Thursday, January 19, 2017

♫...You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back...♫

One thing I've learned from this last break up is how to cut off people at the least little sign that they are using me or taking me for granted, lying to me, or treating me in any way that makes me feel hurt.
Doesn't matter if it's friends, family, lovers, or people I'm dating. Once you make me feel insignificant or worthless, I'm done with you. I will cut all emotional ties. The end.

Good or bad, I've decided that not everyone deserves my presence in their lives. I have amazing friends, we don't always agree and we can annoy the ever-loving-fuck out of each other...but they never make me feel like less than an amazing person. They don't take advantage of me, or lie to me. I am truly grateful for them. Then there a people who come into my life, gain my trust...and then lie to me constantly. Like, I'm not worse than the FBI, CIA, and NSA put together. I notice the least little change in behavior. I know how to uncover what you're really doing via social's not that goddamn hard when it's there for the whole world to see if they just look. There's nothing I hate more than being lied to, and I was born with one superpower: I know when people are lying. Lie to me, and I'm done with you. I will never believe you again.

If you treat me like I'm insignificant, like I'm replaceable, like a piece of trash you can just throw away without matter what our relationship is...we're done. I might not have the healthiest self-esteem, but if I give you my time you're goddamn lucky to have it. If you're lucky enough to have me, and you choose to lie to me and make me feel replaceable and don't get to have me again. Ever. End of discussion. Shoulda stopped to think about how much you'd regret it later (seriously, they always come back at least once). Fuck off.

The difference is, I'm not going to sit around and be sad about it. I'm not going to mope and investigate and cry. I'm just done. I'll sever the attachment, and you will not have access to me, my attention, my time ever again.

Monday, January 16, 2017

♫...A familiar taste of poison...♫

I am broken.
No, it's true.
Something in me has been permanently damaged. You don't give someone every good part of you, have them throw it all back in your face as if it were worthless, and walk away the same. You don't believe every promise and every 'I love you' completely, find out you were lied to and cheated on, and not have your ability to trust another person decimated. 
I have nice, great guys who want to take me out on real dates...something I haven't experienced in YEARS. Yet, I can't bring myself to do it because I'm too fuckimg damaged. How can I let someone into my life with the fear that I'll only end up doing to them what was done to me? How can I be so selfish as to think I deserve love when I'm not sure I'm even capable of feeling that anymore? 
I'm damaged...broken....too destroyed to deserve to be loved.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

♫...Give me a reason to act like I care cause I won't...♫

Ah, that moment when you finally have proof that your gut was right all along.

Some well meaning friends clued me into something this morning that showed me once and for all that the suspicions I have had since February/March were dead on.

I can forgive a lot...but not being repeatedly lied to and taken advantage of.

I just don't fucking care anymore.
About the situation.
About how I was treated.
About all the lies.
About the unfaithfulness.
About all the bullshit.
About him.

Congratulations. The girl who tries to see the best in everyone, no matter what, finally thinks you're a piece of shit.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

♫...I wanna be naughty, not nice...♫

10 Things I Want From Santa

Here's my Goddamn Christmas List

1. A February 2017 Miracle: I understand this will be delayed, because that's what I'm asking for. It'll be like waiting on something that isn't coming via Amazon Prime. I'm buying a house after February 15th. I want to suddenly find the most perfect little house, with a fenced in back yard, in the area of town that I spend all my time in.

2. Spending More Time On That Good Stuff: ...and by 'good stuff' I mean, OH MY GOD,

3. World Peace: All you motherfuckers need to calm the fuck down, drink some whiskey and leave everyone the goddamn hell alone. I live on this fucking planet, and goddamn it I can barely survive if I'm mildly am I supposed to live if you fuckers turn this into some kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland? I'm not as young and nubile as I used to be. I can't rely on prostitution to live...and that's really my only useful skill set.

4. Calorieless Pizza That Tastes Like The Real Thing: Seriously now. It's almost 2017. Why does food still have calories? Everything should be created so that no animals are harmed, and nothing has calories. GET ON THAT.

5. Boob job: I'm 37, y'all. While some people are quite enamored with my ta-tas, I'd like them lifted a little. I'm not asking to look 18 again...but these suckers are huge as hell, and I'd appreciate gravity not being such a goddamn bitch.

6. Whiskey: All the whiskey. I'm going to horde it. I have a feeling that a goddamn apocalypse is about to start, and since I'm unlikely to survive for a myriad of reasons, I want to go out as drunk as humanly possible, on my favorite liquor.

7. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: The procedure from the movie rather. While I have completely gotten over certain situations, I would much rather completely forget some people exist at all.

8. Ranch: To be precise, a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch that is always full. No matter how often I use it (and I will use it a fuckton) it will always be full...never empty...and it will shock the holy-ever-loving-hell out of anyone who touches it without permission.

9. Disney Princess Vibes: I want all the animals to love me. Cats, dogs, goats, chickens, squirrels, wolves, monkeys, freakin' goddamn ladybugs...ALL.THE.ANIMALS.

10. Full Stop: No more periods. I can't have kids...and I don't want to deal with the mess when I'm having my lady cave filled to the brim with the most goddamn perfect penis I've ever encountered. So, just fucking stop with the crimson tide, Mother Nature...and let a ho be a ho...ho.

Monday, December 12, 2016

♫...You can turn a phrase until it reads a million ways...♫

The weather is putting me into a funk today. I can't find the right words to write about the things I want to write about. So I thought I would share a few of my favorite pieces of writing by some amazing women.

Friday, December 9, 2016

♫...the smell of whiskey on his hands...♫

You remind me of my favorite whiskey
so easy to get blindingly drunk on
as soon as you touch my lips.
Warm. Intoxicating. Sensuous. 
You're a vice I can't help but to indulge.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

♫...I handled it just great I'm even kind of disappointed...♫

Here's an update on Monday's post.

This post is going to give you way too much information about my lady parts, so proceed with caution.

I didn't get to put the sponge to use. I mean, I got it in place, but due to a series of unfortunate events, I didn't get to try it out. However, I do have a bit more information on the process. First of all, I ordered a large and a small. I thought the large would be's goddamn huge and my lady cave isn't as cavernous as I thought, so I opted for the small last night. I soaked it in cold water for a while because I was informed that cold water would slow my flow. Now, even after soaking up some water and being wrung out, the thing is a still a bit, shall we say, dry as fuck. So, I used some coconut oil, and shoved that thing on up into place. TMI Warning: I don't have a shallow vag so I had to do some finagling to get it up to my cervix. No biggie, I'm in it to win it. Ain't nothing gonna break-a my stride, nobody gonna slow me down, oh no. Except maybe my plans getting cancelled. Major bummer. Alrighty then, time to fish this thing out. From reading the reviews, I was prepared for a struggle...and at first I did have a moment of terror that I wasn't going to be able to grasp it. After propping one leg up on the bathroom counter and doing a kind of squatting maneuver, I am happy to say that I was able to grasp enough of the sponge to remove it. Yay for me. Lets go eat our weight in pasta now.

One additional note, mixing unflavored gelatin with water, and drinking it will slow/stop your period for a few hours. It takes a few hours after you drink it to start working, and is one of the most vile tasting things I have ever had the displeasure of putting in my mouth, but it works. I was experiencing a heavy flow day, and mixed a packet with water at about 5:30pm. It foams up. Like really good bubble bath. Bubble bath probably tastes better. I choked the stuff down, gagging several times, and convinced that I was going to throw it all up. It's best to make sure it's all mixed together VERY WELL, and drink it as quickly as possible. Around 8pm it seemed to be slowing, but not to my satisfaction. So, because I'm a fan of overkill, I mixed up another round. This time I took what was left of my poweraid, and dumped another packet into the bottle. After shaking the ever loving hell out of it, I was left with a foamy pink fruit punch concoction. It did taste better than the plain water mixture. By 9pm the tide of crimson was still flowing, but not to the extent that I thought it would burst through the sponge, and ruin my night. Didn't get to test that theory, but I can tell you that I woke up to my period having completely stopped at 6am. So, use that information however you like. Please don't let my experimentation and suffering have been in vain.

I hope someone somewhere finds this information useful.
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