I'll get you a front row seat! Up where all the action is...and by 'action' I mean my bewbs swinging all over the place.

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