Friday, December 9, 2016

♫...the smell of whiskey on his hands...♫

You remind me of my favorite whiskey
so easy to get blindingly drunk on
as soon as you touch my lips.
Warm. Intoxicating. Sensuous. 
You're a vice I can't help but to indulge.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

♫...I handled it just great I'm even kind of disappointed...♫

Here's an update on Monday's post.

This post is going to give you way too much information about my lady parts, so proceed with caution.

I didn't get to put the sponge to use. I mean, I got it in place, but due to a series of unfortunate events, I didn't get to try it out. However, I do have a bit more information on the process. First of all, I ordered a large and a small. I thought the large would be's goddamn huge and my lady cave isn't as cavernous as I thought, so I opted for the small last night. I soaked it in cold water for a while because I was informed that cold water would slow my flow. Now, even after soaking up some water and being wrung out, the thing is a still a bit, shall we say, dry as fuck. So, I used some coconut oil, and shoved that thing on up into place. TMI Warning: I don't have a shallow vag so I had to do some finagling to get it up to my cervix. No biggie, I'm in it to win it. Ain't nothing gonna break-a my stride, nobody gonna slow me down, oh no. Except maybe my plans getting cancelled. Major bummer. Alrighty then, time to fish this thing out. From reading the reviews, I was prepared for a struggle...and at first I did have a moment of terror that I wasn't going to be able to grasp it. After propping one leg up on the bathroom counter and doing a kind of squatting maneuver, I am happy to say that I was able to grasp enough of the sponge to remove it. Yay for me. Lets go eat our weight in pasta now.

One additional note, mixing unflavored gelatin with water, and drinking it will slow/stop your period for a few hours. It takes a few hours after you drink it to start working, and is one of the most vile tasting things I have ever had the displeasure of putting in my mouth, but it works. I was experiencing a heavy flow day, and mixed a packet with water at about 5:30pm. It foams up. Like really good bubble bath. Bubble bath probably tastes better. I choked the stuff down, gagging several times, and convinced that I was going to throw it all up. It's best to make sure it's all mixed together VERY WELL, and drink it as quickly as possible. Around 8pm it seemed to be slowing, but not to my satisfaction. So, because I'm a fan of overkill, I mixed up another round. This time I took what was left of my poweraid, and dumped another packet into the bottle. After shaking the ever loving hell out of it, I was left with a foamy pink fruit punch concoction. It did taste better than the plain water mixture. By 9pm the tide of crimson was still flowing, but not to the extent that I thought it would burst through the sponge, and ruin my night. Didn't get to test that theory, but I can tell you that I woke up to my period having completely stopped at 6am. So, use that information however you like. Please don't let my experimentation and suffering have been in vain.

I hope someone somewhere finds this information useful.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

♫...For all the pain it's a goodbye...♫

Ah, 2016, you heartless, ungrateful, goddamn she beast from the lowest level of HELL. I'm so glad you're almost over.

If you've read through this blog, or been around for years (1st of all, I'm sorry) you know I don't believe in this 'new year, new me' bullshit. New Years does not automatically flip a switch and change everything. I'm ready to forget 95% of 2016 though...and I'm sure a whole fuckton of other people are too. 2016 has kicked the ever loving hell out of a lot of us.

From a personal level, this year has been eyeopening and heartbreaking and transformative. There is very little left of the woman I was when I rang in the new year. I'll be honest with you, New Year's Eve/Day was not happy for me. I let someone suck all the fun out of it, and continue that pattern for five more months. Letting it go on, and not ending it myself (before 2016 even happened) is one of my biggest regrets of the year.

I've learned quite a few things the hard way this year:

  • You can't always trust the person you want to trust most in the world.
  • You can open up to someone and share your darkest fears/past hurts with them, they can promise a million times that they will never do that to you, and then turn around and do every single thing they promised not to do.
  • Sometimes love is not enough.
  • People who abandon you at your lowest are not your friends. They should be regulated to the 'acquaintance' section, or removed from your life completely. 
  • Relationships are a roller coaster ride through hell if you're the only one putting forth any effort. 
  • Sometimes you're much better off with the one thing/person you thought you couldn't live without.
  • I'm capable of surviving things I thought would break me, and I come out of it a better person. I don't let my heartbreaks/disappointments make into less compassionate person. I sure as hell don't let them ruin the rest of my life.
  • Falling in love and being with someone who loves me would be nice...but it's not my only desire. I'm not going to pin all my happiness on it, and I'm not going to spend all my waking time thinking about/desiring it. It'll happen when it happens. Until them I'm having fun.
  • Being on my own, doing whatever the hell I want, with whomever the hell I want is fun. A whole lot more fun than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't treat you right.
  • I'm a badass. I'm hot. I create my own happiness. 
  • Just be who you are, and to hell with the people who have a problem with it. 

I'm not the woman I started the year as, but that's okay. You can go through your own personal hell and either let the flames destroy you, or like the phoenix, you can be reborn. I chose the latter. If you haven't been a part of my life over the last few months, you don't know me anymore.
Yes, I lost the person I thought was my best friend, and the love of my life. Yes, I had some horrible things done to me and said to me. Yes, I had my trust and my faith in love completely destroyed. However, I found out who my true friends are, I made some amazing new friends, and I became closer to some other friends. I've had some amazing experiences on my own and with others. I've embraced who I am, flaws and all...and I think I'm sexy as fuck even with my belly pooch. Just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm lonely. The best thing of all is that I'M BUYING A HOUSE! I just this morning turned in the final piece of paperwork needed to finish my mortgage pre-approval! I'm buying a house all on my own. It will be mine. All mine (well, mine and the bank's).  I make the rules!!! Yes, I'll be too broke to go out for a while, but this is a huge thing for that's been in the works for a long ass time. So, while 2016 has been a complete pain in the ass it has had things about it that have led me to a point of seeing positive changes begin to happen.

In conclusion (haha, feel like I'm back in college writing research papers), 2016 I'm not going to be sad to see you go. However, I am thankful for the lessons you've taught me...even though they hurt like a motherfucker at the time.

Monday, December 5, 2016

♫...No beginning, no end bleeding like a fountain pen...♫

Sex is fun.
Periods, not so much.
Sex on your period can be absolutely fucking amazing though. Orgasms can alleviate cramps and headaches. A lot of women find themselves really horny during their time of the month too. There are a host of benefits to getting it on while on  your period. I've gone into them before, there are a million articles on it all over the Internet. I'm not going to rehash all the good reasons why you should not stop having sex just because there are communists in the fun house.

I want to talk about why so many people don't.

We all know the reasons: The mess or 'ewww, it's gross!'. First of all, if you're in the 'eww, it's gross' category I'm going to assume you're too young to be having sex anyway. Have you ever had a guy cum inside of you, and then hours later when you've moved on to something else experience all of that suddenly just exit your lady cave, and roll down your legs? While you're talking to your mother who chooses to believe you're a 30-something year old virgin? Sex isn't always pretty and clean. Hell, if it's good sex we're both sweaty, and wet, with lots of saliva, and mascara running all down my face when it's over. A little bit of blood (it's never really as much as you think it's going to be) isn't any grosser than the other bodily fluids being exchanged.

That brings us to the 'mess' factor. First of all, like I said a moment ago, it's never as much blood as you probably expect it to be. It's not going to end up looking like a brutal crime scene. You can put a towel down if you're worried about your sheets. You can hop in the shower or the bath. I've had some success with ginger tea shortening and lightening my own period. There's a million and one ways to ease the 'it's so messy' mentality.

What I really want to talk about is sex on your period when you're not in a relationship. When you have a partner, or you're with a long term lover the towel/bath/just not caring aspect of the 'it's so messy' mentality is easier. It just is. You've probably gotten over any embarrassment you might feel. What about the times when you're just trying to get laid, or when you have a new lover that you're just not at that level of comfort with yet? There are ways and means. Now, people have told me that they have had great success with SoftCups or the Instead cups. Basically a band of plastic that slips up around your cervix that has this baggie thing attached. It's sorta like my Diva Cup in method of collection, but much less bulky in that your partner is not supposed to feel it. For me, this doesn't really work because the plastic band has a tendency to slip out of place when I'm in flagrante delicto. So, I went in search of something that would allow me to get my absolute freak on with no chance of leakage, and that my lucky partner would not notice at all. What did I find? Menstrual sponges. Yes. Sponges. I'm no stranger to a sponge. I actually use the Today Sponge contraceptive from time to time with much success. These sponges, however, are sea sponges. They come from a reputable company that does all the cleaning and trimming and whatnot for you. I did a lot of in-depth review stalking before I decided to give these a test run, and thanks to the modern marvel that is Cyber Monday I was able to order them in two different sizes for the price of one. According to the vast amount of reading I subjected myself to I found out that they are successful in blocking the crimson tide, and your partner shouldn't feel a thing. Now, the only drawback I read about is that if your partner is well endowed the sponge may get pushed pretty far back in the ol' tunnel of love...which might lead to me doing some pretty funky yoga moves to fish it out later.

So, the experimental plug has been procured. My period started today. I'm really hoping to hop on someone yummy soon. So, I'll let you guys know if it's a success, or if it's a bloody freakin' disaster.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

♫...Dopamine, moment free, drip I.V., drain this memory...♫

I've remembered you on this day every year since I was 14 years old.
Last year I thought it had all been for a reason.
This year, I wish I could forget.
Forget it all. Wipe my memory completely. All the memories are tainted.
I'm not in love with you anymore. I'm not sure at this point that I ever knew you really. I know you never really knew me.
The pain is still there. A dull ache. A still healing scab that I try not to pick at. I've tried all day to ignore it. Tonight I can't help but to make it bleed.
I still care. Maybe that will never stop.
I hope you had a good day, and that you really did find your one shot at happiness.
I can't forgive you for what you said and did to me though. I can move on and care about other people eventually. For now, I can enjoy letting someone else touch me physically...but I'll carry the scars you left me with forever.
I remember you today, but it is too painful a memory to keep holding on to.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

♫...I've given up on the past now I know that I need more this time...♫

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits. ~ Wikipedia 

  After my breakup earlier this year, a girlfriend recommended a book to me on creating and enforcing personal boundaries. In my relationship with my ex, I had few personal boundaries, and the ones I did have, I allowed to be crossed time and time again without consequence. It's not healthy. It does not make for a happy, well adjusted relationship. Something I had to learn is that setting personal boundaries is not selfish, and it is not asking too much of others. I tend towards a thought process of wanting to make everything easy for those around me (friends, family, lovers, partners), and go out of my way to ensure that I'm pleasing to be around.

  Over the last six months, I've learned that boundaries are essential to respectful, caring relationships of any kind. The saying 'what you allow is what will continue' is very true. If you allow someone to cross your boundaries without consequence, they will continue to do so. They will learn that they can treat you anyway they like, and you will do nothing about it.  As my self-esteem developed and blossomed, I realized that I deserve a lot more that what I've allowed in the past. Boundaries allow you to say, 'No. The way you're treating me here is not okay', and sets limits for what is acceptable and what is not. When my self-esteem was low, and I was afraid that the person I loved was going to leave me if I wasn't agreeable enough, I allowed myself to be treated in ways that left me hurt and unhappy. Not having personal boundaries, or having boundaries that you don't enforce, leaves you open to being taken advantage of and treated badly...over and over again. To me, setting boundaries is a matter of self-respect. I know my worth, and if someone is going to treat me in a way that I find unacceptable I will not allow that person to be a continued presence in my life. I no longer see that as my loss.

  Now that I know exactly what personal boundaries are, and how to establish and maintain them, I see things a lot differently. I am able to use them to keep myself out of situations that would put me right back in the type of relationship that makes me unhappy and taken advantage of. Finally, six months later, I am at the point where I feel completely healed, and I know that I'm better off. I'm taking this time to enjoy being on my own. As a single woman, I'm able to spend my time with whomever I want, doing whatever I want, without having to worry about someone else. I'm having fun, my needs are being met, I'm buying a house, and I don't feel the need to be in a committed relationship at this time. Dating just doesn't appeal to me in the least right now. That's not to say that someone couldn't come along tomorrow and completely change my view on that. The point is, that's my prerogative. When someone asks me out, I am upfront about how I feel right now. I tell them that I am just getting over a bad breakup, thank you for your interest, but I'm just focusing on myself right now. That should be it. If someone continues to try to make me change my mind, to continuously push their own agenda with no regard to my wishes, they are not respecting my boundaries. What they've done is ensure that I will never, ever, ever, EVER even consider going out with them or even hang out with them as friends. If someone is going to disregard my wishes as if I have no clue what I really want, that is not a pattern that is going to go away. I don't have the time or energy for that bullshit. This badass right here deserves better than that. If a guy asks me to do something, and I really really want to do it, I'm not going to play coy and say no in the hopes that he will keep asking. That's dumb. If I'm interested, I'm going to respond and respond immediately in a very obviously interested way. When I take a lover, it's one lover at a time, and it's someone who respects my boundaries. Someone who can't accept the boundary of 'I need some time to myself right now' would never ever be considered as an acceptable lover, and most definitely would not be acceptable to date when I'm ready.

Pushing my boundaries is a basically shooting yourself in the foot at this point.


Tuesday, November 22, 2016

♫...It's getting harder everyday to think of better things to say about what's going on around you...♫

Well...Thanksgiving is this week.
As a single, vegetarian, liberal living in the Heart of Dixie, all I can really say is FUCK THANKSGIVING. I preferred the last two years when my entire family went to the Smoky Mountains, and I stayed home with the animals. Me sleeping on an air mattress with my dogs, drinking whiskey, and eating veggie sushi was a great way to spend the holiday. I was thankful. Sitting around the table with a bunch of conservative, right-wing nut jobs who don't respect my dietary choices? Not so much.

I love my family. I do. I just don't agree with them on pretty much every moral/ethical/political topic known to man. I'm pretty sure they probably view me as some 'overly' educated, animal loving, tree-hugging, liberal elitist. Don't care. None of that is an insult to me.

I tried to get out of the whole Thanksgiving thing by telling my mother that I'm going out of town. Her response was that the whole reason they stayed in town was because of me. Lies and slander.

So, I guess I'm stuck having Thanksgiving with my teetotaling family. How do I survive? How do I manage to not scream at them for their narrow minded views and comments until they all fall into a food coma?
I've put a lot of thought into this, and have come up with the following.



I should just accept the sweet, cold embrace of death right now.

1. Jameson Irish Whiskey: My favorite whiskey. 

2. Jack Daniels: My 2nd favorite whiskey

3. Jim Beam: My 3rd favorite whiskey

4. Maker's Mark: My 4th favorite whiskey

5. Crown Royal: My 5th favorite whiskey

6. Grey Goose: My favorite vodka.

7. Peach Ciroc: My 2nd favorite vodka

8. Cathead Honeysuckle: My 3rd favorite vodka

9. Moonshine: the kind that gets you really fucked up.

10. Full frontal lobotomy
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