Thursday, August 25, 2016

♫ set me free from everything I never really wanted to be...♫

I can with all honesty say that I'm not the same person I was a few months ago.
There are parts of me that are still the same...but a huge portion of who I am is a vastly different creature.
While I do mourn losing some of the girl I was, I'm beginning to enjoy the woman I've become.

I will not beg.
I will not wait.
I will not spill my heart out unless specifically asked to.
I know that I am 100% responsible for my own happiness.
I will not sacrifice who I am, or what I want while caring for anyone else.
I will never lose myself in a relationship again.
I will live my life the way I want, and you can either accept it or fuck off.

I'm a lot stronger...and much more confident in who I am.

My relationships (friends/family/romantic) have benefited from this transformation. I've learned to set boundaries, and not tolerate it when people habitually cross them. I've learned that it's okay to say 'no', and concentrate on what I need. I've learned how to care for other people, and still be my own person/care for myself. I've learned that I have to make myself happy first.

I don't need another person to be happy.
I. do. not. need. you.
If you're in my life, it's because I want you there...otherwise I will not bother trying. If I start to feel like I'm being taken advantage of or treated unkindly I will remove you from my life, and not look back.
I know my worth. I know what I bring to the table, as they say.
I'm goddamn glorious and magical.
It's because I know my worth that I get to say what's good for me...I get to determine what I will and will not tolerate...I say what I deserve.

These days, I'm very particular about who I allow into my life. I have no problem at all not returning messages I don't want to return, or sitting my ass at home with my cat and chickens (or going out alone). So, if I talk to you, if I hang out with you, I 100% legitimately want you in my life...I think you deserve to be in my life. I have no problem cutting people out of my life, so if I make an effort with you, you mean something to me.

I'm going to live my life. I'm going to do what's best for me. I'm going to enjoy myself as much as possible. If you want a place in all of that, great...make a place for yourself, and be honest and trustworthy. If you make a fucking mistake, fix it.

I don't ask anything that I wouldn't be willing to do myself.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

♫...I love you but you're standing on my foot...♫

Love has no goddamn sense.
It is beyond reason.
You can't explain it.

Person: Hey, so WHY THE GREAT HOLY FUCKING OZ are you in love with so-and-so?
Me: Fuck if I know. I just am...and you can fuck right off if you have a problem with it.
  I've been 'relationship counseling' a multitude of people lately, and it's clear to me that no relationship is easy. What looks like a clusterfuck of a relationship to everyone on the outside, is a special haven to those in it. They are willing to do what it takes to be together...because the thought of being without each other is too goddamn much to bear. Now, this goes without saying, but I'll say it: This does not apply to abusive relationships. There's no working that shit out. Trust me, I've been there.

  Sometimes you just love someone beyond all reason. You're willing to take chances with them that you never would have with anyone else in the past. You find yourself telling everyone in your life that this is what you want, and they can either fall in line or fuck off. Every instinct you have is on fire with the need to fight for it, and not let go.

  The motherfucking problem is when you're the only one fighting for it. If you are the only one of the two who is standing firm saying, "Fuck everything else. I'm going to fight for this, and do whatever it takes to make it work" you eventually start to feel like a goddamn idiot. I have no problem (when asked) spilling my guts, and being completely honest about how I feel. If I want something, I'm going to be all in. Fuck pride. Fuck what anyone else thinks. Fuck whatever is standing in the way. Unfortunately, not everyone is as militant in their feelings as I am. They're not going to want to be straight forward about how they truly feel, or they are not going to have the guts to do what needs to be done.

  I want what I want, and I don't care what anyone else thinks. However, I'm not going to wait around forever. In the past I've been all 'Pick me. Choose me. Love me.", and been willing to wait for the other person to realize I'm worth fighting for. That's not how it is these days. I'm not going to beg ever again. Hell, I'm probably not going to say any goddamn thing at all unless blatantly asked. I'll live my life, and eventually someone else will see what a goddamn delight I am. There's no way in hell I'm going to wait forever when someone is not all in. Don't meely mouth around, and offer 'I want to, but...' nonsense. You either do want something, and you're willing to step out of your comfort zone for a minute in order to get it...or you goddamn don't, and you should stop being a fucker.

Goddamn! Life is too fucking short for this nonsense.

Monday, August 22, 2016

♫...Accommodative but uncreative...♫

People are just going to have to get used to the fact that I am going to do whatever the hell I want to do, even if they think it's a bad idea. My friends and family are amazing, and I love them dearly...but I don't have to always do what they think I should do.

Who has to live my life? I do.

I've spent a lot of time putting everyone else, and their wants/needs/opinions first...and that is over. Even if I find myself in a relationship again, I will still do what I think is best for me and my goals.

My happiness is my responsibility.

It's perfectly goddamn okay to put yourself first. I have learned (in the hardest ways possible) that you can't constantly put someone else's needs ahead of your own. If you're constantly taking care of others, and never taking care of yourself, you're quickly going to find that you have nothing left to give to anyone. This is no bueno.

Now, some of you are probably saying, 'But...but...isn't is selfish to put yourself first in a relationship?'.
No. It's not.
You can be there for someone, and they can be a priority...while still making yourself a priority. If you're constantly putting someone else's needs ahead of your own you're going to find yourself mired down in a whole mess of unhappiness and resentment...sinking like Atreyu stuck in the Swamp of Sadness watching Atrex struggle and die (It'll be equally as traumatic as watching that too). Not only that, too often the people you continually put ahead of yourself will develop a complete lack of appreciation (or even respect) for you. That doesn't make for a healthy relationship with anyone...and you know whose fault it is? Your own. Yes, that's right. It's my own goddamn fault that I've put others needs far, far ahead of my own. I accept the blame. No one made me do it. It was just how I thought I should be. A lot of us girls in the South grew up with this idea that we have to be 'pleasing', and take care of everyone.  I've had to teach myself that it's okay to put myself and my needs first sometimes.

I'm not advocating being a completely selfish little cunt...what I'm saying is that it's okay to make yourself, your goals and dreams, a priority. It is completely possible to have an equal measure of care for yourself and for your loved ones. One person should not be doing all the work/care in any type of relationship.

As for me, a relationship will never again be my main source of fulfillment. I'll never lose myself again by making someone else the center of my world, concentrating completely on their happiness to the detriment of my own. I'll never neglect my friends again. I'll always make time to do the things that I love. This is not selfish. This is self care.

You don't ever need to sacrifice who you are to be a couple...or a friend...or a good child.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Friday, August 19, 2016

♫...Give us back our sins, deadly one through seven...♫

7 Deadly Sins Edition

Gluttony: I can eat a whole pizza by myself in one sitting. Usually with ranch dressing. Maybe even some crazy bread...and half a pan of brownies. I LOVE FOOD, GODDAMN. JESUS, GET OFF MY BACK.

Greed: My mom says I'm extremely generous because I like to buy things for other people. I'm very greedy with my books though. I don't like lending them out. I am Smaug, and my books are my horded Dwarven treasure. I just lost 3 of my favorite books in the breakup because I really just didn't want to have to deal with going to get them/seeing him at the time. A great example of why I don't fucking lend my books out!!

Sloth: Sweet baby velociraptor Jesus on pizza crust, I am so goddamn tired lately that I don't feel like doing anything. I need to clean my room, but all I seem capable of doing is laying on my bed with a chicken perched on my leg, a cat draped across my head...and a pizza box on my stomach.

Wrath: When I get angry...I get really, scary, Hulk SMASH type angry. When I went through the anger stage of my recent breakup it was REALLY REALLY bad. I mentioned in a previous post that my parents bought me a big ass knife for my 'bug-out-bag'. They wouldn't let me have it (or see it) because they felt like I was too stabby, and the source of my wrath lived too close. I'm completely over it now, and I don't really get angry over anything anymore...except abuse (people and animals). I will fucking unleash my wrath on anyone who harms another living being. 

Envy: I am envious of people who can style their own goddamn hair so perfectly. Mine always looks like it's been styled by a 5 year old on a sugar high, or an act of Mother a hurricane. I just bought a good quality wig...that's how bad I am at doing my own hair.

Pride: I'm going to be painfully honest for a second. After breaking down and begging my ex not to leave me when he finally broke up with me, I felt like I had zero pride left. It was the worst goddamn feeling ever. So, I'm not going to feel bad at all when I have a sense of pride in how I look, how I feel, or the things I accomplish. I may even feel an overblown sense of pride at little things I do, IDGAF. I'm goddamn awesome, gorgeous, funny as fuck, and anyone who has a problem with my attitude can kiss my nicely shaped ass.

Lust: Yes, all I think about is sex. All day, every day. There's a 99% chance I'm thinking about having sex with my crush/celebrity crush at any given moment (the other 1% is food). No apologies. 

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

♫...Oh no..I am starting to believe the advertisements...♫

I've lost 120lbs over the last few years. It's been a constant struggle between my self-discipline, and the fact that I goddamn love me some good food. I was an emotional eater though, eating more more than I should in order to fill a gaping void in my life. My weight got to the point where I was struggling to breathe and walk.
The other day a friend, who I hadn't seen in years, pointed out to me that I look like a completely different person. The truth of the matter is, I don't see it most of the time. There are days when I still feel like I'm my 220lb self, struggling to walk through Walmart, and too self-conscious to go to events around town. I will find out that someone is interested in dating me, and my first thought is 'why?'. The mental part has been harder than the physical aspect of losing weight. It's a daily thing, teaching myself to not think negatively about my body. My self-worth isn't tied to my weight anymore. That is something I've learned throughout this weight loss experience, but it's still very easy to slip back into that way of thinking when I'm not careful. Yes, I've lost most of the weight I wanted to lose, but I still have a belly pooch that's covered in stretchmarks...and I've had to teach myself that that's okay. It doesn't make me any less worthy of love and happiness. The thought that I have to have a flat, toned, unmarked stomach in order to be beautiful is something that I've struggled with most of my life...and I still do. There are so many women in my life who I think are beautiful, magical creatures, and they don't have flat, magazine perfect stomachs. So, why do I still think that I can't be beautiful without one? It's ridiculous. I'm beautiful just the way I am, and I should be proud of what I've accomplished. If someone doesn't think I'm desirable because I have a belly pooch, stretchmarks, etc...well, they don't deserve the pleasure of being naked with me. From now on, I will not be ashamed of my body, I will celebrate it, and I will act like the beautiful badass that I am. The most important thing I've learned is that it's not the number on the scale, or the size dress your wear that makes you's how you see yourself, your confidence, and your kindness to yourself and others.
I'm still gonna post my transformation pics though.

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