Everything...and I mean EVERYTHING is Valentine's Day insanity right now. Which makes me want to hurl. I know I was all sunshine and rainbows and unicorn farts in my post yesterday, but fuck it. I want to give Valentine's Day a great big middle finger. It's whole purpose is to cater to the 'buy me stuff or you don't love me' crowd and to make single people feel like crap. You know what? I'm single and I don't feel like crap about it! You know why, you gawdy bitch of a day? Because I like being single. I know a woman my age isn't supposed to like being on her own, but you can take your Bridget Jones (sorry, Bridge, I still love you) stereotype and shove it up your red, pink and white ass.
It really irritates me when people say/do stuff like, "Oops, let's not talk about Valentine's Day in front of Ruby. She's all alone and it's not fair! Let's feel sorry for her because she doesn't have a husband like us!" Yeah. Okay. Feel sorry for Ruby who will be spending Valentine's Day with her favorite person (herself) and a guaranteed orgasm. I'll sit over here with my dogs keeping me warm and feel sorry for your sex life. Cheers, bitch.
He're the letter to Valentine's Day that I wrote last year...rewritten a bit.
Dear Valentine's Day,
Starting the day after Christmas I can't seem go anywhere without being assaulted by your garish display of red, pink and white hearts soaking every store I am forced to visit in your candy coated evil. By the time February 14th actually rolls around I am so nauseated by the sight of all things 'Valentine's Day' that I morph into some kind of Valentine's Day grinch who goes around popping heart shaped balloons, sticking my fingers in all the chocolates and then leaving only the icky orange creme filled ones behind, and watering the lovely flowers with bleach.
In short, I hate you.
You aren't even a real holiday! At least not in this day and age. No, in today's society your only purpose is to make people buy a bunch of candy they don't need, and/or stuffed animals that gyrate their hips to slightly suggestive songs....or to make single people feel like drowning themselves in the kitchen sink...all in the name of love. And, honestly, I am happy being single. I would rather drink bleach than be in a relationship right now....so if you make ME sick I can only imagine the soul crushing horror that you hold for those individuals who desperately long to be in a relationship.
Furthermore, if someone needs a 'holiday' to remind them to let the special people in their lives know that they love them....or it's the only day of the year they bother trying to be remotely romantic...they have more problems than I can, professionally, help them with. ALSO, do you think it's wise to inflict yourself on the single people of the population and then provide them with cheap candies? We already have an obesity epidemic!
You are nothing but a tacky bitch, Valentine's Day. A dirty, tacky obnoxious little bitch!
So... I will not partake in any of your foolishness. I will not gorge myself on chocolate. I will not watch anything that is even remotely kin to a romance/romantic comedy. I will not lament my singleness...and the only love poem I would even consider writing would be to my vibrator....because, let's face it, my most successful and beneficial relationship has been with it.
If Cupid even so much as looks at me sideways, I will kick him in the balls...DO YOU HEAR ME?
Please Die...you rabid, attention seeking, capitalistic, tacky bitch,