Tuesday, March 13, 2012

♫...I hate you most of all...♫

....as we continue my 'Hatred for Daylight Savings Week'

10 Things I Enjoy More Than Daylight Savings.

1. Pap Smears: I would rather be wearing those two large paper towels that they give me to cover my massive boobs and lower half , my feet up in the stirrups, having to face that long ass Q-Tip violating my lady bits than have Daylight Savings....I don't recoomend doing a Google Image search on this...

2. Political 'Discussions' with my dad: ...and when I say 'discussions' I mean, him telling me that I had better vote Republican (his choice is Newt) and me telling him that I'd rather deep throat a knife...and then the escalating screams as he tells me that Republicans are 'carrying my ass' and Obama and Nancy Pelosi are destroying our country...and I yell at him that the Republicans are a bunch of misogynist nut-jobs and he is extremely ignorant and obviously supports the notion that women should have no choice, no rights and should always be pregnant and in the kitchen.

3. The 3.4 Billion Year hiatus between Sherlock and Doctor Who seasons/series: I'm looking at you here Moffat! I love you more than Whiskey, but I can't go this long without The Doctor and Sherlock. It's cruel, and I'm going to need medication if you keep this up.

4. Women who say they aren't feminists or that they hate feminism

5. Talking to My Mother: That would actually be talking 'at' my mother...because she doesn't listen to a single word I say. When I try to talk to her, she makes me feel like the least significant person on the planet. I've started asking, "Did you hear a single word I said?" and when she huffs that she did, it's with obvious disdain and indication that she couldn't care less about anything that I say or anything that is going on in my life. My youngest brother can be rattling on and on about his latest obsession for the millionth time and she will listen with rapt attention...on baited breath...as if it is the most interesting thing she has ever heard in her entire life. She will spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to get the middle child to tell her how his day was. Me? I could cure cancer, AIDS, and the common cold...I could colonize mars...I could take over the world and turn the planet into a land of peace and harmony...and she still wouldn't care. Until I marry a man and produce 2.3 kids, I am a failure and anything I do will be met with:


6. Alabama Humidity: I don't call it Hell's Waiting Room for nothing. After 32 years I've gotten sick of hearing, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity"...but it's true. Alabama has 2 seasons: 2-5 days of Winter and Humid as Fuck the rest of the year. If you would like to recreate the sensation so that you can experience the wonder of The South, do this: Fill a swimming pool with steaming hot coffee...then jump in...and try to walk around...there you go, Welcome to Alabama.

7. Aslan's Yolwing: High definition, surround sound, ear splitting, brain exploding, louder than a baby's cry, erotic dream of Benedict Cumberbatch interrupting, making my eyeballs twitch, binge eating triggering, pain in the ass wails from the pits of hell. 

8. People Telling Me That I Need Jesus: No, dear, what I need is a job, a place of my own, healthy food, and regular sex...and for you to fuck off.

9. Trying to Figure Out If Rick Santorum Is Just A Cruel Social Experiment: Seriously. If I sit and listen to/think about anything he has said for too long my brain will explode...and then I'll want to destroy the earth so that he and his evil minions followers aren't allowed to continue with their insanity.

10. People who call THE DOCTOR, Doctor Who: Seriously people. The name of the show is Doctor Who, the Time Lord of sex is called The Doctor. It's not that hard...


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