Tuesday, February 14, 2012

♫...Goodbye, goodbye Valentine...♫

Ten Things You Can Do To Keep Your Mind Off This Bullshit Holiday

1. Read When She Woke: [Mild spoiler warning, but it's revealed in the first few pages so, not really that much of a spoiler] This book endeared itself to me by claiming to be something akin to what would happen if The Handmaid's Tale and The Scarlet Letter got drunk one night and made a baby. Now, you may not know this about me, but I love The Handmaid's Tale...it scares the bejezus out of me...because I see how perilously close our country is to becoming the world in that book...but I also love it. I hated reading The Scarlet Letter when I was younger...but now that I've matured a bit, I can see more to it then I could then...and at least now I get it. This book is no Handmaid's Tale...but it's not what most people expect when they think of The Scarlet Letter. It's set in the future in a world where most of the states in the US have overturned Roe vs. Wade, a line between church and state does not exist, and Sanctity of Life laws have been put into effect (I refuse to link to Anti-Choice sties on this blog, so if you want to read up on that nonsense, you'll have to search for it yourself.). Abortion is illegal and considered 2nd degree murder. Our heroine, instead of being forced to wear a scarlet A on her chest, has her entire skin turned a highly pigmented red in a process called Melochroming after having an illegal abortion in order to protect the identity of her well-known and married lover. As an added bonus, it was real easy for me to imagine that Benedict Cumberbatch was Aidan.

2. Watch any of the following:
  • My Bloody Valentine: It's bloody, it's not a RomCom, and above all else it has Jensen Ackles and his perfect lips.
  • Repo!: The Genetic Opera: One of my favorite movies. It's got lots of blood and violence and it has Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer singing...also Sarah Brightman.
  • The Boondock Saints: Another favorite. No love. Lots of violence. Lots of Norman Reedus and Sean Patrick Flanery...and if you've never seen this I don't want to speak to you again until you do (kidding...or am I?)
  • Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: First off, a procedure that allows you to erase someone from your brain completely? Fuck yes, sign me up. Second off, they know that their relationship is fucked up and yet they're all 'What the hell, let's do this!"...and that, my friends, is one of the most beautiful and true moments of cinematic history. Also, every goddamn body who knows me says that I am the real life embodiment of Clementine (and not just because of the hair).
  • Amélie: Let's forget for one moment how goddamn beautiful it is to just look at okay? Because it fucking well is the most beautiful film ever. She's an oddball, he's an oddball...and it's so freakin' sweet that I'm sure I have diabetes every time I finish watching it...which is a lot! It will give hope to the hopeless.
  • MirrorMask and Stardust: Written by Neil Gaiman...and that's all you need to know. Escape into the fantasy.
  • Bright Star: You think YOUR love life is sad and worthy of tears? You ain't got shit on John Keats and Fanny Brawne so sit down and shut up and get ready to see some REAL heartbreak.
3. Get Drunk: Seriously. Lock the doors...hide your keys, phones, and modem...and just get 'toe up from the flo' up'....just remember what I learned in Neurochemistry class...take an aspirin before you start drinking...hydrate A LOT...and when you wake up hungover, eat whatever your body seems to be craving because it probably contains what you need to feel better.

4. Video Games: You guys. When I start a new game...time flies by. I can sit down at 2 in the afternoon and before I know it it's four in the goddamn morning. I'm partial to World of Warcraft. It's my favorite drug and I'm a complete junkie for it. It's been about 2 months since I've played, and I'm just about ready to start blowing dudes behind Kmart for WoW time. Fable III rocks my socks as well.

5. Be Surly: If you want to be in a bad mood, then by god be in a bad mood. I'm not one of these you-must-always-be-happy-and-positive-rainbows-shooting-out-of-your-ass-kumbaya-The-Secret-hippies...like my mother. You have every right to be a ball of dark, squiggly, rage and loathing. Be a snarky little bitch/bastard...just don't mess with me or I'll make you cry.

6. Polyamory: Find yourself a nice couple who has been at this for a while and be their unicorn. You'll never regret it.

7. Alien Abduction: If you can swing this, it's sure to make for an intresting day. If you stumble upon The Doctor...you'd better DAMN WELL make sure he comes by to pick me up as well...or we are no longer friends. Just watch out for those aliens who are all about probing and mutilation...unless you're into that sort of thing, far be it from me to criticize.


8. Candy: Concentrate on the fact that over the next few days, all that good candy is going to be marked down again and again until it's ridiculously cheap. All those expensive Russell Stover candies in those ridiculous heart shaped boxes? Yeah, they'll practically be giving them away...and you can sit and eat all of it while singing Nirvana....or is it just me that does that?

9. Zombie Survival Plan: Now would be an excellent time to refine...and even practice...your survival plan for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse. The first ones to be savagely torn apart by the undead during the early days of the Z.A. will be those who were woefully unprepared for it's arrival. Constant vigilance, my friends!

10. Act like me for a day: Don't crawl out of bet until waaaaay after noon...roam around the house in your trashiest lingerie...sport some serious bed head all day...have 'coffee' or 'tea' quite often (that's coffee or tea spiked with the booze of your choice)...sit at your computer staring at a blank word document for half the evening and yell at anyone who disturbs you while you're 'working' on your manuscript...watch a fuckton of Supernatural/Doctor Who/Sherlock...and go to bed around 4am with your B.O.B...



Iconic Marquee said...

I stayed up all night before Valentine's Day with my friends, slept through it, and now it's Wednesday.

Apparently Valentine's Day was yesterday? Huh, who knew? :P

Whiskey Sour said...

Heh, yeah. I slept through most of it too.

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