Tuesday, January 10, 2012

♫...Moonlight and magnolia, starlight in your hair...♫


I thought about making this Tuesday Ten "Ten Ways I Will Make The Next Person Who Keeps Me From Finishing Mockingjay Suffer", as I'm only 150 pages away from finishing (I read all of Catching Fire and all but 150 pages of Mockingjay in ONE DAY...because I'm badass and I read fast...because I read a whole HELL of a lot...but I digress...). Instead, I decided to go with

10 Ways Alabama Makes Me Want To Stab Myself In The Face With A Rusty Spoon

1. The Weather. We have two seasons in Alabama: Slightly Cool and GD-MOTHER-HUMPING-BURN-MY-FACE-OFF Hot. It's motherf'ing JANUARY and I've had my windows up and fan on for the last four days. It's been nearly 70 degrees.

2. Obnoxious Football Fans: Notice I didn't say all football fans...obnoxious covers 90% of them though. It doesn't matter if their team wins or loses, I always have to hear/see vile, obnoxious comments spewing from their tiny brains. Example, when LSU beat Alabama a few months ago someone wrote as their facebook status that they hoped the LSU coach drank a huge cup of AIDS. There is so many things wrong with that that I can't even begin to discuss them without my blood pressure skyrocketing. It was only one of a million offensive things I heard then. Fast forward to last night and today, after Alabama beat LSU, the things I've heard have been just as bad. Grow the fuck up and get a life, people. It's just a game.

3. Six Flags Over Jesus: There is a church on every corner. I'm not exaggerating. I have nothing against people exercising their right to worship their chosen religion. I DO have something against people who try to stick their noses in my business, or persecute others because their beliefs are different. The mentality of most Southern Baptist Churches has become 'You're either with us, or against us'. An organization that shuns or sees people who decide to leave it as an enemy is not an organization that I want any part of...and I have seen it happen live and in living color. I'm down with Jesus, nothing against him...but the way the church is now, I have little doubt that he would not want any part of it himself. I think it's 100% possible to have beliefs, strong beliefs, and not have anything to do with organized religion. It sickens me when I hear people talk about how they need to save the godless heathens who have beliefs different from their own. I think what I believe was summed up best by Elizabeth Gilbert:
The Hopi Indians thought that the world’s religions each contained one spiritual thread, and that these threads are always seeking each other, wanting to join. When all the threads are finally woven together they will form a rope that will pull us out of this dark cycle of history and into the next realm. More contemporarily, the Dalai Lama has repeated the same idea, assuring his Western students repeatedly that they needn’t become Tibetan Buddhists in order to be his pupils. He welcomes them to take whatever ideas they like out of Tibetan Buddhism and integrate these ideas into their own religious practices. Even in the most unlikely and conservative of places, you can find sometimes this glimmering idea that God might be bigger than our limited religious doctrines have taught us. In 1954, Pope Pius XI, of all people, sent some Vatican delegates on a trip to Libya with these written instructions: “Do NOT think that you are going among Infidels. Muslims attain salvation, too.The ways of Providence are infinite.” 
But doesn’t that make sense? That the infinite would be, indeed … infinite? That even the most holy amongst us would only be able to see scattered pieces of the eternal picture at any given time? And that maybe if we could collect those pieces and compare them, a story about God would begin to emerge that resembles and includes everyone? And isn’t our individual longing for transcendence all just part of this larger human search for divinity? Don’t we each have the right to not stop seeking until we get as close to the source of wonder as possible? Even if it means coming to India and kissing trees in the moonlight for a while?
4. The Politics: Alabama politicians are extremely conservative. As far as they are concerned there is NO separation of church and state. Our Governor, who is a Baptist deacon, stood up at his inauguration and declared that only Christians are his brothers and sisters. I won't even get into the whole Roy Moore debacle. Religion has no place in politics... especially when I KNOW that they would use their religious beliefs to deny a woman her right to choose (even when her life is on the line) and they would make it illegal to have a relationship with someone of the same sex because they seem to think the Bible says that it's wrong. Get off your high horse, take a long look at yourself first, keep your beliefs off my rights, and do your damn job. I write my Representatives and Senator constantly, and the responses I receive spell out, plain and simple, that they cater to the religious right in our state because that's who keeps them in office.

5. Sexism, Racism, Homophobia: If you think there isn't any...you're fucking kidding yourself.

6. Everyone seems to think sex toys are illegal here: It's technically illegal to sell them, as I've explained before, but we have amazing stores that get around that by selling them for 'medical purposes'. It is NOT illegal to own them...and you CAN order them online. I have before, and I will again. You can order them from Good Vibrations, Toys in Babeland, Adam and Eve, and a special favorite of mine (who I hope to write for someday soon) EdenFantasys. Stop what you're doing and go order some...and send some to me while you're at it.
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7. Hart of Dixie: I.fucking.HATE.that.show. It is not an accurate portrayal of Alabama. No, I doubt the people who write it have even been to Alabama. What it is, is a mockery...a poorly written, poorly acted farce that attempts to 'poke fun' at the South without knowing anything real about the South, and based completely on stereotypes. I may hate living here, but by god if you haven't lived here, don't you dare fucking try to make fun of it. It does not belong on the air, let alone the same station as my sweet Supernatural. I hope it dies...bloody. 

8. Trader Joe's and Whole Foods: The closed damn Trader Joe's is in Atlanta, Georgia...and there's only ONE Whole Foods in the ENTIRE state! This causes me to have to get groceries at that evil corporation known as Walmart.

9. NO ONE comes here: Bands or otherwise. I normally have to travel to Atlanta, Nashville, or Knoxville to see any of my favorite bands play. Also, when Neil Gaiman (who I love more than anyone or anything...no I'm not obsessive, LEAVE ME ALONE) finally came to the state, he said that the reason he had never been here before (I'm paraphrasing) was that he was told we would have no interest in hearing him! HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING GOD! Not everyone in this state is a drooling neanderthal...but that's the reputation we have, so we often get gypped entertainment wise.

10. This:



2 comments:

Amanda said...

Most of the above is why I couldn't wait to get out of Alabama! But instead of somewhere awesome, I ended up in this Godforsaken hellhole. I hate it here so much, I WANT to move back to Alabama!

p.s. I love football. A lot. Sorry.

Ruby LeBeau said...

Don't apologize! I have nothing against people who like football!...just people who go insane and throw chairs through windows when their teams loose...or who have a kareoke marathon down the street from my house every game day...outside...and LOUD...so that it drives every single dog in our neighborhood INSANE!

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