Wednesday, December 21, 2011

♫...Self-obsessed and sexxee all the way...♫

  This year I've lost 40 lbs. Losing weight tends to be a full-time job for me....mainly because I LOVE FOOD...and I refuse to deny myself the fleeting happiness of eating an entire chocolate cake. So earlier this week, I made a quip about venturing into the world of self-help by writing my own weight loss book for women in their 30s. As with anything I do, it escalated into a full on, whiskey soaked, list of possible chapters, all with the undeniably twisted flair that I'm known for.


Losing Weight the Ruby Way
(possible chapters)


Chapter 1: Lock anyone who hinders your progress, in ANY way, in the basement until your goal is reached.


Chapter 2: Calorie Counting + Exercise or "Will this Zumba class work off all those whiskey sours I just drank?"


Chapter 3: Huge Boobs and Exercise: How not to kill yourself or maim others.


Chapter 4: Zen and the art of not brutally murdering the person who brought home doughnuts and ice cream.


Chapter 5:  How imagining kicking the guy who called you fat in the balls can be an excellent motivator.


Chapter 6: Your Exercise Playlist: All the songs you would never want ANYONE to know you listen to.

Chapter 7: Yoga: Your sex life will never be the same.


Chapter 8: Exercising + Sexual Fantasies: You're going to be breathing heavy anyway, so why not?


Chapter 9: An Exercise Bucket List: Mine has burlesque, strip aerobics, and pole dancing classes on it.


Appendix A: Nutritional Information for Alcoholic Beverages


Appendix B: Your weight and the coming Zombie Apocalypse: Why it matters


Appendix C: My contact information (Twitter, Tumblr, etc) So we can have drinks and bitch about our ups and downs.
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