Wednesday, December 21, 2011

♫...Self-obsessed and sexxee all the way...♫

  This year I've lost 40 lbs. Losing weight tends to be a full-time job for me....mainly because I LOVE FOOD...and I refuse to deny myself the fleeting happiness of eating an entire chocolate cake. So earlier this week, I made a quip about venturing into the world of self-help by writing my own weight loss book for women in their 30s. As with anything I do, it escalated into a full on, whiskey soaked, list of possible chapters, all with the undeniably twisted flair that I'm known for.

Losing Weight the Ruby Way
(possible chapters)

Chapter 1: Lock anyone who hinders your progress, in ANY way, in the basement until your goal is reached.

Chapter 2: Calorie Counting + Exercise or "Will this Zumba class work off all those whiskey sours I just drank?"

Chapter 3: Huge Boobs and Exercise: How not to kill yourself or maim others.

Chapter 4: Zen and the art of not brutally murdering the person who brought home doughnuts and ice cream.

Chapter 5:  How imagining kicking the guy who called you fat in the balls can be an excellent motivator.

Chapter 6: Your Exercise Playlist: All the songs you would never want ANYONE to know you listen to.

Chapter 7: Yoga: Your sex life will never be the same.

Chapter 8: Exercising + Sexual Fantasies: You're going to be breathing heavy anyway, so why not?

Chapter 9: An Exercise Bucket List: Mine has burlesque, strip aerobics, and pole dancing classes on it.

Appendix A: Nutritional Information for Alcoholic Beverages

Appendix B: Your weight and the coming Zombie Apocalypse: Why it matters

Appendix C: My contact information (Twitter, Tumblr, etc) So we can have drinks and bitch about our ups and downs.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...