Wednesday, March 8, 2017

♫...Movin' up, lookout, here I come, Movin' up...♫

I feel the need for change.
I feel the need to move on.
I feel the need to start over with a clean slate.

I love this blog. I've spent years making Busty Zombie Hookers From Space look exactly the way I wanted it to look. Sort of kitschy, low-budget, B-Movie vibe...with my painfully honest, and sometimes funny writing. There are posts and comics and photos here that I will always look back on fondly...and will never, ever delete.

That being said...I'm just not that person anymore, and it's time to move on to a new playground. One with the same balls out honesty (with waaaaaaaaay too much personal information), but with a new look, a new focus, and a new outlook on life. One that leaves the past salted, burned, and buried.

Busty Zombie Hookers From Space will always be here for me to look back on (and the Facebook Page with all the stupid memes will still be active), but my future lies at www.ATempestInADCup.com

(It's still under a bit of construction, but will be glorious soon!)


Monday, February 13, 2017

♫...Don't look back at anger It's just a memory...♫

I had to admit something to myself yesterday that I am not at all happy about.
I'm still angry at my ex.

I can give myself the benefit of saying that it's only been a few months since I found out for sure that he cheated on me and lied to me. However, I had had a gut feeling about it from the moment I knew he reconnected with her on Facebook (a year ago this month if I recall the night he hid our relationship correctly). I haven't really dealt with the anger that came with knowing I had been right all along.

Yesterday, I was at my grandmother's 76th birthday party (just down the street from where he lives) when his roommate/my friend sent me a message. He had a gift for me that he'd been holding onto for a few months (a tshirt for my favorite band, because he's just an insanely sweet person), and he wanted to meet me so that he could give it to me. I could have just driven a mile down the road, and picked it up at his house. However, he let me know right off that my ex was there, and said he knew I wouldn't want to come over. I just let him go on thinking that seeing the ex would bother me, and arranged to meet him halfway at a little grocery/gas station. When I came back, my mom asked me, "Why didn't you just go to his house? You look amazing, and seeing [insert ex's name here] wouldn't bother you, since you're so happy." I replied, without hesitation, "I didn't want to see [insert ex's name here]". That's when it hit me that I really did not want to see him. That's great in the 'I'm Over Him' department, but I had to take a minute and examine the reason behind the desire to not come face to face with him. It's not sadness. It's not regret. It's not hatred. It's anger. I joked that I didn't want to find out if I'm capable of hitting another person, and not wanting to go to jail...but I am angry at him.

Okay, great. I admit it, I'm angry. A+ for admitting that, right? Well, I don't want to be angry. I had convinced myself that I am completely indifferent to him. His cheating and lying is all on him, and I am over blaming myself and wallowing in the false assumption that I wasn't 'good enough'. I am good enough. I'm goddamn amazing, and there are plenty of people who see that. I'm having the time of my life, and I'm not lonely. I don't want this anger. He doesn't deserve any kind of emotion from me. Once upon a time, I gave him everything...and I had truly been willing to try to maintain our long friendship...until I had this proof was shoved in my face (brought to me by well meaning friends). Now, he has proven that he doesn't deserve anything from me.

So, work through the anger, right? I don't want to. I don't want to have to face it. It hurts. I just want it to go away. How can I do that...without punching him in the balls? If I was a better person, I'd try to work it out with him, and preserve some semblance of friendship. I'll gnaw my own hands off before I contact him. Besides, would telling him how angry I am help? Maybe...but what's the point, really? I think I'd rather just let it build up, and then take it out, sexually, on my lover (if he's still willing).

I'm just tired of letting my ex have any impact on my emotions. He didn't want me, and that's not my issue anymore. There are people who appreciate the things he never did, and I'm more than satisfied with them, and the way my life is going. What everyone told me for months after the breakup is true, I am much better off.


Monday, February 6, 2017

♫...the sound of ice in a bottomless glass...♫

When the world is in such chaos, when you're faced with a barrage of constant bad news, ignorance, and hatred...it's easy to find yourself wanting the comfort of the familiar. Even if it's bad for you.

I think it's natural, in the face of so much bad, to automatically desire what has given you a sense of peace in the past. It seems like a comfy, warm security blanket that you can wrap yourself in, and perhaps feel a sense of ease for a little while. It's only human to want to feel a measure of comfort.

What do you do when it's bad for you though? What do you do when it's not possible? What do you do when you don't even really want it? What do you do when it's a completely damaged, dirty, smelly, security blanket that needs to be left in the trash? Why would your brain even register that as a comfort when there are new warmer, softer, sweeter smelling choices? Why brain? Why? You grey, wrinkly motherfucker? What is your damage?

Typically, when my ghosts begin to haunt me, I'll drown them in whiskey and hit up my lover. However, I seem to be between lovers at the moment...so that just leaves me and my dear old friend Jameson. Will you keep me warm, old friend? Help me to forget the horrors of the world for a night or two? Can I find a few moments of calm and comfort in your warm, amber kiss?



Wednesday, February 1, 2017

♫...The past is dead don't exist anymore The present is passing quicker than before...♫

Here's a quick update for those of you who keep religiously checking in:

I'm fine.
Actually, emotionally, physically, financially, sexually, mentally...I'm fucking fantastic.
I haven't been writing as much here because I am doing so well. I have been spending a lot of time out with my fantastic friends, and making new amazing friends. I've been writing fiction again. I've been making jewelry again. I've completely stopped thinking about anything to do with the problems of the last year and eight months. The lies, the betrayal, the bullshit, that's all behind me. My life has become much too joyous, to fulfilling, too busy to think about anything that wastes my precious time. My future is brighter, and I'm determined to live it and enjoy it while I can.

I'm also too focused on our current political climate to feel like my petty problems are even a blip on the radar of what is important. When civil liberties are being trampled on, people are being treated like their lives do not matter, and our laws are being ignored by the very people put in power to preserve them, a failed relationship that already means less than nothing to me does not even register. When someone shows you that you don't matter to them, don't waste any more energy on them. There are more important things to focus on, and many more people who are more than happy that they now have my attention.

In the future, I will probably be using this space to have my say on social justice, and to test out the reaction to some of the stories I'm writing.
For now, let me say this: Love those who love you just the way you are. Don't sit back and decide that just because something doesn't effect you personally, that it's not your problem. Don't waste your time, your heart, your sanity on someone who treats you like you are less than the magnificent creature you are. Help others. Keep your eyes open, and resist the evil, ignorance, and hate.


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Thursday, January 19, 2017

♫...You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back...♫

One thing I've learned from this last break up is how to cut off people at the least little sign that they are using me or taking me for granted, lying to me, or treating me in any way that makes me feel hurt.
Doesn't matter if it's friends, family, lovers, or people I'm dating. Once you make me feel insignificant or worthless, I'm done with you. I will cut all emotional ties. The end.

Good or bad, I've decided that not everyone deserves my presence in their lives. I have amazing friends, we don't always agree and we can annoy the ever-loving-fuck out of each other...but they never make me feel like less than an amazing person. They don't take advantage of me, or lie to me. I am truly grateful for them. Then there a people who come into my life, gain my trust...and then lie to me constantly. Like, I'm not worse than the FBI, CIA, and NSA put together. I notice the least little change in behavior. I know how to uncover what you're really doing via social media...it's not that goddamn hard when it's there for the whole world to see if they just look. There's nothing I hate more than being lied to, and I was born with one superpower: I know when people are lying. Lie to me, and I'm done with you. I will never believe you again.

If you treat me like I'm insignificant, like I'm replaceable, like a piece of trash you can just throw away without thought...no matter what our relationship is...we're done. I might not have the healthiest self-esteem, but if I give you my time you're goddamn lucky to have it. If you're lucky enough to have me, and you choose to lie to me and make me feel replaceable and forgettable...you don't get to have me again. Ever. End of discussion. Shoulda stopped to think about how much you'd regret it later (seriously, they always come back at least once). Fuck off.

The difference is, I'm not going to sit around and be sad about it. I'm not going to mope and investigate and cry. I'm just done. I'll sever the attachment, and you will not have access to me, my attention, my time ever again.



Monday, January 16, 2017

♫...A familiar taste of poison...♫

I am broken.
No, it's true.
Something in me has been permanently damaged. You don't give someone every good part of you, have them throw it all back in your face as if it were worthless, and walk away the same. You don't believe every promise and every 'I love you' completely, find out you were lied to and cheated on, and not have your ability to trust another person decimated. 
I have nice, great guys who want to take me out on real dates...something I haven't experienced in YEARS. Yet, I can't bring myself to do it because I'm too fuckimg damaged. How can I let someone into my life with the fear that I'll only end up doing to them what was done to me? How can I be so selfish as to think I deserve love when I'm not sure I'm even capable of feeling that anymore? 
I'm damaged...broken....too destroyed to deserve to be loved.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

♫...Give me a reason to act like I care cause I won't...♫

Ah, that moment when you finally have proof that your gut was right all along.

Some well meaning friends clued me into something this morning that showed me once and for all that the suspicions I have had since February/March were dead on.

I can forgive a lot...but not being repeatedly lied to and taken advantage of.

I just don't fucking care anymore.
About the situation.
About how I was treated.
About all the lies.
About the unfaithfulness.
About all the bullshit.
About him.

Congratulations. The girl who tries to see the best in everyone, no matter what, finally thinks you're a piece of shit.


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