Saturday, February 11, 2012

♫...My toxic valentine...♫

   Every single store I have drunkenly stumbled into since two days after Christmas has looked like cupid threw up all over the place. I think this mainly annoys me because there is so much pink and red...and white...and those colors wash me out and make me look like crap. St. Patrick's Day is my 2nd favorite holiday...because I look awesome surrounded by all that green...and people encourage me to do what I do anyway...drink until I'm naked and dancing on tables. 

Where was I? 
Oh yeah, Valentine's Day is Tuesday. 
I don't 'get' Valentine's, at all.
I was proposed to on Valentine's Day, 18 million years ago, and it was the least 'romantic' thing in the history of existence. 
To me, it seems like the premise of Valentine's Day is to have a healthy relationship...something that you should be doing anyway...but has been bastardized to "BUY ME STUFF TO SHOW ME YOU LUUUUUURRRVEEE ME!" If you count on one day a year to be treated like you're 'special' by your seriously need to sort out whether you should be with this person. Also, if you're with someone who requires you to buy them stuff in order to 'prove' to them that you love them...same advice. Run. It's sweet to give your partner little gifts from time to time (I think it's awesome to do it when they least expect it), but it should never be a 'requirement'. 

Attitudes about Valentine's Day are pretty hardcore too. 
It's perfectly alright to hate Valentine's Day or to love it. 
Just don't be surprised when I slap the hell out of you if you get annoying about it. 

I've been alone on Valentine's Day a lot...and at this point in my life, my attitude towards Valentine's Day is something along the lines of: Valentine's Day? Fuck YEAH! This means cheap chocolate for at least a week afterwards!" This year I'll probably spend it with Sherlock and a glass (bottle) of I can feel classy about it...then I'll retire to bed with a lurid fantasy that involves me, Benedict Cumberbatch, and a shower.

Now...Buckle up for:

The Busty Zombie Hookers From Space: 
Valentine's Day Survival Guide

For my Singles:
  • You're awesome. You don't need another person to validate your existence. Be your own Valentine. Buy yourself flowers and candy if that's what you want. Do something that you enjoy, or treat yourself to something you've always wanted to try. Then retire with your Battery Operated Boyfriend/Girlfriend.
  • Find other single people and go out on the town...or have a party. 
  • Get drunk and take advantage of yourself.
  • It's perfectly okay to sit at home with 30 of those huge, heart-shaped boxes of chocolates and drink a bottle (or 3) of wine while you cry along to P.S. I Love You (There's a song by Flogging Molly and one by The Pogues in that movie, btw). 
  • Watch My Bloody Valentine. This always works for me. Two words: Jensen Ackles. He brings everyone's milkshake to the yard, regardless of sexual orientation. 
  • If you're financially able to, adopt a pet from your local animal shelter. There are plenty of animals that need to be rescued and need loving homes. Save an animal from being put down and gain a loyal and loving friend in return. I want to reiterate that you need to be financially able to do this. You need to be able to feed your pet and afford to take them to the vet regularly. Also, pets are naughty sometimes...they chew on things, tear stuff up, they sometimes have accidents on your carpet...if you can't handle it...get a stuffed animal.
For those with a Partner:
  • You should be showing each other that you love each other anyway...and having sexy sex times. If you're not getting the support and love you need from your partner, in either of those areas, you need to have a long conversation with them about it. Be upfront about how you're not getting your needs met...but be prepared to listen to their 'complaints' as well. If they aren't willing to listen or work on your might want to begin thinking about leaving this relationship. 
  • Maybe take each other somewhere special...not just for one person...something for both of you.
  • Build a fort in the living room and act like kids.
  • Spice up your sexy sex time...maybe with something like this:
{{Firefighter}}                                                        {{Sexy Nun}}

{{Prisoner of Love Kit}}

  • Just love each other...and realize how lucky you are to be with someone you love, and who loves you. Know that you don't have to have one day a year to show this person that you love them. Cherish each other and your time together.


Scooter said...

I honestly think that's some of the best Valentine's Day advice I've ever heard. Thanks!

Amanda said...

Husband's birthday is Valentine's. so we just do that.

Whiskey Sour said...

I slept through most of it...but, hey...Birthday cake.

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