Tuesday, November 8, 2011

♫...big Zombie makes a night of it...♫


Ten Items That Would Be A Useful Addition To Your Zombie Apocalypse Bug-Out-Bag
(for us Lovely, Badass, Zombie Slaying Ladies)
(These are just little 'extras' to add to an already prepared B.O.B.)

1. Menstrual Cup: I've extolled the virtues of my DivaCup for regular, everyday, zombie-free life. So, consider this: Would you rather have to carry around multiple feminine hygiene products while fleeing the undead, and constantly worry about whether or not you will be able to get your hands on more OR would you rather carry around one or two little rubber cups that, with care and proper sanitation, will keep for quite a long time? No brainer, ladies. Go ahead and stick a few in your B.O.B.

2. Condoms: Don't tell me that you think people are going to stop making sweet, sweet love just because there are hordes of zombies swarming the planet looking for fresh meat to savagely rip apart and devour? Please. [PROOF] Danger and the threat of a gruesome death can act on you like an aphrodisiac. If you're lucky to be around someone that you can at least even remotely think about getting it on with, you're going to need to take precautions. Plus, there are always going to be those guys who don't have their own. These are the ones that will be all, "Come on, baby, it's the zombie apocalypse! It's not like I can stroll down to the store. Come on, we'll be okay." No. Be prepared. If there is anything worse than trying to survive in a world overrun with flesh eating, rotting, walking dead, it's trying to survive in a world overrun with flesh eating, rotting, walking dead while swollen with child, battling morning sickness and the myriad of other horrors that pregnancy brings with it. It's abstinence or being prepared. Which are you willing to live with?

3. Plan B: No, not having a Plan B. The pill, Plan B. For those moments when you've failed to heed the advice in #2 or something goes wrong. Reread #2 if you need to know why this is important. It's little, it won't take up much space in your B.O.B, and it's better to be safe than swollen to the size of a blimp and have zombies munching on your innards because you couldn't run!

4. Ponytail Holders: If you have long hair and you just can't bare the thought of cutting it all off...you'll want a butt-load of this little suckers. Chances are, you're not going to be able to wash your hair and if you have hair like mine, it's going to become so greasy that you'll be able to change the oil in someone's car with it. Put that greasy mess up in a braid or a ponytail or something....or cut it all off.

5. Your OWN weapon: Having a method of defending yourself against zombies is a no-brainer and should already be an integral part of your survival plan and B.O.B., but I am listing it here because I want it make it CLEAR. You.need.your.OWN.weapon. Don't count on someone else (husband, brother, father, me) to protect you.

6. GoGirl or something like it: Again, this list isn't about NECESSITIES...it's about things that would make life a bit easier. GoGirl is a feminine urination device. In other words, it allows you to pee standing up. It's mess free, hygienic, discreet.  It frees you up from having to squat in the woods with your pants around your ankles (trying not to pee on yourself), and let's face it, that's a good way of getting yourself eaten by zombies. Imagine for a moment that you are squatting in the woods and up pops a zombie or two, you could end up tripping over your pants in a hurry to get away and wind up as zombie chow. It would be nice to have a device like this on hand...or learn how to pee standing up some other way...

7. Good chapstick: I know it's the Zombie Apocalypse, but there is no need to exacerbate things by having horribly chapped lips. Also, you can use a good chapstick on any other parts that might become chapped as well.

8. Wipes: Baby wipes/Paper Soap Sheets/Paper Shampoo...or whatever. Again, this should probably already be in your B.O.B.. You're not going to have the convenience of a bath or shower anymore, and you probably won't always be near an uncontaminated water source. This would allow you to clean up a bit from time to time.

9. A bra with excellent support: You need a bra that is going to be able to support you while running for your life. If you're like me and have huge knockers, you going to want something that will reign those puppies in, keep them from bouncing all over the place, and offers superb support. I have to exercise wearing 3 bras. You do what it takes to keep them from flying up and knocking you the hell out when you have to run.

10. Basic, common-fucking-sense: This is not something you can pack, but if you don't have it you're not going to need a B.O.B. anyway.


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