Thursday, March 1, 2012

♫...A blaze so high it lights the night...♫

Once upon a time, in the late 1980s, I set my big ol' hair on fire.

As I've mentioned before, while I was growing up my family attended various Baptists churches. Luckily, I escaped relatively unscathed by their dogma and with all my free will still intact. That in and of itself is a miracle. At the time of this particular event I was either in 2nd or 3rd grade and my family attended a very small Missionary Baptist Church. Meaning they were old school Baptists y'all. During this time in history it was fashionable to have BIG hair...and this is the south I'm talkin' about, so it was VERY big hair indeed...and lots of hairspray was the ticket of the day. 
I had extremely long, naturally blonde, hair and my mother had been perming it for me for at least a year or so at this time.

Exhibit A: Me + Many chemicals...that are probably
illegal was the 80s, we ate lead paint for breakfast.

Being that I attended a Baptist church, we were real big on Easter (All the fun things about Easter are pagan in origin, hijacked to help convert the pagan's to Christianity...I love me some pagans, y'all). I was mostly excited because Easter meant that I was able to get a new dress and get my swag on. That year I was extra excited because not only was my dress super spiffy (to my 8 or 9 year old self), but it came with a hat! A HAT! I never got to wear a hat!

Exhibit B: Girl's Easter Hat
Mine didn't have a bow =[
Easter morning I got up, put my dress on and sat to let mum fix my hair. Even though I was wearing a hat, it was the 80s and I was required to have at least one portion of my hair we went for the bangs.

Exhibit C: The Bangs
I'm pretty sure my mother used an entire can of Aqua Net on my bangs...and I felt like a superstar. I was pretty sure that I looked exactly like Madonna...even though I wasn't supposed to know who Madonna was since Focus on the Family told my parents she would lead me to a life of drug addiction and promiscuity. Thankfully, I had MTV on the weekends with my bio-dad and Step-mother...and that was back when they actually played music videos. Where was I? Oh yeah, Madonna wannabe bustin' all up in the backwoods church. 

The Missionary Baptist church I went to seemed to use any excuse to break out the wafers and candles and have a good ol' fashioned candlelit communion. My uncle was the pastor of this church. It really isn't relevant to the story, just thought I'd throw that out there (he's also the reason my parents made me stop watching Mighty Mouse and Punky Brewster...and even though he has turned into a perfect heathen now, I will always be a bit sore about that!). So, I'm sure you see where this is going. We lit the candles by passing the flame from our candle to the person beside us...and then one by one we walked from our pews to the front to eat our wafer and drink our grape juice (Baptists only drink alcohol in the closet where no one can see them), and then back to our pew. When you walk with a candle the flame tends to grow a bit longer...and mine sure did. We were safely back in our pew (my family) when I started smelling something funky. It was about the same time my mother started smelling it too, and her first instinct was to look over at me (if something weird was going on I was usually the cause). The next thing I know, my mother was beating at my forehead as inconspicuously as she could...because my chemical heavy bangs were on fire!

Exhibit D: Permed bangs + Can of Aqua Net =
She was able to stop the flames in time for the blaze to inflict only minimal damage on my bangs...which, lucky for me, were so big that I could hide the little patch of hair that was reduced to smoldering cinders. I think this was around the same time that the perm my mum used also caused a silver dollar sized patch of bangs to fall's really a surprised that I have any hair left on my head.


Amanda said...

ahahahahahahahah Oh my gosh! I just laughed sooooo hard!

This reminds me, also, of one of my Easters. Maybe it was the same one as yours and the planets aligned just right to wreck havoc on us....or to warn those around us that the earth was going to experience an awesome beyond all awesome and the planets were trying to assassinate us. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes....

I had a similar hat to yours, by the way. And every Easter, new dress and shoes. Sometimes complete with dainty white gloves! squee! Anyway, one Easter...maybe I was 7 or 8 or 9, I sat in a chair so my sister could curl my hair before church. We were Episcopalian, btw. Wine for us....and Episcopalians will drink in front of everybody, yo! Well, apparently, as she was curling my hair, I suddenly got really sick and fainted. To this day, my sister says I was faking, but I wasn't. Then she goes and tells me this year that while I was lying on the ground, my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I was shaking because I was "so dramatic and good at faking!" Uh...wait....I fell out of the chair and had a FUCKING SEIZURE and you just stood there and laughed?! God, she's a bitch! I probably have a tumor....anyway.

So yeah. That was one of my Easters. ramble on.

Whiskey Sour said...

OH MY GOD! THAT IS CRAZY! You poor bb! Let me hug you.
It's official. We were separated before birth and placed with different mothers...there is no other explanation.

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