Tuesday, February 7, 2012

♫...Versatile like All-Temp-A-Cheer...♫

  I have a meeting with a temp agency this afternoon...because I've completely given up on trying to find a job that utilizes my degree in this ass backwards state. It seems cruel that I can find an unending stream of available jobs in all the states surrounding me...but not in this state. What makes me want to beat my head against the wall in unending frustration is that there are jobs in New Orleans and Southern California that I am more than qualified for (and would allow me to use my very expensive education)...but you need money in order to move...and as you and the Department of Education are well aware, I have zero dollar bills, y'all.

So...in honor of me reuniting with my old temp agency...here are

Ten Jobs I Wish My Temp Agency Would Send Me On

1. Dominatrix. For realz, you guys. I would work the hell out of this 'job'.

2. Official Alcoholic Beverage Tester: I feel strongly that I am the best qualified for this position...and I'm not picky in the least...except for cognac...the first time I ever did an exorcist impersonation after drinking was due to cognac...I've never been that sick in my life...and there are still black spots in my memory from that unfortunate incident...so anything but cognac...though I'm not wild about Jager either.

3. Anything that doesn't require me to leave the house: Seriously. I just want to stay home in my pajamas...and not get up early...and NEVER EVER EVER talk on the phone.


No idea what that would be...I just wanted to use this picture again.

5. Benedict Cumberbatch's Personal Anything: ANYTHING...and if it involves various things of a highly sexual nature, all the better...in fact, I'd do this for free.

6. Professional Zombie Survival Expert: ...but with the stipulation that I'm allowed to slap stupid people.

7. Safe Sex Educator: Abstinence only education is bullshit. I would be the most badass Sex Educator...I'd have props and a jolly good fun...of course, there isn't a school in Alabama that would allow me in...and they'd probably burn me at the stake...

8. Doctor Who/Supernatural/Sherlock: Pay me to watch them and make general assessments about them on the internet...because I do that anyway...(you could also give me a role on said shows)...of course, I would have to be given permission to use the following gifs to accurately project my feelings about the episodes:


9. Professional Pintrest Guru: My boards are awesome...'nuff said.

10. Snarky Blog Writer: This IS my job...no matter what else I do...this blog is my REAL JOB! Someone should pay me for it...even if it is in free booze and adult toys...

....this post has made me realize that I should focus all my efforts towards becoming a full-time writer...and Benedict Cumberbatch's love slave...

...I must go make myself presentable now...*grumble*


Scooter said...

Holy crap I SO almost peed my pants from laughing so hard!! AMAZING!! I'd want a few of those jobs too. ;P

Ruby 'VooDoo' LeBeau said...

Maybe we should start our own Temp Agency and specialize in these sort of jobs...and have an open bar for employees.

Amanda said...

I would steal all my husband's money and come to Alabama to go through your Agency. I'm just saying. Hire me as a drunken whore. I'm well qualified and have years of experience.

Whiskey Sour said...

YOU'RE HIRED....either with my company or I'll find you someone to beat with a riding crop while you wear liquid latex...

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