Saturday, February 12, 2011

♫...I'm your blood stained valentine...♫

Dear Valentine's Day,

Starting the day after New Year's Day I can't  seem go anywhere without being assaulted by your garish display of red, pink and white hearts soaking every store I am forced to visit in your candy coated evil. By the time February 14th actually rolls around I am so nauseated by the sight of all things 'Valentine's Day' that I morph into some kind of Valentine's Day grinch who goes around popping heart shaped balloons, sticking my fingers in all the chocolates and then leaving only the icky orange creme filled ones behind, and watering the lovely flowers with bleach.

In short, I hate you.

You aren't even a real holiday! At least not in this day and age. No, in today's society your only purpose is to make people buy a bunch of candy they don't need, and/or stuffed animals that gyrate their hips to slightly suggestive songs....or to make single people feel like drowning themselves in the kitchen sink...all in the name of love.  And, honestly, I am happy being single. I would rather drink bleach than be in a relationship right if you make ME sick I can only imagine the soul crushing horror that you hold for those individuals who desperately long to be in a relationship.

Furthermore, if someone needs a 'holiday' to remind them to let the special people in their lives know that they love them....or it's the only day of the year they bother trying to be remotely romantic...they have more problems than I can, professionally, help them with. ALSO, do you think it's wise to inflict yourself on the single people of the population and then provide them with cheap candies? We already have an obesity epidemic!

You are nothing but a tacky whore, Valentine's Day. A dirty, tacky obnoxious little whore!

So...on Monday I will not partake in any of your foolishness. I will not gorge myself on chocolate. I will not watch anything that is even remotely kin to a romance/romantic comedy.  I will not lament my singleness...and the only love poem I would even consider writing would be to my Clarisonic....because, let's face it, my most successful and beneficial relationship has been with it.

If Cupid even so much as looks at me sideways, I will kick him in the balls...DO YOU HEAR ME?

I'm going to spend my entire Valentine's Day in my pajamas, sans makeup, with messy hair...and with three gorgeous men by the name of Dean, Sam and Castiel...


and I will end the day by drunkingly making out with my computer screen...

...but I never need a special occasion to do that.

Please rabid, attention seeking, capitalistic, tacky whore,



Amanda said...

Jack Daniels and TWINKIES. Hell to the yeah. Except the Twinkies. They really freak me out.

Ruby LeBeau said...

I know, right! Twinkies would survive anything...have you seen Zombieland?

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